But if you use a ladle, you'll be fine.

Pov you're Three and multiple fuck off massive ships saw you from across the bar and liked your vibe ✨

Very vaguely inspired by this from Platform Decay (mild spoiler):

That one platform decay scene. To me 👍

Stills of MB's signs ⬇️

emotion check: platform decay was good

When they're waiting to board the boat and the crowd is all listening in on Murderbot telling the humans its going back to help the militia hold off the corporates

The crowd all parting to let it through and Mb thinks it must be its angry face and not the fact that everyone just heard its going off to protect them

When passengers spot it in the water and work together to pull it aboard

the phrase "Honor Princess Detective is a tour de force" would not leave my brain until i drew this

[ID (copied from alt): A three-panel comic depicting Murderbot, Sofi, and Farai from the Murderbot Diaries in a simplified style.

In the first panel, Sofi excitedly says, "SecUnit!!! The season finale is about to start!!!" while adorning Murderbot's head with a tiara. Murderbot responds on the feed, "Yes, I see it."

In the second panel, Murderbot and Sofi are seen from behind while Farai walks past carrying a basket. She says on the feed, "You don't have to indulge her."

later THE SAME DAY, SecUnit (famously allergic to asking for help) messages their group chat "I need help" with ZERO context, which gives Ratthi and Gurathin such a shock they almost knock their table over. then it facetimes them from the NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM to ask which of these Preserved Artifacts works best for jetting out into space? and Ratthi and Gurathin are like, "that one with the red tags, but ummm why?"

"don't worry about it," it says, "I'll tell you later."

then it HANGS UP and they don't hear from it for the rest of the day.

1) You know those really charismatic professors you sometimes get in college? The ones who are so sassy and engaging that it would be more work to tune them out than it is to learn. (E.g. I had a Latin professor who had us translate verb phrases wherein we killed squirrels in increasingly gruesome ways. Apparently squirrels kept digging up the professor's garden. Boy did we learn Latin.)

2) Murderbot is very socially anxious, but it gets less so in security situations, and that makes it wittier. (E.g. "Why does it look like a person?" "I ask myself that sometimes.") It's also a lot less anxious in familiar situations, like briefings it has given repeatedly.

3) Murderbot is excruciatingly aware of how tough it is for humans to internalize vital security protocols. MB is its most delightfully sarcastic self when venting about bad human security decisions.

4) ART is a teaching vessel, and every so often a new bunch of teenagers are added to its crew. Each new group will require security briefings from ART's onboard security consultant.

Conclusion: Murderbot, to its own mounting horror, is going to become the cool professor of safety lectures.

MB: "You've landed the supply transport on-planet, but there's a delay with the other transport. You're alone with 72 hours before the rest of your survey group catches up. What do you do?" student 1: "I guess I start setting up the hab?" MB: "How do you retrieve the hab components from the cargo compartment?" student 1: "I unlock the transport, make sure I have my com interface, and then I go back to open the hatch from the outside." MB: "You have left the transport without double-checking planetary air quality. Geological activity has vented poison gas since the prior readings were taken. You suffocate and die. Who wants to go next?" student 2: "Me! Okay, I double check the environment: Air quality, temp, radiation, and… oh! Ground stability! I put on an envirosuit anyway, because the readings could be wrong. I also check for indications of hostile fauna. Then I start setting up the hab." MB: "Do you finish setting it up?" student 2: "Um… yes?" MB: "The process takes you several hours, and you didn't stop to update your scan for hostile fauna. You get eaten and die." student 3: "I stay in the transport!" MB: "You stay in the transport for the full 72 hours?" student 3: "Yes." MB: "How do you stay entertained?" student 3: "I dunno. I just wait." MB: "Did you bring any media?" student 3: "Um…" MB: "You failed to prepare media in case of a solitary confinement scenario. You're human, so going 48 hours without entertainment or interaction causes brain damage. (That's not a joke. Look it up, kids.) Now your impulse control is impaired." MB: "…MORE impaired. And backup is still 24 hours out. Desperate for novelty, you leave the transport, get eaten, and die." student 4: "I pass the time by writing fanfiction." MB: "You live."

Eventually Murderbot has to add a section to its standard introductory briefing entitled, "Introverts With Guns In Their Arms: Why you should never initiate social interactions with SecUnit 1.0 unless you are reporting a security threat."