cigarette crack

The first time I knew Mac Miller’s songs is back when I was in high school. Back then I have this friend who constantly shares his music gallery on his phone with me, and the first Mac Miller’s songs I could remember that I knew from him is ‘Best Day Ever’ and ‘Nikes on My Feet’, good ol’ teenage days. And after, I browse more of Mac’s songs and I (illegally) downloaded his album ‘Blue Side Park’. One of my favorite album from him. Years gone and I haven’t heard Mac’s songs until I listened to his latest single ‘Self Care’. The song was so powerful and I went straight saving that song to my playlist because of the emotion of the song, because I feel related to what he wrote, because maybe I get the message that Mac was trying to send. I feel related with Self Care in a particular way that Mac is trying to display that he is confident to overcome the obstacles that he’s going through.

His death makes me feel so…. uncomfortable. Being a person with my own personal issues, his death made me realize how fragile we are. The things he went through from drugs, substance addiction to his love life and how it ended made me think. His past relationship was described as ‘toxic’ by his ex, Ariana Grande. I don’t know much or have much experience to talk about this but being a person with some particular similarity, I thought maybe Mac just needed to feel loved and be in love. Maybe when he’s feeling down, he expressed by doing things that shouldn’t be done. And when the breakup comes, he just needed something to calm him down, just like how love can calm everyone. And for him that something is; drugs.  Still, I don’t want to blame anyone because there’s nothing and no one to blame, just one big lesson that maybe we can take and make the most of it to make our lives at least better.

Pada bagian ini kurasa kesepian menjadi inti ceritanya. Cerita bagaimana seseorang harus dapat mengendalikan dirinya sendiri terlepas dari sepi dan kesunyian yang dirasakan secara terus menerus, dari hari ke hari, momen ke momen. Aku pun tak ingin merasa sepi, tapi mungkin bukan itu yang diinginkan oleh penulis cerita ini. Aku belum ingin tahu dan aku pun tak berminat untuk menerka-nerka apa inti dari cerita ini, karena aku takut, apa yang aku perkirakan dan aku harapkan ternyata tidak akan terjadi dalam prosesnya.

Lately I have been listening to all the songs that reminds me of you, read so many beautiful poems that made my mind can’t keep up with the levels of words I can’t understand just to search the perfect words to describe how you really are to me, and heard so many wonderful love stories people told me that made me thinking straight towards you, and remembering all the little moments we did just to find the perfect words to describe what you really are for me and how special your presence are for me.

To be honest I still can’t find the perfect words or sentence to describe what you are for me. The first thing that came up to my mind when I’m thinking about you is: you really are full of surprises.

You’re full of good surprises and bad surprises. Good surprises are the kind of surprises that people expect, and usually loves when the surprises are given. They feel lucky and happy to be surprised. Bad surprises are the kind of surprises that failed, the kind of surprises that people don’t expect to happen, don’t want to happen but it happens anyway, kinda similar with how people treat bad news. But there’s a similarity on these two surprises: people won’t forget the surprises either it’s good or bad.

I can still remember the day we knew each other. I also still remember the first day we met each other. It was a good day for a guy like me. It was a nice day.

Knowing you makes me want to get the best out of me. You made me do things I usually don’t want to do, especially when it comes to other people. You made me do good things. You made me away from all the bad things I used to do. You make me happier, you lift my spirits up. For short, you have made me into a better person.

But things don’t always go like what we planned, right? Sometimes the universe likes to play with our lives and laughing at the end of it. I do realize sometimes I did mistakes, I do realize all of my habits which you don’t like, which i find it hard to discover at first because you never really told me what you like and what you don’t like about me. You tend to keep it all inside your head. You lock it up until someone has get the keys. Do you remember when I asked you about how girls have a fortress that’s hard to break and needed some efforts to be taken down? Does the fortress has been down? Does the fortress just tremble a little? Or is it just stand still like nobody’s disturbing it?

Maybe we don’t communicate very well, maybe you just needed some space, maybe I just need to understand, maybe you don’t want to understand, maybe I am not understandable enough. Times like these are the perfect time for a million maybe’s, but we don’t have the time anymore. When I thought I can get my redemption in the form of you, the universe crushes my hopes and dreams. Are people really can get a redemption…? Does redemption is for everyone? So many questions but not a single answer can be given.

want to be loved, but it’s already gone after i explain myself.

want to be loved, but it’s gone missing before i could say what i really felt.

