It was like breathing.

I stand by what I said, every bit of it You stand only for yourself It’s what you do I can’t apologize because it’s true 

Only white actresses were considered for The Ancient One.

A Chinese actor with 15 years of martial arts experience auditioned for Iron First and was told he had to be the villain to a white hero.

An Indigenous actress was told to her face that she couldn’t audition for Tiger Lily because they didn’t want the character to be Native anymore.

Okay. Here we go. Here’s me entire story of getting to San Francisco. Senior year of high school, everything was headed downhill. I had virtually no support from my family to attend my dream school, my dream school was expensive as hell, and I had to find out as a senior in high school, the supposed best year of your life, that one of my grandmothers had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and that the other had lukemia. Life unfortunately goes on, as much as I genuinely didn’t want it to. They died within 2 months of each other, only one being able to see me graduate high school. Between losing them, Darren announced his run in California.

I knew that that was my moment.

Come hell or high water, I will see him in that show. I still remember running into the bathroom to call my mom and ask if I could go, and being so surprised how quickly she told me yes. I bought my tickets to the show, and then as I got graduation money and earned money I booked my flight, bought a second set of tickets, and booked my hotel.

Then it was summer.

I graduated, lost my second grandmother, had my graduation party, and went to nationals for dance.

Then it was the end of August.

I moved into college. I was only 4 hours away, but coming from a suburb in Michigan to the city of Chicago was a massive change for me. I packed up, and felt like shit for leaving my family when we were all still going through such a big loss. I left my friends, including my 5 best friends in the entire world, who I grew up dancing with. I left dance, one of my main creative outlets. I was going to be majoring in photography, because I still loved it and dance wasn’t reasonable. I got to school, I moved in. It took time to make friends, but it did happen. I had days where I missed my family and days where I was glad to be in Chicago. I had bad nights, and days where I was so mentally exhausted and tired of life that I couldn’t get out of bed. Life carried on. I had been at school for months, never being asked by a single family member to see my work, still lacking any kind of major support. I was doing the same routine, wake up, go to class, do homework, go to sleep. I had fun things to do in the city on occasion, but it didn’t change the fact that I was going to a school that my family was reluctant to send me to and didn’t seem to care once I was there.

Then it was October.

I had always had my countdown of days, checking every few days to see the number slightly go down, and suddenly it was 20 days until I was leaving. My mood improved, I got better grades for the month, I was in the best mood possible. I realized that there’s no harm in continuing what I love, I picked up a minor in dance. The day came. I got up, got on a plane, and landed in San Francisco. I stepped off the plane and used the SFO snapchat filter.

I made it.

I immediately had this rush of relief wash over me. Like I had bought everything and had it all planned but somehow assumed it would all go wrong because that’s just how my life goes, right? I checked into my hotel, I sat in my room and looked out the window.

I was in San Francisco.

It was Thursday, and even though I wasn’t seeing the show until Saturday, I was going to make the most of the weekend. After going through my very long list of things to tell Darren, practicing my monologue about 45 times and skyping with Jayne to keep myself from exploding with nerves, it was time for me to get ready and leave to go to the theater. I got there, and I remember the security guards being so surprised at how early I was.

“You’re a little early!” “Oh yeah i’m here from Chicago so, wanting to make the most of the weekend.”

That became my persona for the weekend. I was the girl from Michigan/Chicago who was here for the weekend basically just for Darren. I was standing at the barricade, which wasn’t a barricade at all (thank you SO much SHN Golden Gate Theater), and the stage door was right there.

I’m here.

I had a big sketchbook in hand with my finger holding the page where my tattoo would be written. “life’s too short”, a phrase relevant to my life and the people important to me, and I wanted it in Darren’s handwriting more than anything. As I was going over my monologue again, he came out. He made his speech about selfies and started at the end of the line, so I would be in the middle of everyone he’s meeting since the barricade was split in San Francisco.

He got to me, and the first thing I asked was for him to write my tattoo. I was not going to forget. As he was writing it, he goes “life is too short. I agree.” “I’ve been a fan of you since I was a 6th grader and now i’m a freshman in college.” “Oh god don’t say that to me (he thought he was so old what) but thank you! hell yeah! What’s your name?” “Mati”
 HE hugged ME. ????? Darren Criss just hugged me??? I didn’t have to ask???

“Are you from the midwest Mati?” “Yeah, Michigan!” “I knew that because you say mAti.”

