Keep Dreaming

How I am in constant fear of waiting for that other shoe to drop and you being like the rest of them. The tightness in my chest when I feel like I’m messing everything up and doing nothing right.

I’ve only ever been screamed & yelled at when something is wrong. I don’t know how to feel when you bring up some things calmly. The fight or flight is still really strong & I wonder when I’m going to have to yell back, too.

I’m still working on healing & some days it’s easier than others.

You start to notice that you don’t want to be the woman who can’t be controlled or “tamed”, all of those quotes about, “I have a loud mouth and don’t listen”, are exactly who you don’t want to be.

But please, do tell them how I slowly gave up. Begging you for that same love that I gave.

Tell them that.

that I don’t miss you at all.

When I really do.

But you didn’t make me a priority before,

so why would you start now?

It would be the same story,

read over and over again.

So I’ll miss you

from here.

and I have won.

So trust me when I tell you,

I can help you fight yours.

They aren’t much different,

and they are already

afraid

of

me.



June fifth,

You would have been fifty five.

December third,

I will be thirty.

And five years ago,

at twenty five,

I never thought I would make it

to thirty.....

you'll be waiting the rest of life

for it to be right.

When the right time,

could be

right now.

That I'm afraid to even touch

But you

You aren't afraid to

And I'm still wondering

Why

How

And when

they're going to scare you

enough to walk away....

Too understanding

Always making excuses

But this time he's not abusive....

He's sickly sweet

And knows what to say

And how to make me feel again

But on the priority list,

I'm pretty sure I am

at the very bottom...

But he's nice, I tell myself.

And I'm nice too...

why I get hurt so often.

So easily,

because I love.

I want everyone to feel love.

But me?

No.

I love everyone

except for myself.

So let the bad days, be bad days. To let myself lay in bed and let myself rest. It's hard, but it is needed.