don't stop

              & who are we

[…]                                    if not cavalry          blazing into         a godless                                                             room if not teeth                      bared into                                                a thieving night.

“Hm?” She didn’t mean to avoid the question, but she certainly didn’t make an effort to answer it either. Not that she was embarrassed about it. Ahyeong wasn’t ashamed of her love for anyone, not her friends nor her boyfriend, but was just something she was used to. Hiding her private life and keeping secrets hidden under a facade of smiles and acts of kindness was her forte. “No, I swear to you!” Ahyeong exclaimed with a laugh. She sincerely hoped Jaehyun was joking, but the possibility that he wasn’t was a good one. She’d seen his apartment before. Then again, compared to her own apartment, everyone’s was a bit cluttered and messy. “Hydrogen peroxide and lemon juice. It doesn’t work as well on darks, but it’s great on white colors.”

“You make me sound like some pervert, Jaehyun-ssi!” Gently, she slapped his arm and laughed. She hadn’t meant for it to seem like she was ushering him out of his clothes. Before coming to Seoul,  she was a perfect daughter. She would help take care of the kids in town and that meant bathing them as well. Although they were much shorter and smaller than Jaehyun, she wasn’t a stranger to seeing males without clothes on. In fact, she had once been praised for somehow managing to wrangle up a group full of toddlers for bath-time in under an hour. Sometimes she found herself missing those days. She was younger then, weaker in mind and body, but happier in spirit. She was ignorant back then and it was blissful. Here, everything ached, from her arms to her heart, but she’d grown fond of the pain. It served as a reminder than she was alive, that her experiences were real and that her suffering was valid. She had always been revered at home. Good grades, work ethic, morals, manners, beauty. She seemed to have it all, but she never really had friends. It seemed that now, in some of her darkest days, she had more people whom she trusted and cared for than she’d ever had in her light. The more she thought about it nowadays, the more she realized he was probably one of her best friends. Taehyung was her love and Gyuri was her closest female friend, but she supposed Jaehyun was her second closest male friend. And while her humor differed greatly to his, she often found herself laughing at his jokes and half-assed attempts at making her laugh. Or was he trying to make her blush? 

If it was the latter, it was working. Taehyung had mastered the art of making her cheeks flush and her face turn hot, but she’d always assumed it was just because of the effect he always had over her. She never really thought herself to be easily embarrassed, even though she was beginning to notice how often she blushed and shied away from certain situations more and more. But before she could even cover her eyes or walk away, he was already stripping. It was her fault, she figured. She was the one to offer and while she definitely didn’t mind washing his clothes, she didn’t really think about what it would be like having a naked man wandering around her apartment. Even Taehyung hadn’t made it that far yet. As he began to walk away, Ahyeong shook her head and came back to the moment. She held her hand over her eyes as she turned around and made a beeline for the kitchen once she collected his clothes. She didn’t think this through, clearly. It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was just a body and it wasn’t like she had any sexual thoughts or desires for Jaehyun. Only Tae had ever provoked such feelings from her, as rare as they might be. After filling the kitchen sink with water and making sure to empty out all his pockets, Ahyeong let them soak before walking back over to the bathroom. Softly, she knocked on the bathroom door, pressing her ear to the wood to listen for the sounds of any movement.

 “Jaehyun-ssi? Are you okay?” She called out, not waiting long for a response. “Please be careful, the floor gets slippery. Oh! And there are four bars of soap on the rack, but only the green soap is for your body. The black one is for your face. Then the orange one is for washing clothes and the purple one.. Well, you don’t need to use the purple one, okay? Lemme know when you’re almost finished, I’ll bring you towels and a change of clothes.” 

He noticed Ahyeong avoiding the question, but he wasn’t going to press any further. So what if she did or didn’t have a boyfriend? They were friends, but it didn’t mean he was entitled to know about every part of her life, even if he wanted to. It wasn’t his business anyway, and it wasn’t like he cared. Jaehyun tilted his head to side, listening to Ahyeong’s instructions on how to remove blood stains. It might take a lot of hydrogen peroxide and lemon juice, though. Along with time he just didn’t feel like spending on laundry of all things, but for Ahyeong he’d make the effort. Whenever someone gave him advice, or corrected him on something he tried his best to be receptive to it. “Huh. Okay. I’ll try that. Might not have to burn ‘em after all.”