Then I made him sign the printed tweet of mine that he favorited and un-favorited because I told him that it caused me a lot of emotional stress. He read the tweet and laughed, and then signed it. I honestly couldn’t tell you if we said anything else, day 1 was a blur. I went back to my hotel, and after tweeting a million times on all my accounts, posting on every social media platform I had, and running around in circles in my hotel room, I went to bed.

I woke up the next morning at 5:30??? Listen, I know there’s a 2 hour time change, but I would never wake up at 7:30 am ever. So I checked my phone, remembered that the night was REAL, and then stayed awake because how could I fall asleep after that.

Little did I know, it would only get better.

Day two, I gave him a UofM shot glass and told Darren that he’s the reason I ever started theater and he’s the reason i’m at art school. He asked where I went to school, told me congratulations, grabbed my hand, my arm, hugged me, and told me he would look out for me at my school next time he was in Chicago. He asked my name again, I said Mati. “Oh thats right! From the midwest.” He signed my playbill, “Mati! Best of Luck!” Wow.

Day three, I saw the show second and first row. Second row, Hedwig threw her shroud right to me. First row, Hediwg pointed at me during “top, and bottom” in Tear me Down, responded to me when I said her hair was flawless (what did she say??? couldn’t tell you to be honest I was too shocked), and Darren pointed to me during curtain call. Stage door, he signed the shroud. “I just wanted to tell you this year has been like-“ “Has it been a shitty year?” “Yes. Really shitty-“ “How did I know” “-and this weekend has like really turned it around.” “FUCK YEAH!” This man pumped his fist into the air like an idiot because he was so excited my year was getting better. We talked about our ultimate rivalry, art school doesn’t have sports so of course I still cheer for the college football team of Michigan State (my whole family went there, my brother goes there now), which just happens to be huge rivals with UofM, Darren’s college. I knew my team was going to lose this year, and he said he understood what it’s like and hugged me. (I was like ok gtg you’re hugging me because you know my team is gonna lose bye) Then he told me he’s glad my year is getting better, and he hopes it continues in that direction, and that it was nice to see me again. WHAT. wha- Okay.

Day four, Melissa took me to do tourist things, which were very cool but not what was on my mind because I won the rush meet and greet???? WHAT IN GOD’S NAME. We went to the 2pm show, got to be cool people and stand at stage door and be like hey. We’re here to get in. We toured the stage???? The theater technician and performer in me was CRYING. I was asking so many questions and I had the biggest smile on my face. We stood on the stage and looked out into the audience, and I realized how everything had fallen into place for me. Like for once, something in my life where everything goes wrong, actually turned out the best way that it could.  And there we were. Standing in front of Darren’s dressing room door. Me thinking, how in the hell did I end up here. Just like that, the door was opened, and me, being the extra person that I am, literally struck the first pose I could think of. Darren looked so shocked I wish I had it on video. I basically bolted in and hugged him, and as we were hugging he asks, “How did you win this? How did you pull this off?” “I literally couldn’t tell you.”

We had a really good conversation with him, we got a long time and he signed my Human EP and another playbill for me. (He knew my name, and said and you’re Mati. M-A-T-I.) The playbill said “Rock on Mati!” and the EP said “Mati, thanks SO much for all the support all this time!” He read me what he wrote on the EP, and I thanked him again for everything he’s helped me with. He was super happy to hear everything I do in the arts, and was genuinely supportive of me and kept saying that i’m doing great things in Chicago. We talked about a lot with him, he brought up things I had said previous nights, he just remembered all of it. He told me that 2017 was gonna be a really good year for me and him. That it was going to get better. 15 minutes of the best conversation of my life, and then me and Melissa were taking our picture with him. There were camera troubles while we were posed, and he goes, “It’s okay. I’ll hold you guys forever.” At the end, just before we walked out, he said to me, “Mati, seriously, thank you so much for coming all the way out here. I really appreciate it, and you’re gonna do great things at school. I can’t wait to see your work! Safe travels back to Chicago.” And then he hugged me again. I have never ever felt more validated as an artist. The man responsible for me getting into the arts at all said he can’t wait to see my work and see me succeed. He believes in me. I knew then that it didn’t matter who else did or didn’t, because he was the only validation I needed.

To top all of this, during his run in LA, my best friend Jayne told Darren that I had met him in SF and that we met because of him. He remembered who I was. He got this big smile on his face when he said “Oh Mati! Yeah yeah yeah. She came a couple of times.”