♱ 𝔏𝔬𝔫𝔡𝔬𝔫 ♱

feeling a bit like lidabidabodabutt today

i watched obsession with my male friends and they said bear was a victim and it just reminded me at the end of the day cis men are cis men who have the cis man experience no matter how informed on gender issues and autonomy they may seem. ugh.

i’ve never seen anyone talk about what it’s like when someone who committed deplorable acts against you dies. When i told the people closest to me that he was finally dead i was met with congratulations and the idea that i “must be so relieved”. it’s true that i don’t jump when i hear a voice that sounds vaguely like his and im no longer on high alert when i leave my house but im also left with a hole in my life regardless of the fact that dread and fear are what previously filled it. Im met with a new sense of guilt that surfaces whenever I acknowledge how much safer I feel now that he’s gone. I’m left with an emptiness because my previous routines were so saturated with paranoia and defensiveness that i am left with nothing. i’m in a psychological paralysis because everything i knew no longer applies and i should be able to breathe now but i still can’t.