He grinned when she slapped his arm, though it was gentle enough for him to not give much of a reaction aside from that. Ahyeong must’ve been gentle with everything she did. “That’s the joke, noona. You seem like the absolute last person who’d be a pervert. So I’m teasing you.” It was the truth, Ahyeong had a squeaky clean image and seemed very pure- so maybe he really was doing something bad by teasing her about things like that. but she didn’t seem to be uncomfortable and just laughed it off. Jaehyun had to wonder, would she laugh it off if he pursued her seriously? When he wanted someone, really wanted them, he could be quite persuasive. But he didn’t even know if he wanted Ahyeong, if he liked her or if this was all just the alcohol trying to coax him into listening to his body’s desires. In the end, his stupid urges won out over his good sense and he ended up practically performing an amateur striptease right in Ahyeong’s living room. She seemed a bit flustered, if the flush on her cheeks was anything to go by. As soon as he walked in the bathroom and shut the door behind him, the shame had begun to set in and he hung his head with an embarrassed smile, having a rare moment of clarity.

Jaehyun stripped down the rest of the way and stepped into the shower, turning nozzle so the water would come out on cold. He needed to snap the fuck out of it, and cool his body and his head down- quite literally. There were many things stupid things he’d done in his life, and this might have just been another thing to add to the list. He hopes Ahyeong wouldn’t hold it against him later. This was so typical of him, looking for attention and affection in all the wrong places.. Ahyeong was one of the most important friendships he had in his life, and he wondered if he was about to fuck it all up. He leaned forward, banging his head lightly against the shower wall several times, muttering, “idiot idiot idiot.” Suddenly he hears Ahyeong’s voice through the door, startling him and causing him to turn towards the sound- and almost as if Ahyeong had jinxed it, the slippery floor and alcohol-affected equilibrium cause him to plummet to the shower floor. “Don’t come in!’ He yells, because he knew how much of a worrywart Ahyeong was and he didn’t need to damage her image of him even more than he’d done already. He had bruised his butt on Ahyeong’s floor, drunk- and it was at this point Jaehyun realized his life was a goddamn mess.

“I missed you.” She let’s herself say that much. And so, for a minute or so  she lets herself be engulfed by his hug. She closes her eyes and tries to savour the moment, hugs him tightly as if somehow he’ll disappear in the next moment. She can’t believe that he’s real, even now. Meeting Jaehyun again felt like a distant dream, his forgiveness even more unbelievable .She’s proud of herself, for making it back alive, but for owning up to her mistakes too. Though perhaps, she appeared the same, Hyera felt numb inside. As if something had been taken from her, as if her will to do what she did was faded, saving lives didn’t seem as important anymore. Hyera wouldn’t cry anymore, not in the way she did before, she’d lost that aspect the moment she stabbed a guy repeatedly. One hit was enough, three? Unnecessary. The darkness and isolation seemed to have clicked something inside of her which was too deadly to PONDER.She didn’t want him to see her as weak, but her previous words had demonstrated how broken she truly was, she had to stop, she had to fix herself. 

“The old Jun Hyera is dead and the home she had is gone.” She wills herself to take a few steps back, shaking her head. “I can’t even r-remember the address of my apartment and Bomi doesn’t think I’m real, It’s too late to back now…..” She pauses, as if the words are coming out too quickly to control “.I don’t want to go back either…..I used to cry and cry all the time, praying t-things would get better, it was naive. Whatever it takes to survive…I’ll do it, I’m stronger now Jaehyun.” She HAD to focus, she had to stay in CONTROL, she couldn’t let the truth slip & she most certainly couldn’t let herself depend on him again, that was too much a burden. She wasn’t sure about the truth of his words, she wasn’t even sure if he believed her about her amnesia. Had he been her HOME, was it her family and her friends that had given her a safety blanket? She was sure her survival in gang life was down to them.Her face is expressionless as she carries on. “The attack on the Ivory Hand already puts me in a tough position, you and I interacting is already dangerous, there’s s-spies everywhere.” Her paranoia was kicking in quicker than she could handle and she was more cautious now, survival had taught her that. But if there was anything, Hyera was simply glad to have detoxed the emotions out of her system and she could now think properly, for now at least. The shopping street was still busy & Hyera gestures for them to walk into alleyway to the side so they’ll be less visible. She wants to change the subject, divert his attention, her mind is running haywire.“You look worse for wear, tell me honestly…how have you been?” 

She missed him? He couldn’t imagine why, really, what was of there of him to miss? In the beginning all he’d done was bully her with bugs and then started training her, gave her a strict training regimen that he himself followed. Maybe it was because she knew that he really cared about her, saw past all of his bullshit. He takes a minute to enjoy the hug, for once letting himself have a bit of comfort from another human being. “I missed you too,” he admits, mumbling the words into her hair quietly. He wasn’t used to this, this tenderness, as the most kind of comfort he was able to get from other people usually came from sleeping with them. Jaehyun didn’t know what it was, but something about Hyera just felt like family, even though now she was technically in another gang.

