•normality is a paved road•

Yes, we did.

EDIT 15.2.26

Am I already overthinking this whole trip? Of course I am.

Basically, it’s not a super spontaneous thing. We’ve been thinking about this for a while and finally we found some free time that we can use for this trip.

The thing is, we’re going there to visit Nugget’s friend who moved there with his whole family. Have I ever met those people? No. Do I know how they look like? Also no. So… What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m strange? Thank God we’re staying in a hotel because I’m not sure if I would handle staying at their place for a whole week.

Also, how am I supposed to survive a 10-hour flight? I could barely stand it for 3 hours when we went to Spain. I’m terrified of being locked in a flying coffin for so long. Nugget says the plane is different. Bigger. That we have movies and games that we can busy ourselves with. Easy to say.

And time zones! I’ve never been jetlagged before. Another thing to worry about.

And I don’t know what to pack.

I had my year-in-review conversation at work with my boss and one of the teamleaders. I opened up a lot and said what I really think about the atmosphere, communication and cooperation in the team. It was not nice but it had to be said. Probably it won’t change much but at least my conscience is clear.

I was assigned to teach another girl to work with packagaing machines. It’s going pretty well. Either she is smart or I am a good teacher. Or maybe both.

Nugget has started his CPAP therapy and somehow it makes me feel calmer and slightly less worried about his breathing issues. I know he hates the machine but for now it is what it is.

We had a lot of snow, got tickets for Harry Styles, had a lot of coffee, took a trip to the sea, we went to check out some Mini Coopers, Nugget took me to the PSV match and I got my kitchen machine from Tefal.

I did not start going to the gym, I did not start exercising, I did not start a diet although it sounds like something people should do in January.

get yourself a boyfriend who’s willing to fight the ticketmaster wars for you when you’re at work

• beige blonde •

Last year was shit. Mixed with some better moments but in general - shit. Explosive diarrea level. It was a year full of stress, grief, overthinking and challenges that I've tried my best to face but apparently the weight of them led me to a breakdown.

Aunt landing in the hospital on Easter with a huge infection started the chain of disasters. Later, of course, problems with my mother, her being homeless and unreachable for quite a long time. Me, starting some new stressful trainings at work and on top of everything - my dog, my best friend of 14 years, crossed the rainbow bridge in October.

Maybe if I was able to burn bridges without second thoughts, close some chapters, understand that okay, this is already done, it happened and I can't change it and it's time to move on - maybe everything would be much easier. But no, my brain can't stop working on a permanent replay and I can't stop re-thinking everything. I live in a constant what if.

When I ended up in the ER with a 4-day long pulsing headache that made me throw up everything I tried to eat and after they run some tests on me, including a CT scan of my head and they didn't find anything, the neurologist said it's probably stress related. Told me to let go a bit and relax. Recommended a psychiatrist visit to talk or maybe get some pills to calm my nervous system. For now, I'm trying to take care of myself by staying home until the end of the week. I called in sick. I didn't want to do that but some people convinced me otherwise... and they were right. When I think about it, during those 7 years of working for my company I went on a sick leave twice. TWICE.

So it's not really a New Year resolution. It's a wish: I wish that 2026 will be all about respecting my mental health and not pushing myself to the point of a breakdown again. It's also hope that I will be able to easily cut off all the toxic people and negative things. I hope that I can care less at work and say no more often.

I think that’s exactly what I did this year. I just somehow got through it. And I know it’s okay but on the other hand, it feels like it’s not.

I think it all went downhill after the pancreas cyst diagnosis in December 2023, visions of cancer, all the medical tests I had to run at the beginning of the year, million of different opinions, tons of conflicting informations and my anxiety on top of it.

For now, things are stable but still quite unclear.

I cried a lot this year. For good reasons, for bad reasons, for no reasons. Cried in the night, cried in the shower, cried at work, cried on Christmas, cried because I can’t take a damn joke. There was a lot of unexplainable sadness and a lot of overthinking, a lot of I’m fine and a lot of I don’t want to talk about it.

Of course there were good things, nice things, holidays in Spain, promotion at work, tasty food, great concerts, Nugget still being the best and the most supportive.

But now, Nugget is having fun on some fancy New Year’s Eve party in his favorite city and I’m home in my pyjamas with a non-alcoholic peach-flavored champagne for children and I probably won’t even make it until midnight because my eyes are already closing. That’s how fun I am.

I have no resolutions for 2025 and I won’t make any because they never work out anyway. I just know that I need to make a few important decisions in the coming months and they will not be easy decisions.

Happy New Year then.

It’s December 1st.

I didn’t have to work on Saturday so he picked me up on Friday evening and took me straight for a stroll in the garden center (because he’s a keeper). On Saturday we went for a little road trip to another city and had fish for dinner by the sea. After that we went to the casino and won absolutely nothing. We left with minus €150.

On Sunday we went for some cheesecake and I bought myself a cute teapot in TKMaxx. Nugget got me a 3D wooden puzzle (a flower shop!) which I can’t wait to build. We finished the day with two XXL pizza’s and I won €1,50 in a birthday lottery (probably as a compensation for the previous evening.) 💸

I had a meeting with my boss and teamleader this afternoon about how happy and satisfied they are with my progress and my work ethic and I signed the contract.

Boyfriend said: that’s a nice plant. I said: say no more.