보고싶다.

It feels like I can’t even let myself be happy for a moment without overthinking and being sad.

But, where did we go wrong? I want to know so I don’t make the same mistakes again. So I don’t lose something I want to keep.

Without hesitation, I would accept you back in my life. 

Because I am stupid. And I truly have no one.

Never have I felt so alone. I feel like I have no one to turn to. Like, I am no one’s person. 

I’m all about this boy and I hate it. I hate that I always think that every guy is the one, and is worth fighting for.

I shouldn’t continue this. I really want to, and I really actually adore this boy. I am just scared. There’s so many red flags, so why can’t I just stop this.

This happens all the time to me. Why am I not even surprised. I just can’t trust him anymore.

But I do, and I don’t know why.

It’s just so hard. Deciding on whether you should do something before you know it’s about to get ugly. When you know deep down that what is best, is something you don’t want. Because I am so selfish, and so greedy, and so so lonely. 

Was I driven into the wrong arms? When everything feels so right about him. But why am I not good enough still? Why can’t I just have a happy ending?

Why can’t a guy just show me love and affection for once in my lifetime. And why do I crave this so much. Why is this what I’ve been searching for my whole life? I want to crave something else for myself.

But all I want is to find someone for me, find someone to spend the rest of my life with, getting married and starting a family. That’s all I ever wanted honestly. A family to love, someone to love actually.

I’m just so broken from my family and growing up. So this is all I ever want for my life. It’s really lame tbh. I just want a guy to love me hahah. Sad isn’t it. It’s sad that I would literally give the world to someone. 

I’m wasting my time feeling like this. 

I guess I’ll continue to get my heart stepped on. I don’t deserve anything really. 

Have I not been good in my lifetime? Like, what did I do to deserve this? It makes me believe that I don’t deserve anything.

So I’ll just let everything happen. I won’t try to stop anything. And whatever happens will happen.

I’ll get hurt like always. 

But anyways.

To this new guy in my life that I met on hinge -

I like this boy. I think I like him a lot because I haven’t talked to anyone in a long time. You know, I don’t really get affection or anything. So that is why I get attached so easily. And that’s why I crave it so much.

Anyways, I told him about my family, and growing up. We cried together, and it was kind of weird. I just, didn’t think it was the right time. I don’t really like opening up to people anymore. I do love getting to know someone on a deeper level, but I never want to share myself.

Maybe it’s because everyone always leaves, and they leave with all that information about me. I don’t know why I am so scared to be vulnerable.

Is it sad and heartbreaking that I know where this is going to end? It’s going to end so bad. This boy is going to wreck me just like every other guy, even though I know he doesn’t want to.

I didn’t say all that I wanted to say because I was just burnt out, and I was tired of crying haha.

There is a lot on my mind, and I always wondered. I always stuck to writing out my feelings and thoughts, but I never really told anyone. And I’ve been doing this since I was 12? I just never had the chance to get professional help because I thought I could handle it. And at times, I really do believe I can handle it all. But I do seriously need professional help. I am way better than before, yes. If only I did get professional help when I was growing up, would I be better today? How did I end up enduring it all back then?

And it hurts that I never healed from all that trauma, because I don’t even know where to fix myself. It’s like I’m so lost in trying to find what to heal that I can’t even heal myself.

I like talking to this guy, I really do. And I really want to be something more, obviously with time. But I am so so scared. I get so many doubts and insecurities, because of my past.

How did the other guy end up so happy and successful, but here I am, so broken. I just don’t deserve anyone.

Hi. Another update. Haha. It’s been a long ass time. I also started another tumblr blog but I forgot the password.

But it’s been since July 2020? Geez much has changed.

I moved out again in July 2021, with 2 of my besties. It’s been really great honestly. The rent is kind of pricey, but it is worth. I have a shitty car, but it still gets me to work.

I work now at a KBBQ place in uptown, and I really enjoy it. It doesn’t stress me out and I barely get sick. I met so many cool people there too. I know its sad to think that I am almost 26 and still working as a server, but I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to apply myself better. I really don’t strive to be this successful person. I am okay with being mediocre, and living an average life. 

Of course, I am surrounded by people who want more for themselves. But I just, don’t know about myself. I do feel like such a failure as well. I don’t want to compare myself to others, but I just don’t know what else I can do. Growing up, I just never saw myself as happy or successful. So being able to have fun, and have a little bit of money right now is really great for me. I know I am not financially stable, and that I should stop partying, but I enjoy it. I didn’t grow up like this. I grew up pretty sheltered, so what if I just want to enjoy it while I can. I don’t want to try to please others, but I just can’t help but feeling like a failure. I just want to enjoy my life because I never did growing up.