Something i don't really know about, something i don't really understand, and it may be ended up me telling you everything, everything inside this head and what's inside my thoughts.

Number one.

I'm going to tell you about what i really feel, what i really keep inside my head and my heart, something i keep underneath everything your eyes can see, everything you may never think about. I am living in a constant fear and anxiety, it all started two years ago, but it peaked last year when i feel everything is just putting me under pressure and pushing me down to the floor. I tried to be familiar with 'these' fears and anxieties but truth is i never really comfortable being like this. I still can't accept 'them' however i may to be used to. I never become friends with them. They just keep eating me from the inside and keeping me awake when i should've been sleeping, they keep me thinking, worrying about something i don't really have the power to or something I should’ve not worry. I never admitted that i have anxiety, probably too ashamed to show that i am. Too ashamed to get some help, and too ashamed to speak.

Sometimes i thought maybe i am depressed, but i can’t really tell the differences about depression and chronic anxiety. Sometimes i got these urgencies to hurt myself, to punch myself, to get people to know what I really felt with the bruises I made. It is shameful, I admit it. But I’m dying of something I never got, maybe I don’t get the attention I should’ve got when I was a kid, but I just want people to notice what I’m going through. I started to think that maybe my past events played a part of forming the person I am today. Maybe my mother’s death has something to do with this. Maybe I would be a different person if she’s still here, maybe everything would be different? Maybe I would have someone to talk to about this? Maybe I would be less bitter, less sad that I am today, right now? It’s hard to cope with things when you lost anyone important for you. It’s even harder when you lost them at your childhood and realizing that you need them now, more than ever. I never said that I have never left anyone before, but now I started to think about what people feel about when I leave them. It’s hard to choose, but I would leave some people if I am being a burden, or maybe if I am being useless, or maybe if I can’t make them as happy as others can do. I believe for others, that they would find happiness as long as they weren’t with me.

I understand for some people maybe it’s hard to start a conversation about private things like their mental conditions, or family problems, or some kind of things that’s been occupying their heads or even some simple things like what they have been through today, but I would love to talk seriously about this, I would like to know that out there, there’s someone who gives a shit about things like this. That would genuinely help with the help they can give and willing to give, to help people with words, with some kind of positivity that I don’t know that I’ve got or not but I would try to understand.

Number two.

I am a bad person. I did things I did not proud of, I did things to make people leave me, or even hate me. I regret the things I did without thinking and I regret to treat people as I like. I regret things I did in the past and not a single day passed without me being regretful to the things I did.

But from all the bad things that I’ve done, I have some excuses that I know wouldn’t change anything, but maybe I should tell. When I did the things I did, I am not in the perfect shape to think, even more to decide. When I did the things I did, my emotions, and fear, and anxieties takes control. When I did the things I did, I am troubled. The perfect example is when I left people, when I throw people away. In truth is I never wanted to left or threw people away from my life, but I don’t want them to know (yet) about what I really am, how broken I am inside, how troubled I am, how unstable I am. I don’t want them to feel the pain that I would give, if I give. I did things to prevent things. I did things, things I regret, things that I hate, to make them happier without me. To make them feel joy that I would’ve not bring, to make them feel a delightful bond between people that I couldn’t made. You would’ve think how selfish I am; I realize that. But when you see me, when you CAN really see me. You would’ve think that things I said would’ve make sense.

Despite of all things that I’ve said, can you really see that I am crying for help?

If i believed myself would get better with my own help, why am i still like this? Why am i still doing things that i never like that would make people think i am sick, i am troubled, i am the one that nobody wants or need?

If i believed myself would get better, why did people don't trust that i can change, that people can change, people can get better? Surely past events forms the way the mind thinks, but would you rather let a helpless dying man die, rather than try to forget all the things he's done and give him the help he need?

Everyone's got their own dream and flashes of picture of something they wanted, but when the body is tired, the mind is cold and there's nobody aroud, how can a single dream helps? A dream for a dying man is the only hope. A dream is the only thing they could hold tightly when the world around him crumbles. But some dreams are not meant to be happen.

