DEAR DIARY

it could have been a love story

a real one

where we leave our family behind,,,

but talking to you made me feel sick

so sick

pink roses remind me of you

but mostly their thorns

you weren’t too much - your lies were tho

you never let me be heartbroken

or maybe I never let myself

but you too have officially walked down a path I cannot follow

as I swallow my medicine and catch the sweet aftertaste I can’t help but remember the days where I would fall asleep with research chemicals underneath my tounge and wake up with the same ones still under my tounge - half melted and then I would roll over and see you. you took care of me - more then my parents ever did (so the bar wasn’t very high) nevertheless when I got sued you fixed the problem. when I needed protection, you protected me. more then my own parents, my own blood. i loved you and all of me is so scary to admit that. where does the fake part of you start? why were you in my life? am i even your type? Or were my alleged crimes?

I have the audio recordings of us fighting just a few summers ago. two fractured people.. what did they expect? what happened to you? this was the beginning of the end for us.

at the time I was sick, meltdowns would send me into episodes, where I would go blank and bash my head against the wall. you were not okay with this. i was not okay with it. my neighbors were not okay with it. when things got bad you restra*ned me until i calmed down.

(side note for people reading this was not in a s3xual way FYI more in a psych ward staff member way)

I needed to go into my room and based on the voice recordings you restrained me in a “level 2 - level 3 military restr*int” - to my memory you hit some weird pressure points and used ur legs to get my body off of the ground. I think screaming my screaming and flailing it just made it all worse. I think - i cannot remember the details but you admit a whole lot to my phone.

You demanded to explain that me “sustaining a level 3 injury” logically would have been safer than me electrocuting myself. you had open wires open blah blah - i didn’t care. i didn’t care what the “alternative” was - i cared that my boyfriend hurt me so badly.

“WE ARE NOT IN THE FUCKING MILITARY” - i screamed

“Let me explain it was level- ”

I cut you off - screaming, “I DON’T CARE. We are NOT IN THE FUCKING MILITARY”

“Let me explain-”

“NOOOOOO -“ my voice was raspy and exhausted - i didn’t care we physically fought - I was furious with your deluded state of mind “WE ARE NOT IN THE FUCKING MILITARY” i screamed & screamed as if that was going to get through to whatever brainwashed state you were in.

“I don’t like your v!olence. It’s not normal - it’s not normal” I kept screaming

“I’ll work on it” you replied

The news say you k!lled someone. I just thank god it wasn’t me.

Neither of us were free. We might have found freedom with each other but that’s where the similarities began & ended. You traumatized me more than my brain remembers yet my body relives it every summer. I think this was the last -