Anyways, I think about my future a lot. I think about what dreams or goals that I have. And if, they are truly my dreams or just things I put into my head to try to impress the people around me. Negl, I don’t think I have any dreams or ambition. I lack a lot of stuff. I have just been so depressed my whole life, so its just hard.

I met this guy. And let me just vent about him because I feel like I am going crazy overthinking.

I met him on hinge. And, it wasn’t like I was hardcore looking for someone, and honestly I swipe like on so many guys on there, so  I don’t expect much. I’ll have simple conversations with them and eventually end up not talking to them anymore. But this guy was different.

He asked me to add him on snapchat after the second I asked him “how are you” and I was just like, oh here we go again, just another boy who just wants to snap. So I added him on snapchat and snapped him first. I didn’t think too much of it, I was at work and was bored. So we would snap each other every now and then, nothing much. It was halloween weekend so I went out partying, and he was free that Sunday, but I worked. So I kind of brushed him off when he wanted to meet up. Then I went to LA for a week, so I thought we would eventually stop talking on snap, since I wouldn’t even be able to meet up with him. But we snapped occasionally as well during my LA trip, and I even told Emi that I was snapping this guy, but nothing serious or anything. Because I didn’t think we would even meet up. 

When I came back from LA, i was busy working, but on one friday night, I was off. And he asked if I wanted to meet up after he met up with his friend on friday night, to get milkshakes. So I agreed because there was no other time to meet this guy in person, we were so busy with work and such.

Eventually he told me that his friend cancelled so we should grab drinks after he gets off of work. Keep in mind, he lives an hour away. So I told him lets meet at Seoul food, because I was comfortable there and I knew it was a safe spot. When I met him, I saw Tri right behind him, and I haven’t seen tri in sooo long, so I was like, sorry let me talk to this guy real quick. Haha, I was on my phone a lot because I was messaging tri. But, we went to the bar to get drinks, and he offered to pay but I paid for his because he drove all the way here. Then he paid for the next drink. I didn’t feel nervous or anything tbh. I had no expectations or feelings at this point. It was kind of awkward sometimes too. 

After drinking, we went to his car to drive around, because we wanted to talk more. So we went for a drive. It was nice. Eventually he dropped me off at my car, and we were just vibing in the car, listening to music. It was until 1:30am probably. 

After that, I didn’t feel much. I didn’t have much thoughts. The last time I met someone on a dating app, Justin, we talked a lot the first hangout and we just friendzoned each other. So it kind of felt similar.

Anyways, I gave him my number but he never texted me. He still continued to snap me. The next day, I worked and didn’t want to go out after work, but eventually got FOMO and wanted to go out. I went to slingshot with Amadeo, and our friends went to Slate. I found out that he was also at slate, and I told him I was at slingshot. I was kind of tipsy during slingshot and he said lets meet up after he is finished with his friends because they were going to lost & found - which was right beside slingshot. So he eventually came to slingshot, and it was SOOO awkward lmao. I stopped dancing and I wasn’t even tipsy anymore. He eventually met my friends there because I was with them. I was kind of touchy with him, I guess because I was tipsy. But we went to Amadeo’s afterwards because Brian suggested an after party. When we were at Amadeo’s, I couldn’t stop touching him. He eventually spent the night there, so I stayed there too. We were downstairs on the couch, cuddling, but I just felt so uncomfortable lmao. I had to wake up early to do a double the next morning. Geez, I can’t believe I did a double. We had plans to eat at the park after I got off of work that day, but I cancelled on him because I needed sleep, and I legit saw him twice in a row.

So yeah, we snapped more and stuff. And we planned to go to the park the next sunday after I got off of work. But then I asked if he wanted to see a movie saturday night together. In which we did, movie date. I held his hand at the movie because we were touchy already, so I thought oh, I can hold his hand. After the movie, I invited him over to my place.

We sat on the couch, talking, and drinking. Eventually we got up to go to the kitchen and I just kissed him first. We were so close to each other, so I went for it. And he told me that he wanted to do it first but he was shy lmao. He went in for another kiss, but I looked away haha.

We went back to the couch, and eventually he touched my boobs, and kissed them. So I was like, okay if we go upstairs, I am going to suck your dick. Like, I wanted to. We went upstairs after a while. And we had sex. But I was on my period, and he didn’t have a condom. But he pulled out, and only lasted like 2 seconds. Because he hasn’t had sex in 9 months, and I haven’t had sex in like 2 years. I was soo tight, and it hurt so much because it felt like I was a virgin lmao. It felt good after a while, but he came so fast so I couldn’t even enjoy it lol.

The next morning, we got plan b and ate pho together. He still agreed to meet at the park the night after I got off of work. So after work, we went to get halal food and sat at the park to eat and talk. It was a really nice night out. We were both sober and had a good conversation. I think that night was really nice, and wholesome. 