Aku gatau yang aku alami ini masuk dalam kategori apa dalam dunia psikologi. Aku sebenernya gatau apa yang menyebabkan hal-hal diatas kejadian sama aku. Bahkan aku gatau apa yang bener-bener aku alami selama kurang lebih 2 tahun belakangan ini. Tahun 2018 baru berjalan 2 bulan, awalnya premisnya sama, I hope this year could be better than the last, tapi sekarang aku sendiri ga percaya sama perkataan aku itu.

Harapan yang tadinya ada lambat laun berubah jadi perasaan pasrah. Semua yang aku lakuin purely cuma untuk survive dari hari ke hari. Dengan suara-suara yang menggerogoti pikiran, aku coba untuk membiasakan dan menerima kalo emang aku orangnya kaya gini. Dengan segala sifat overthinking yang memang buruk buat kesehatan mental dan fisik, aku coba untuk lewatin hari-hari dengan jadi orang yang walaupun sakit ke dalam, tapi ga nyebarin penyakit ke luar.

Siapa yang tau kalau organ dalam aku ternyata ada yang hampir atau malah udah rusak, karena kebiasaan aku tidur pagi, ngerokok, minum kopi, tanpa istirahat, vitamin atau makanan yang cukup? Aku pun ga pernah cek ke dokter karena emang gaada yang nyuruh juga. Dulunya aku selalu nganggep aku orang yang mentalnya kuat. Tapi makin kesini aku jadi mikir kalau aku sebenernya orang yang bermental lembek. Mikir, mikir, mikirin terus hal-hal buruk yang mungkin kejadian di waktu mendatang. Lucunya, aku udah tau semua keburukan dan penyakitku tapi aku tetep gabisa lepas dari keburukan dan penyakit itu.

Mau minta tolong, mau cerita ke orang juga gabisa seenaknya. Orang-orang punya masalahnya sendiri yang orang gatau. Aku gabisa nyeritain masalah aku ke orang lain karena hal itu. Belum lagi belum tentu semua orang punya rasa simpati dan empati yang seengga-engganya bisa ngerasain hal yang aku rasain. Aku sempet milih-milih orang untuk cerita, mungkin aku salah pilih, mungkin mereka pun punya masalah yang lebih besar daripada masalah aku, dan ya I ended up with no one to tell. Dari hal itu, sifat-sifat skeptis pun muncul.

Aku gatau berapa lama lagi bisa hidup, gaada yang tau umur kita masing-masing. Aku masih punya banyak harapan di dunia ini meskipun aku tau mungkin dunia ga menaruh banyak harapan untuk aku, tapi aku tau, masih banyak orang di dunia ini yang sebenernya baik, yang bermanfaat bagi sesama dan bisa memberikan sesuatu yang emang dibutuhin di dunia ini.

Time goes really slow when you realize you’re feeling just like me. Experience has made me believe that everything is same, and the world is some sort of repetition of something that had already happened. Society has made me a skeptic. I don’t really believe anyone out there would be willing to really drag me from this shithole. And overthinking has made me through things I don’t really want to get through. Being and feeling as I am, it sucks. And it is the last thing you want to feel from all feeling existed.

Nothing really helps. Alcohol, liquor, booze, you name it. It doesn’t really helps. Cigarette, barely helps me think anymore. It’ll only increase the amount of overthinking by some amazing amount you can barely count. Sharing? There’s no pair of ears that’s willing to hear, let alone giving any calming solution, there are not a single genuine person to think about what’s running in my head. The only thing that exists are self-hatred, great amount of self-awareness, pretty much of regret, and remorse.

We always wanted to make our parents happy right? Me too. So I think i should buy him a birthday cake for his birthday and so i bought it. I bought him the cake because i have never give him any presents or cake for his birthday and i thought maybe it would be a great start to give him a cake.

But something's disappoint me. He didn't even thank me for the cake. I realized i shouldn't expect him to thank me but i did it because i need some sort of recognition, some encouragement to get me through this year. From then i started to think it's better not to expect anything from anyone. ANYONE.

The second thing is i hate people who only converse with me only when they want to. And when it's the other way around, when i need some space to talk, nobody is ever be there for me. Devastating realization. It's harsh but it's the truth.