You Make Me Want To Be A Better Man
When Jack Nicholson said “you make me want to be a better man” to Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets, for some reason it really left a lasting impression on me. Far more than your typical iconic movie lines.
Even back then, it hit me hard.
I think it’s because I always wanted that in life. A woman, who inspired me to embrace the sides of myself I was just barely tapping into.
A woman - who - for lack of finding an original phrase, who made me want to be a better man.
You make me want to be a better man.
When a woman can inspire within a man a betterment of himself, even though he has done pretty damn well up until this point, it really is something special to absorb. Something very rare is happening in this moment.
I suppose the romantic side of me takes ahold of the intellectual side when I wonder, for all the people who conquered the world throughout history, I wonder how many of them did so because they discovered what I recently have discovered.
Did all the Pierre Curies have a hidden Marie behind them? Were they all inspired, by some formidable woman, to elevate themselves as I feel so capable to do so now? Is this how the world was shaped?
You would tell me there are chemicals responsible for this anomaly in my life. It would somehow lessen things, when I read and discovered that you are indeed correct.
But I would counter that with something stronger.
In all my years, as I have already told you once, this is but an anomaly in my life. A one time so far kind of thing.
This shit doesn’t happen every day, so if it’s just dopamine and serotonin, how come nobody ever made me want to be a better man, until you?
I have had plenty of passion in my life.
I am in the sunset phase of my youth, the middle of my life, and the infancy of my wisdom. I have had all the variations and flavors of love and lust that a man who is even moderately desirable would have known.
I’ve had intense passion. I’ve had misplaced love too. I have very had deep friendships. I have had so much, for which I am grateful, and all of it has made me who I am, at the moment I type this.
But I have never had a woman like you.
Saying “I have never had a woman like you” misses my intent of what I actually mean. I have never shared intimacy, emotional and physical, with a lot of different types of women. That, in and of itself, is not really all that special.
I have never had vulnerability, or even a friendship with a woman, who inspires me in the way that you do, Kitten.
And I know, from my math algorithm, that likely never will again. Maybe, one more time, assuming I live 80 years, but I am not banking on it.
Which is why I, the dominant one, must submit the most vulnerable and deepest version of me that exists.
Everything about you, and how I feel about you, is the absolute epitome of what I hope for in passion.
You and I are, what I wished all the other ones would have been. I sense that there is so much more there too, undiscovered, between us.
I can’t find words in my brain or a dictionary to help me express what I am feeling for you. You inspire in me so much.
You lack nowhere. Now, you will say, “you are crazy, I have flaws.” Of course you do. Not realizing that you are perfect is the first flaw that comes to my mind. In a very real way that even you might recognize, of all the important things, there is not one area that you lack.
You heart, is so pure. Your brain, is so engaging. Your natural confidence, so intoxicating. Your sense of humor, makes me smile every day. As a parent, you do things I wish I did better. In your career, you are a natural where I try so hard to be like you. In life, you learn, but more on that later.
When I say you are perfect, what I really mean is, all those important things, makes you so fucking perfect to me.
I see you as an intellect. I see myself as smart. There is a difference. Subtle but paramount. Being smart doesn’t require anything, other than good genes and some luck. Being born with the ability to figure shit out faster than the average person doesn’t really speak to who you are as a person. Not on the inside. Not where it counts.
You, on the other hand, are a seeker. You read, for fun. You grasp at knowledge and thirst for more even when you don’t need to anymore. You do it because you love it. I love to know that you do it. In so many ways I envy you. In all the ways I lack, you are strong.
Usually I write in a tone with absolute arrogance and bravado, because the truth is, I know I am better than other men I see. When it is all calculated up, from passion as a father, a lover, career, sure there are some people that can beat me in some areas, but not everything once it is all combined.
Nonetheless, you can recognize that my tone is changed. My bravado, has been flattened. My arrogance, deflated.
I sound different. I sound weak.
And I don’t want it any other way.
I’m just fucking glad I found you.
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snowghoul
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