Arrete! C'est ici l'empire de la mort! @clearkneemomjeans - Tumblr Blog

I finally finished the picture that is my icon. Yay!

#im really proud of how this turned out #i lost the sketchbook this was in so it took a literal year™ to finish #art #ink art #line art #hands #unsettling art #my art

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I just know its soon. Thats all I have going for me.

#sorry you have to see me like this #if anyone does see this idk turn the other cheek ignore me

I aint even gonna hold yall chief. Im sick of not being okay and im sick of not being able to fix anything and if I keep being stuck between a rock and a hard place im ready to just slink on down between the two and let the walls crush me

#no seriously i know what imma do i know when i just gotta pack everything else up atp bc like #im sick of hearing myself bitch and im sick of trying only to get fucked #oh well

I must be exhausting to be friends with.

#like im constantly going through it #and its not like i dont try and i dont try to be positive i mean no matter what nothing in life is going right and hasnt in a very long time #i am always like #one to 10 occurrences away from ending it all #and the idea of that has got to be annoying or exhausting for those closest to me #I know it is for me #im tired of living like this #like im genuinely at the end of my rope im not even kidding #i am not being institutionalized though lmao fuck that #anyway yeah like something something life has until june 18 or some shit idk maybe sooner maybe later

I do not know how to reach out or what the point of doing so at this point will do, for there is nothing to be done. But here I am, I guess.

#this is a cry for help #soon i will redo this entire blog bc i hate how depressing it is #but seriously i don't know what to do

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Yeah atp man idk anymore

#legit like #im holding off till may or so but imma be real fam i aint got shit to be holding off for #im tired boss #im sick of shit #and i aint trying to keep doing this song and dance

I never did get that dress while out thrifting

#whatever I have till april

No one ever tells you, but legitimately trying to plan your own memorial service in a way that is reasonable and will (hopefully) be done correctly is hard as fuck

#i dont trust my mother to not make this all about her #most of my friends will be too far to show up #i dont want anything huge nor do i deserve it #just everyone listen to stereolab for me ok?#i think id like that the most #everyone just listen to dots and loops and thats it thats the whole service #i want it to end with the flower called nowhere tho #like play it again one last time after the album is done #thanks.

I wish I made art that actually mattered. I wish I had motivation to scribble again. I feel like i am leaving behind what I was: nothing

#i want to get out of bed and not hurt #i want to see the sun again #i want to actually make something #i have no motivation #im trapped and can't move #everyone is and will move on without me #i keep falling and failing and i just want to hit the ground already so this will all be over

I just want this nightmare to be over.

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Annnnd the weather is too bad to go to the doll show today. Of course.

#this was the one thing I was looking forward to #this was supposed to be my last one #the next one is late june but nice try lmao yall aint tricking me into living THAT long #ah well #at least I had fun last year #sigh

Funnily enough I think regardless I feel hopeless bc what the fuck am I even doing? I was so stupid to go to school for art bc now look at me. Miserable working at a goddamn tourist trap at 25 gearing up to blow her brains out in a couple of months. I didn't even get ANY of the benefits of art school because I was too busy in survival mode and being an RA 24/7 so I can pass my classes and get away from my drunk mom.

And that same drunk is going to be the one to find me once I'm gone so. There's that I guess.

#i cant go back to school either bc everything is expensive #and im too stupid to be able to do something that actually makes money #i just wanted to be happy #oh well.#i will be. soon.#i regret everything bc now im just a fucking loser who has to work in a pink hellhole #i cant even tell myself that art school was worth it bc i had to miss out in everything just to be an RA #i wish i never got this stupid degree at all #i just. i can't take this anymore honest to god i cant #what a waste #too stupid and stubborn to do anything useful and now look at me #soon i will be dead though #and thag makes me happy #its like the only thing that does #i wont feel pain anymore

So. The government is cutting FASFA completely for any degrees that dont pass the "do no harm" test which basically is any degree that doesn't make more than a high school diploma in 2-3 years

:^) i just wanted my mfa, man.

#its okay i'll be dead in april lmao #im still applying to schools anyway like a dumbass #but I'd rather finally be over with shit now than years from now with private loans closing in on me #idk man i fucking hate it here i feel so hopeless #its not fucking fair why do i have to live a life like this #its fine. because soon i wont and i will be free #april just needs to hurry its ass up because I am more than ready lmao

I need to die before 9:30 AM so I dont have to be at work please god smite me

#april cannot come soon enough man holy fucking shit #i dont know why i live like this #i want to sob #whatever

I'm deadass out here thrifting the dress I'm to be buried in

#lol. lmao even

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Lord, when will it be my turn to be happy?

#and like. lord if youre listening you got 3 months <3 #better make it snappy #hop to it #people in this household need to stop getting drunk before 9 AM and i need a new job #deadass idk what i did to deserve this bro i just want life to go well for once #anyway back to painting

If I come back in the next life I hope I remember not to try and live my dreams and I do better in school and I dont fuck myself over.

But really, I hope I don't come back. I don't want to live through this again.

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