i think i just got dumped lol...
by a friend haha
tw: depression, ed, suicidal ideations, toxic relationships, codependency?
itâs not a a direct dumping situation, but more of a mutual agreement/fight that weâre very bad for eachother. so at this point, itâs just a gradual falling out from here.
yk people talk about friendship breakups a lot, and iâve had mây fair share of falling outs, but this one really hurt. itâs so sad to know that you and someone close to you are drifting apart. but itâs kind of like i knew from the start. our friendship wasnât the healthiest, it was primarily based on my codependency and then helping me through my depression, ED, etc. they were basically the only person that really cared for me, that i had an emotionally intimate connection with, that i truly opened up to. bc of how codependent and attached i got, i talk all the assholery and shitty behavior they would give me. i was such an omega haha (that was our inside joke lol). anyway, it really shows how depressions and mental health can fuck a relationship. i feel like if i donât open up to someone about my issues, we have a meaningless connection because i canât be honest with them. and letâs say i do open up to them, 9/10 they canât provide the emotional support i need (bc theyâre not a therapist duh). letâs say i do find someone i can be vulnerable with and they give me good support, i just start dumping everything on them. i start attaching to them, and there comes my codependency. i start thinking âno one else is gonna have a deep connection with me like thisâ, âpeople who care are rare, i just have to endure itâ, âi can change themâ (you can never change them), âi donât have the energy to open up like this againâ.
and since most people arenât therapists, there comes a point into the relationship where there emotional support isnât enough. well, itâs not that theyâre not enough, but they can only do so much. there comes a point where the only person who can help you is a professional. in my situation, i canât get a therapists anytime soon. so all i can rely is on that one person, and thatâs a lot of responsibility for someone to carry. they start feeling guilty about not being able to help you any further, they start worrying about wether youâll stay alive every night, they have to deal with your emotional outbursts, they get frustrated, they say the wrong thing. and sometimes you as a depressed person may sometimes say manipulative things without realizing it, and itâs not your intention either. you start saying things like âyouâre the only reason iâm aliveâ, âi cant live without youâ (i.e codependency supreme). and then the cycle continues...
at this point iâve been so lonely all my life, meeting this friend last year changed me as a person. but at one point it just stopped working how it should have. there was no healthy give and take. i started realizing âi donât even care for this person, i care for the vulnerability they give meâ i confirmed this because as soon as they dumped me, i was already looking for the next person to latch onto. sometimes i just feel like a fucking leech. i feel like iâm being ungrateful for not accepting the love thatâs being given to me, all bc itâs not what i want. i think the problem is me expecting someone else in my life to âheal meâ or at least help. i think is because this person who just dumped me was the beginning of my healing journey. they was literally the only person that iâve ever bebe this vulnerable with.
it was a complicated relationship but iâll never regret it. but it also made my fear of being alone heighten. when i met them, i felt like i was unlikable, but i was okay with it? i was very unpopular and shy, and she was your standard popular kid. we met during quarantine so it was just me and them. during that time, they gave me all the confidence i could get, and my social skills got way better. iâm naturally an extroverted person, i just didnât have the confidence. being friends with people like them was my dream throughout my freshmen year. so now, in my junior year, i started making more friends. the people who i hated, but secretly wanted to be, all started talking to me and i had the confidence to talk to them. i felt and still feel like iâm putting on a persona though. i deal with people i donât like. iâm not honest. iâm slowly becoming a pushover. all because of my fear of not being liked and alone. all of these connections felt vague, and fake. there was no emotional connection. it was exhausting to put up a front in front of all these people.
(context: the main friend iâm talking about goes to a different school)
so when i would go back to my person, it felt comforting and real. now that theyâre leaving my life, i feel empty. iâm honestly so tired of people leaving my life. i genuinely feel like iâll never have a connection like this again. sometimes i think that itâs not worth it at this point. im tired of people coming and going. im tired of being left alone to cry. my suicidal thoughts get worse. i just want to end it. healing is so painful. it takes so much time. and iâm just so tired. itâs taking a toll on my life and iâm so tired of it.
anyway, codependency and an anxious attachment style sucks. and this is why you stay away from scorpios.
anyway, iâm getting a new phone. share your excitement for me please bc i have no more friends đđ











