i teach my fingers hope like a cheap carnival trick

t-shirt that says I ❤️ AVOIDING GOING TO SLEEP

can’t spell erotic without rot #myrot

I am whatever gender has the shortest line at the bathroom

​I see this one going places

Yeah. The bathroom

ah but which bathroom

the one with the shortest line did you not read the post

we're deprived of fiction that caters to my specific niche fetishes

*at a family gathering* you’re all like coworkers to me

explained to an 8 year old that once a fruit is ripe you only have so much time until it rots so you have to eat it soon and she said so i'll never be able to keep it perfect like this forever? no and there are about a million pieces of art for you unrelatedly

*guy looking down at you after beating the shit out of you* hey i really wanna commend you for being the bigger person here and not stooping to my level. You’re such a better person than me

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

Thank you for coming to my this

the humble tank top has done so much for homosexual women