chiyo

by a friend haha

tw: depression, ed, suicidal ideations, toxic relationships, codependency?

it’s not a a direct dumping situation, but more of a mutual agreement/fight that we’re very bad for eachother. so at this point, it’s just a gradual falling out from here.

yk people talk about friendship breakups a lot, and i’ve had m’y fair share of falling outs, but this one really hurt. it’s so sad to know that you and someone close to you are drifting apart. but it’s kind of like i knew from the start. our friendship wasn’t the healthiest, it was primarily based on my codependency and then helping me through my depression, ED, etc. they were basically the only person that really cared for me, that i had an emotionally intimate connection with, that i truly opened up to. bc of how codependent and attached i got, i talk all the assholery and shitty behavior they would give me. i was such an omega haha (that was our inside joke lol). anyway, it really shows how depressions and mental health can fuck a relationship. i feel like if i don’t open up to someone about my issues, we have a meaningless connection because i can’t be honest with them. and let’s say i do open up to them, 9/10 they can’t provide the emotional support i need (bc they’re not a therapist duh). let’s say i do find someone i can be vulnerable with and they give me good support, i just start dumping everything on them. i start attaching to them, and there comes my codependency. i start thinking “no one else is gonna have a deep connection with me like this”, “people who care are rare, i just have to endure it”, “i can change them” (you can never change them), “i don’t have the energy to open up like this again”.

and since most people aren’t therapists, there comes a point into the relationship where there emotional support isn’t enough. well, it’s not that they’re not enough, but they can only do so much. there comes a point where the only person who can help you is a professional. in my situation, i can’t get a therapists anytime soon. so all i can rely is on that one person, and that’s a lot of responsibility for someone to carry. they start feeling guilty about not being able to help you any further, they start worrying about wether you’ll stay alive every night, they have to deal with your emotional outbursts, they get frustrated, they say the wrong thing. and sometimes you as a depressed person may sometimes say manipulative things without realizing it, and it’s not your intention either. you start saying things like “you’re the only reason i’m alive”, “i cant live without you” (i.e codependency supreme). and then the cycle continues...

at this point i’ve been so lonely all my life, meeting this friend last year changed me as a person. but at one point it just stopped working how it should have. there was no healthy give and take. i started realizing “i don’t even care for this person, i care for the vulnerability they give me” i confirmed this because as soon as they dumped me, i was already looking for the next person to latch onto. sometimes i just feel like a fucking leech. i feel like i’m being ungrateful for not accepting the love that’s being given to me, all bc it’s not what i want. i think the problem is me expecting someone else in my life to “heal me” or at least help. i think is because this person who just dumped me was the beginning of my healing journey. they was literally the only person that i’ve ever bebe this vulnerable with.

it was a complicated relationship but i’ll never regret it. but it also made my fear of being alone heighten. when i met them, i felt like i was unlikable, but i was okay with it? i was very unpopular and shy, and she was your standard popular kid. we met during quarantine so it was just me and them. during that time, they gave me all the confidence i could get, and my social skills got way better. i’m naturally an extroverted person, i just didn’t have the confidence. being friends with people like them was my dream throughout my freshmen year. so now, in my junior year, i started making more friends. the people who i hated, but secretly wanted to be, all started talking to me and i had the confidence to talk to them. i felt and still feel like i’m putting on a persona though. i deal with people i don’t like. i’m not honest. i’m slowly becoming a pushover. all because of my fear of not being liked and alone. all of these connections felt vague, and fake. there was no emotional connection. it was exhausting to put up a front in front of all these people.

(context: the main friend i’m talking about goes to a different school)

so when i would go back to my person, it felt comforting and real. now that they’re leaving my life, i feel empty. i’m honestly so tired of people leaving my life. i genuinely feel like i’ll never have a connection like this again. sometimes i think that it’s not worth it at this point. im tired of people coming and going. im tired of being left alone to cry. my suicidal thoughts get worse. i just want to end it. healing is so painful. it takes so much time. and i’m just so tired. it’s taking a toll on my life and i’m so tired of it.