Then we snapped more, and he eventually started texting me more because I told him that I didn’t like snapchat like that.

We went to seoul food again the next week. And had a good talk. I think during that time, I realized I shouldn’t fall so quickly for him. Because he has commitment issues and he doesn’t have any feelings for me like that yet.

I’m not going to explain every outing we’ve had, or every conversation. But I just can’t help but be scared. I don’t want him to lead me on, like merton did. I don’t want to be just friends with benefits when I see so much potential with him. I’m hurting already. Because i overthink, and I am just not used to talking to a guy that isn’t using me as a rebound or a body because he is lonely. 

Or is he. You see, I am not sure either. I have these doubts and I am scared. He told me that he is scared that he is going to hurt me, and that just made my walls go up so high. When he said that, I just got flashbacks to Merton. How I didn’t read the red flags, and ignored them because I was lonely and needed someone. This is the same. I am lonely, once again.

I’m not sure that we will end up anything, and I just want to give up. It scares me. He can literally do the same thing that every guy has even done. And I’ll just let him. 

Hi. An update again.

Things got ... weird. I went back to Hawkers as a server but that ended quickly because of the pandemic. But this pandemic, was so good for me. It was the break I needed.

Things are better for me mentally. I do get sad every now and then, like right now haha. But I feel like I am surpressing my sadness again. I feel okay. But I know things are not okay.

I moved back into my grandparents house because I didn’t want to live at my house during quarantine and I didn’t have a car. Also, half of my roommates suck. But now, I have a car. This virus isn’t going away but I don’t want to take any chances of catching it because I am tired of being sick all of the time.

Thanh and I are on good terms now. I talk to her daily too. I no longer think about the boys in my past. And that is the thing I am most proud of. That I’m over it. That I know that I’ve gotten better. There’s no one special in my life but I am just living. And I never realized how special that is until now. I no longer want to share my life on social media, so I barely get on it. It was toxic for my healing. I am still in the process of healing and I only wish that things will get better.

Hello,

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. I could have sworn that I wrote more when I was in South Korea haha. Welp, here I go.

Things aren’t so great. Big surprise. Honestly, I don’t even know why I have any hope anymore. lol. Pretty sad right. I try not to think so negative, but things keep happening in my life that bring me down. And, I hate that I live my life like this.

I got fired from my job. Honestly, I know the owners suck and stuff, but it’s just a slap in the face getting fired. I knew that place was so toxic, and I couldn’t grow in there. And I felt not good enough. So staying there, really drained me. But I did let it. I let it affect me so much.

I feel so depressed that I don’t even want to look for a job. I know I need the money, but I just don’t feel good enough for anything. And it’s like, I want a real job. I just feel like a waste tbh. I know I can’t really express this to anyone, because I know their answer. It’ just frustrating not being able to be this person to anyone, because I don’t want to feel like a burden. And I know what I should do, but I don’t want to do it.

It’s like I am in a slump, yet again. I barely have any money. And not having a job, really hurts. I just moved out because I felt so trapped in my house. I needed space. A lot of things annoy me now. And I feel like I hold back from a lot of stuff too.

I’ve been going out a lot, drinking, and raving. It’s fun, but honestly, it’s not me. Haha, maybe I am just so miserable that I really don’t know what excites me. Being around friends is nice, but I just don’t know. Maybe I don’t have any emotions anymore, or I am just heartless.

It’s been a couple of years but I still think of Merton. Honestly, I was so fucked up back then. I don’t know why I still think of him. I just .. also can’t get over it. Maybe because I can’t forgive myself. But I just ... haven’t found anyone as well. No one has ever truly wanted to get to know me like Merton did. And I want to say no one has ever liked me like he did, but honestly, he didn’t even like me like that. I just feel like people usually end up not liking me like that. I am just a rebound for people. It’s pretty sad honestly. That I am no one’s first choice.

But love is not for me, right. I don’t think I can love anyone again. My heart is too damaged.

I love my friends. But I am also scared. Things don’t last. People come and go. I know that I don’t show that I am hurt from losing my friendship with Thanh, but I am. It actually really hurts. It hurts that I seemed so heartless about the situation. And that no one really gets it, if I would try to tell them though. Idk, also some what being friends with her hurt me because i kept thinking about Merton. Because during most of our friendship, he was involved. But she was there for me through a lot, and I owe her a lot. So it hurts that our friendship drifted apart. I thought it wouldn’t. And having new friends who are also great people, kinda hurts me too. I didn’t mean to replace her, or make them seem more important than her. People do change, you know. I am thankful for everything she’s done. 

I just feel like I need to back away now, from everything. I need some time for myself. I know my friends do not mean any harm. But, I’m hurting. And it sometimes hurts being with them. Being happy with them, because I know it might all end one day.