His brows furrow when she says the old Hyera was dead, and she no longer had a home to return to. To Hyera, was home a place or a group of people? The concept of ‘home’ seemed different to everyone, and to Jaehyun he thought he had a home with the Wildlings, but sometimes he felt like a nomad- looking for homes in other people where there weren’t any. “Where are you going to stay then? Are you living at the Ivory hotel? Maybe y’could move into my apartment complex. Better than staying with all those catty girls, if you ask me.” It didn’t seem safe for her to stay at the hotel, especially with all the shit that just happened. The shit that they were responsible for, apparently. Jaehyun was in charge of most of the dangerous and high-profile kills, and if he had decapitated a man to leave in one of the Ivory Hotel rooms, he’s pretty sure he’d remember it. He wants to believe that Hyera was stronger now, that whatever she’d been through had toughened her up a little, but even if she knew how to properly defend herself now it didn’t make him feel any less protective of her. He’d lost her so many times already. He really doesn’t want the cycle to keep repeating. “You’ve always been strong, Hyera. Just, y’know. Not in the conventional way.” Just not in the way that would prevent you from getting killed.  

He could really give less of a fuck about who saw them talking, but if Hyera was concerned about it he would at least pretend to care, and followed her into the more secluded and private alleyway. Jaehyun leaned against the wall, crossing his arms and letting out a disbelieving laugh when she says he looks worse for wear. “I don’t know what you’re going on about, I look amazing as always.” But he probably did look a little torn up, as there were dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. “I’m fine... as fine as I’m going to be, anyway. But, Hyera, you should know. I didn’t do it. The shit that happened at the hotel.. I don’t know about Yoongi, but I don’t think Sunmi would order something like that.”

…. Why are you tryin’ to get me in even more trouble?

Fuck Eunha. Because even after we broke up, we always came back to each other when we needed a little comfort. Plus, the sex is great. I can’t pick her for marry, ‘cause it’d be too hurtful. She already had a fiancee run out on her once. And I guess I did the same thing. Big fuckin’ surprise, right? Me fucking up? She was the only person I could ever picture myself settling down with, once upon a time. But … if we ever did marry, I don’t think it’d last. We fought too much over stupid shit and could never see the big picture.

Does this even count as a question? I don’t know what you want from me. So I guess I’ll tell you the first word I associate with her when I think about Hyera. Precious. But the other words after that ain’t so nice- but at least she’s not as preachy anymore. I’m glad to have her back, even if she’s not with us anymore and is apart of the gang of witches now. Anyway, don’t go repeating this or I’ll clean your clock, alright?

“Favorite? Hm, hard to pick, he’s not a very likable guy. No fun at all.” He shook his head, but the tone of his words light-hearted. One of his many hobbies was giving Jimin a hard time. But he also looked after Jimin and made sure no one tried to hurt him. It was an unusual friendship. “I like how sensitive he is. And.. I ‘unno. Sometimes, when it’s just us and we’re sitting in the living room in silence doing our own thing.. it’s nice. But at the same time, I hate that he gets pissy when I ask him too many questions. Especially about his personal life,” he muttered, lowering his head and giving a shrug of his shoulders. “Like, excuse me for giving a shit.” Jimin seemed to want a wall up between them, and he couldn’t say that he blamed him for it. Trauma was hard to over come. Jaehyun understood.

“If? Pretend like it didn’t happen. Blame it on the alcohol.“ He scoffs, like the answer was obvious. Jaehyun probably shouldn’t have provoked her like that, but there was only so much of Ahyeong’s naivety he could take. Jaehyun was a predator, and if she threw fresh meat into shark infested waters, how could she expect him not to bite? “’S not like I was serious, anyway,” he says, but his face looks stiff and unnatural. There was tension in his shoulders, and he quickly looked away.

“Calling you oppa wouldn’t make much sense.” She sighed and shook her head, smiling at him. She was much older than Jaehyun ( or at least in her eyes she was ) and referring to him as an oppa was just incorrect. And she wasn’t well-versed enough in the dating scene to know about the popularity of it as a pet name. So, unless he planned on aging up swiftly or inventing a time machine, she couldn’t imagine herself doing such a thing. She didn’t even have brothers who she called that. As soon as that thought crossed her mind, Jaehyun’s words surprised her. “Huh? No, I’m an only child. Why do you ask?” Even if I did have siblings, she thought, they’d all be dead by now. But that didn’t need to be said.