- okay first...is it just me or are taurus placements rlly strict with their music taste? like i feel like all my taurus friends will “listen” to my music reccomendedations, but then not gaf about it later. like i’m literally scared to take over aux with my taurus friends bc i feel like they think they music taste is so superior 😭. as a matter of fact, i don’t even think i get the option to get aux—

alright this one is for my signs whoare considered pushovers, passive, or non-confrontational (i.e pisces, libra, cancer, virgo idk who else) why do you do it? personally as a pisces moon i just don’t like to be judged, and i don’t want others to feel judged either. when people are rude to me, i just don’t bother being confrontational, i feel like it’s not worth my energy. when people don’t like me i just leave.

and a lot of the times i’m very patient with people treating me a certain way. usually it’s bc i know i’m very emotional and if i blow up at them it’s gonna be a train wreck. i dont like confronting people unless i actually know why i’m angry, so i assess the situation before i get all up in your face. but i cant hide how i feel in the moment, so that’s why i may seem “passive”. but in reality i’m just trying not to look like a fool 😭😭

for this one i’m just generally curious: what do you guys hate about your sister/opposite signs? (esp gemini and sag, i feel like y’all get along the best out of all the pairings)

for me (leo sun): there’s nothing that i dislike geniuenly about aquarius. their stubbornness is one. their god-complex as well, i notice they tend to look at you like you’re stupid when they disagree with you. i like that they’re unique but sometimes aquas it’s okay to enjoy basic things 😭😭

i’m gonna do virgo too as a pisces moon: i feel like y’all are so worried about taking control of everything in ur life that u push that onto other people. like the virgos im close with will criticize me “to help” in the most earthy way, but sometimes virgo...not everyone functions the same way as you, just let it go and let them be.

i hate how they get mad when you don’t take their advice the first time too...like everyone works at their own pace. when virgo gives you advice, they expect you to take it immendiately, and if you do it on your own time, or figure it out way later, they get annoyed...for why

pisces placement edition~

as a pisces moon, i’m naturally very emotional, sensitive, i would say “naive”, idealistic, and delusional

my fellow pisces, what’s a trait you hate about ur pisces placement(s)?

another thing i feel like pisces get shit on is being too vulnerable for their own good

dear pisces, what’s your mentality behind that? why do we feel the need to give our everything to a person?

i feel like because of how open we are, we often face very traumatizing incidents

so for an even deeper question: what was the worst outcome that’s come from you being too vulnerable? how have u grown and come out of that situation?

another thing! as a pisces moon: i hate talking to non-water placements about my emotions

i feel like earth, air, and (sometimes fire) signs try to rationalize my hysterical emotions. what they don’t understand, is i’m not in a rational place rn, i just want people to feel for me yk? not make sense of it, not give me advice, or fix my problem.

so to the other pisces out there: how has emotional interactions with other signs gone?

last question for all the other signs: what’s your opinon on pisces? what is something you just don’t understand about them?

i’ll start

pisces + aries: cry...over everything. like any emotion i’m crying. i’m already an aries mars so i get angry fast. but it just turns to angry crying

then i get extremely histerical and do things impulsively. my judgment is extremely impaired. i get super defensive. i take everything personally, i am extremely sensitive. i want to punch and throw things.

question for the signs edition

scorpios: what does it take for you to truly open up to someone?

also why are u still so obsessed when it comes to ur lovers

like literally y’all will break up with someone bc they weren’t good for you and you know that

but y’all will still get jealous and possessive over them •3•

aquas...how do you deal with your emotions? geniuene question...

libras: why is it so easy for someone to change your mind?

like i literally had a libra friend who was so excited about buying this longboard but then as soon a someone put in their 2 cents about it, they changed their mind and returned it

she ended up getting it back lol

tauri: why are ur expectations of loyalty so high

this happened twice: a taurus had problems with some other person and the taurus cut them off. it was something very minor that the person apologized for

the taurus pushed their opinion on their libra friends, and pressured them to drop the guy. the libras (being the mediators they are) tried their best to work through the issue and had it resolved

till this day that taurus holds a grudge that the libras didn’t drop the guy (this happened 3 years ago)

another instance: my taurus friend dropped this girl bc she made a racist comment. 3 years later, that girl’s brother is dating her other friend (let’s call her maggie)

she literally completely distanced herself from maggie because she was so mad about it

she’s told maggie about the whole situation before as well

it just confused me, bc the brother wasn’t the one who made the racist comment?

obviously her reasoning to be upset was valid, but she’s not super close to maggie, she doesn’t really know the brother that well. it just seems like she should stop concerning herself with them and ignore them for her own sake.

anyway in general: she pushes her opinion on people she doesn’t like and expects you to feel the same way even if you barely know them

which is debatable behavior^ i think it depends on the situation

capricorns + libras + leos + virgos are all very obsessed with how they are preceived by people > mostly for different reasons

capricorns simply want to present themselves as their best selves—they have a reputation to up hold

leos need that validation and appreciation to fuel their ego regardless of how confident they actually are

virgos are naturally very anxious and nitpicky—especially to themselves. they judge others bc they judge themselves 10x harder, so they assume everyone is judging them too (trust me virgo, it’s just you :/)

also my chart: lilith leo in 1st house, Pluto in 5th house, Sun in Leo 12th House, Pisces moon in 8th House, Saturn Leo

aries sun, cancer moon, aries merc., taurus venus, gemini mars

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