I have a lot on my mind. But it’s so hard to even let out. I’m sad. And it hurts.

But I’ve been sad. For quite a long time. And I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t depressed. When did this even happen? I can’t even remember certain events in my life anymore. Did I just repress those moments because it was so painful for me?

But what was so painful? And, why am I like this?

I feel like I am in a constant hole. And it’s hard telling anyone this without them feeling so bad for me. It’s hard burdening people with myself because I don’t want them to feel sad or pity me.

Getting close to new people in my life is always risky. It’s not the fact that what if someday, they will just be gone from my life. But rather, the things I go through, and how I still manage to seem okay about it. It hurts to see my friends feel pity towards me. That’s why I don’t try to open up to them that much.

Recently I did quit my job. That day. I was off. I woke up, knowing what day it was. The 1 year anniversary of my gma’s death. I woke up to missed phone calls and messages because I got ready to go to work to help out. I felt sad on the way there. Because I knew I wasn’t happy with this job. I knew that if my family really knew how unhappy I was, they would be so heartbroken.

So I called my Aunt back while I was walking into work. And I could hardly speak. I felt like crying so bad. I knew if I spoke more then I would cry. Tears already were falling down my face from hearing my Aunt on the phone. I walked into work though and went to freshen up my face in the restroom.

I quit that day. I cried in the office because of what we’ve been through and all the tears just piled up from that day. I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t live my life like that anymore.

That night my two close friends wanted to hang out since I just quit but they didn’t know everything going on with my life. Mainly because I just hate telling people what’s going on with me. I hate being selfish.

But it felt so nice. Laughing a lot. Hanging around. It felt so good. And I felt happy. I did ditch my family to hang with them. But I was never into hanging with my family. I always felt odd, or I was just always on my phone. I felt disconnected. And I always felt like that.

But my friends didn’t know about it. I posted it on my social media, and I told Chanthai that I was sad. But it’s not something I even wanted to talk about.

And I feel like my close friends know I hide a lot. But I just want to focus on the happy times. I love deep conversations but I don’t want to share myself anymore. I’m scared to.

The other day I hung out with them again and we actually started talking about our families. I only answered the questions and not really butted in to say how my family is. Because i don’t like to do that. I don’t like taking the attention away and putting it to myself. I’m just that type of person now.

But yeah, i told them about my gma. And then tina asked me about who attended my graduation and it kind of made me sad thinking about it. She asked who attended my graduation and I thought about how hard it was to gather everyone for it.

The only reason I went to school and finished was because I wanted my family to feel proud of me. After that one time in high school where I skipped a lot and was depressed, I didn’t want them to worry. So i pushed through. I wanted everyone to be there when I walked. Only 2 of my family members did end up showing up, which was my brother and my viet gma. It was pretty sad. My best friend and some other friends showed up though, which made me happy. Out of everyone in my family, i was the first to graduate an university and I really wanted them to be proud. I wanted to be a good daughter who took the right path in life.

But I just didn’t feel like no one was proud of me. Well in my family. They didn’t know what I went through. No one constantly told me they loved me or throughout the whole 6 years, that I shouldn’t give up. I learned on my own. To not give up. To push for something so bad, and the reason for it being a complete disappointment. Graduating app really meant a lot to me. I met so many amazing people that made me into a better person. So I am glad I pushed through.

I am back from Korea, obviously. I have been back since March. Korea was an adventure. I truly miss is. Towards the end, I was drowning though lol because I didn’t have that much money to begin with. 

I don’t have a career, but I am working part time/full time as a server again. It is good money, but I really want a job and to have some advancements in my career .. but who knows if I will honestly. I have no more skills lol ...

There’s no one special in my life, and it will probably be like that for a while because no one wants me lmao. I tried to meet guys on dating apps and stuff, but it just didn’t work out. I am too picky, and my heart is not okay right now. So I think I should still take time to heal instead of trying to find someone. I am lonely, but I am not desperate enough to choose something that doesn’t seem right for me. And let me tell you, I am so lonely. It hurts so much. I really do want someone so bad. It’s just .. hard. Sometimes I can just read people and tell that it won’t work out. Or I am just tired of trying. I want to be in love again. But it is difficult at this age, and when I don’t have a means to meet people besides work.

So that gets me to the cool people that i met at work. They have become great friends to me for real. And this time, I am not leaving to another country! But, the people that were in my life before, I just feel like there’s no connection anymore. I get annoyed sometimes because of them. So i don’t know what to do. 

Life will go on though. I hope it gets better. I am tired, of feeling sad and tired. This wasn’t much of an update, but atleast I typed something.

Hung out with Bethany. Really didn’t want to. It was exhausting. Uh, I am so fake.

Got my transcript, and passed all of my classes. I’m done with undergrad? Finally.