Ahyeong chuckled softly, walking over to where Jaehyun was sprawled on the couch and shook her head. He truly was an enigma to her. He seemed to constantly walk the line of a reckless teenager and a cynical old man. With delicate fingers, Ahyeong lifted his head and replaced his shirt with a small star-shaped pillow. She tucked the shirt underneath her arm as she spoke. “What? That’s ridiculous! Don’t burn them! I have the perfect recipe for getting blood stains out of shirts. Bring them to me next time, I’ll show you the magic of cleaning. Do you want me to wash the pants and socks you’re wearing as well?” She hadn’t really asked him if he wanted her to wash his shirt, but her motherly instincts took hold before she could think. When there were other people in her home, she went into overdrive. Cooking, cleaning, pampering. She wanted to make sure they were all taken care of and had nothing to worry about. After tossing his shirt into the bathroom, Ahyeong made her way back into the kitchen. 

“Does chicken and miso soup sound alright to you? It will help make sure you don’t get a hangover or become dehydrated.” She didn’t even really allow him to answer before pulling out a pot and setting it on the stove. She had a feeling that Jaehyun would eat whatever she gave him, but she still wanted to be sure. Ahyeong filled the pot with pre-made soup from her fridge and then was making her way back to the living room. “You can sleep in my bed, if you’d like, since I know the couch probably isn’t that comfortable, but I only ask that you shower first. I mean this is the nicest way, Jaehyun, but you smell terrible.”

Whenever Jaehyun flirted with her, Ahyeong danced it around and while he was used to getting the brush off from girls out of his league (like Dohee) he genuinely had to wonder- was she dense or just not attracted to him? He's not sure why it bothers him, the concept of Ahyeong not being attracted to him. She cared about him and she humored him, and that should've been enough. Maybe it was just his ego talking.  But he couldn't help but feel a little bummed. His brows furrowed when she denied having any siblings, eyes darting around the room. "Oh." There was a lull in their conversation. Jaehyun wasn't sure how to pick it back up, if he should tease her about her alleged boyfriend or if that'd seem too unnatural. Jaehyun was never usually this stiff, carrying on a conversation was normally as easy for him as breathing. "Boyfriend? Friend that's a boy?" He scratched the side of his neck, puzzled. Jaehyun lifted his neck automatically, letting her slide his shirt out from underneath it to be replaced with a pillow. He gave her an odd look, a disbelieving smile on his face. He'd never been so pampered in his life, and he felt a little like a kept house-boy. She didn't seem all that concerned about the fact that the stains were blood and not something like mustard, instead she only offered to help him. Maybe she thought he got really bad nosebleeds or something. 

"What magic? This is a trick! You're trying to trick me! Do you want to take care of me for the rest of my life or something?" It sounded like a proposal almost, like teasing, but he didn't mean it like that. He was pretty sure the dynamics were all screwy anyway. His father had drilled into him a stereotypical image of masculinity, bad and aggressive habits that were hard for him to unlearn. Jaehyun would take care of her regardless of her answer anyway, and take the secret that if anything ever happened to her he might not be able to bounce back from it - to his grave. He was able to deal with his best friend disappearing without a trace, with his relationship with Eunha falling through, and even with Hyera disappearing for months while he thought her to be dead, but the loss of Ahyeong's friendship might be the straw that finally broke the camels back. He didn't think anyone would ever give a shit about him the way Ahyeong did.

He huffed, once again wondering Ahyeong found enough room in her heart to care about so many people, so many things that seemed insignificant to him. “You’re just tryin’ to get me outta my clothes. ‘S okay. You can admit it,” he drawls, one of the more daring things he’s ever said to her, but there was still enough alcohol flowing through his body for him to forget about how much she meant to him (how much their friendship meant to him) and for him to take notice of how pretty she was. At this point, food was forgotten on his list of priorities, as he’d gotten sidetracked with dangerous thoughts, but he would eat whatever she put in front of him- even if it was gruel. When she came back to the living room, he rose to his feet and took several strides towards her, a predatory gaze in his eyes. “I’m not kickin’ you out of your own bed. What kind of an animal do you think I am?” Whenever he’s had something good in his life, something worth keeping- Jaehyun has always had the compulsion to destroy it. To test the limits. If you put a beautiful flower in front of him, he would inhale it’s fragrance, and then tear the petals off one by one.

 “I don’t stink. It’s musk. But if you insist,” he says, something of a smug smile on his lips- brows raising. Around Ahyeong, he tried to have some semblance of self-control, tried not to make her too uncomfortable and behaved. For the most part. But when she said things like this, so careless and so trusting, it was hard for him not to take the bait. He slid his fingers underneath the waistband of his jeans, giving a harsh tug until his pants pooled around his ankles- keeping his eyes trained on her. Jaehyun was provoking her. He stepped out of them, and then turned away before padding to the bathroom with a smirk. He’d probably be paying for that as soon as he was done showering and she deemed him sober enough to kick out.