below is a piece written by esquire reporter and editor, shin ki joo, who was a regular on blue night radio for the entirety of jonghyun’s time spent on the show, for the march issue of the magazine. he also conducted the interview that jonghyun did for the may issue of esquire last year that was done after he stepped down as dj, which was his final magazine interview before his passing. (it can be read here.)
please take care in reading below as it’s very emotional and heavy and generally tough to get through. ONLY READ IT IF YOU FEEL READY TO. triggers: death tw, funerals tw, mental illness tw, suicide tw and a brief mention of burial / post-mortem and cremation. thank you to fantaemsie for translating.
there was no signature. tears formed in my eyes. tears flowed easily. musician kim jonghyun’s posthumous album, poet / artist, had no signature of jonghyun. every time a new album came out jonghyun gave it to me as a gift after putting a signature on it. was it may 2016, when the regular album, she is, came out he signed it like: “please listen to it well! it has a lot of exciting / hype songs!” when the 3rd anniversary album of mbc radio, blue night it’s jonghyun, came out he nagged like a grandfather: “health is the best!”
no matter how hard i searched there was no jonghyun signature. there was no jonghyun. jonghyun’s agency official told me this when they handed me the album that lost it’s owner: “it was a state where it’s an album that he finished working on already before leaving this world. it was made just a little bit. i’m delivering it only to the ones who were close to jonghyun.” it was when i gripped the album with no sign in my hands. sadness filled my heart. i was reduced to tears. it was the first tears that flowed after that day.
december 18th, 2017 was the day jonghyun left this world. towards the afternoon in some publishing house i received a call. it’s content was that jonghyun wished to publish a novel and wanted me to provide him with some connections. as much as he liked music, jonghyun liked writing. he published a novel called skeleton flower too. there was a time where he sent me a few short practice pieces. i read them and exchanged opinions. i told him i’ll contact the publisher’s side.
i didn’t. i was busy. i thought i should do it the next day. i wish i contacted him at once. if so, perhaps i wouldn’t have left jonghyun alone at that time. it was the first thought that came to me that day in the evening, hearing the news about jonghyun. it was the feeling of guilt. it turned out that a lot of jonghyun’s acquaintances had the same feelings. i should have contacted him that day. i should have met him usually more. i wish i had always came to have a conversation with him more. everyone was blaming themselves, who left jonghyun alone.
the next day, in front of tv cameras, i conveyed the news of the death of the popular idol group, shinee’s member, star musician, jonghyun. in front of the studio camera i pretended to be calm and composed. in fact, it was after dubbing a five minute vcr about jonghyun for some time that i crumbled. “when asked whether he was happy in last april’s esquire interview, jonghyun answered: ”i think i need to become happy now. i must become happy. i’m going to be happy.“ why couldn’t we listen more to his story? 28, he who was beautiful is no longer on our side.” i started shaking for the first time here. no matter how hard i tried i couldn’t stop crying. it was miserable. it was painful.
at night that day i went to jonghyun’s mourning house. together, with the pd and writers who spent three years together with jonghyun and blue night. without a world to say. everyone understood jonghyun’s mental suffering. nobody was able to fully comfort his suffering. i recalled hearing jonghyun usually say that the radio’s studio seemed like his house’s living room. even if i was invited to jonghyun’s living room i couldn’t notice his loneliness. it was a silent funeral hall.
watching the process of his body changing and disappearing into ashes was an agonizing thing. the cremation urn was as small as a baby basket. the way to the church where jonghyun will forever rest was far. unconsciously driving i listened to jonghyun’s music. normally, the song i enjoyed listening to was “end of a day”. somehow, i turned on “let me out”. “let me out” was the first song i listened to. the lyrics hit my heart. “i’m tired of the world, someone please embrace me. i’m drenched in tears. someone please wipe them away. please notice first, the me who’s struggling. acknowledge the poor me. please help me.”
it was then. all of a sudden the memory i had forgotten came to me. as soon as i came back home after jonghyun’s funeral ended i searched, starting from kakaotalk. i came across the kakaotalk i interacted with jonghyun in on the 24th of april, 2017. it was the release day of the album containing “let me out”. it was a few weeks after the 2nd of april, blue night’s last broadcast, where he left. i told jonghyun: “i’m listening to this album too. it’s warm.” jonghyun said, “thank you. please be sure to listen to "let me out”.“
after that day, too, my kakaotalk with jonghyun continued from time-to-time. the whole year was wasted on words of ”let’s eat together one day“. it was a relationship where we saw each other every week for three years. we may have been slowly moving away from each other like any ordinary human relationship in society.
in the end, after finishing jonghyun’s funeral, when i got home, then, i listened to ”let me out“. i know jonghyun gave me as his life sunbae hyung friend and as his coworker undeservedly so much affection. i couldn’t give back as much as i had received from jonghyun. noticed. in fact that now i forever can’t hug, know nor help jonghyun. that’s why it’s a fact that i can’t let go of jonghyun. that night, tears too wouldn’t come out. even tears wouldn’t come out.
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