aaron

i wrote a small song and i was real proud of it until i realized i accidentally used every single chord from In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, just in a different order

are braces gonna make me 2x uglier than i already am or are they gonna make me look better because i cant avoid it anymore and my mom's making me get them.

im getting a tom delonge signature guitar and i cannot put into words how excited i am, im so happy YAY YAY

i sorta hate being such a sentimental person. as nice as it is to feel love and affection very deeply, i also feel rejected for my own feelings in a lot of ways. i often think about situations with people I'm close to as such intimate and important moments, but when they describe how it felt, it was just a small thing with a friend that they could brush off so easily. also, not to mention how embarrassing it is. its like i can't feel deeply without judgement, being a teenage guy, but i always feel so emotional over things that it makes me feel like a child or something, as if i cant handle complex emotions when really, i feel like i can. its completely humiliating when i send a whole paragraph to someone about how much i care for them, and all i get back is a "wow Aaron, that's kind of u," as if it really doesn't matter to them, and im too dramatic with how i feel. i mean, it's crazy to know that i spend hours at night staring at the ceiling and thinking about a person until i feel like I'm going insane, and waking up the next morning to zero texts from them. this is in reference to someone I'm not in contact with anymore, but it is still a very good example of my situation. im not sure this makes sense, i struggle at getting my point across and the more i write, the cornier i feel so.

i wish it was easier to get rid of acne. its not all over my face anymore, but i still get a lot on my cheeks and forehead and its always so hard to get rid of without expensive products and stuff.

i embarrass myself by grinning like an idiot at stupid things and then realizing i do in fact look like a moron so i make myself look nonchalant again

i have a few copies of citr, but one of them is from when i was around 11 years old. its interesting to see where i highlighted things i related to, because i still find them relatable despite it being years later.

i can't tell if this is a vent or not, but I've been thinking a lot about it so i might as well put it into words. recently, ive been thinking a lot more about my own personal sexual orientation after hearing so much about other peoples. im a cis guy, so automatically a lot of my friends are going to be as well, but all of them are sure that they're straight. ever since i was little, I've had this feeling in the back of my head that i may like guys, but I've pushed it away every time and chosen to ignore it just to keep life a bit easier for me, but as i get older, romance is something that is a very big part in a lot of people's lives. i know that ive always had internalized homophobia, but it hurts a lot more to have it when im supposed to be out living that highschool sweetheart life, y'know dating girls, doing dumb stuff, and then being heartbroken when u break up with them because u really thought it was gonna work out. ive dated girls before. in fact, i just recently got out of a relationship with a girl because i was facing the fact that i was having trouble dating someone that i couldn't fully be attracted to. i feel sorta guilty about it. the whole damn time i was thinking about what it would be like to date a guy instead, and i guess i feel bad for putting her through that. but anyways, i dunno how to deal with internalized homophobia, and even though im young, i cant help but feel like ill never find someone to really love because i feel uncomfortable with a girl, but disgusting with a guy even if i could love him. it feels forbidden to love another guy because I've grown up around very homophobic people, even being taught those morals as a little kid who likes other boys. it feels gross and foreign, but i know that's what i want. anyways, i sorta ranted about this and didn't even get my full thoughts out, so im just gonna hope that things turn out better than i think they're gonna turn out.