C O S M I C

They didn’t know what they had been expecting. New buildings having cropped up where old ones once stood? They hadn’t been gone that long, right? They didn’t know the date, but it couldn’t have been too long. A year, maybe? Two? Time goes slow when you’re sitting in a cell. But now…one crash landing later and they were finally here: Earth. It looked familiar enough to know that their coordinates had been locked in until the very end, but unfamiliar enough that they weren’t exactly sure where they were.

And so they stood, squinting up at the tall buildings and looking around for any sign of where they were. People pushed past, giving them odd looks that caused Xavin’s lip to curl defensively. True, they probably looked terribly, matted hair and cheeks stained with blood ( where were they bleeding? ), but that didn’t give them an excuse to judge them. They had just left prison, after all.

tw for distressing themes , depressive tendencies , harsh language , ect .

‘he went to an all-boys boarding school. i assume.’

‘he’s duller than the pain i feel in my left testicle.’

‘are you good at the numbers?’

‘when i was younger i had a real good sense of maths and english, and then the internet was invented and i got a bit distracted.’

‘i have no skills when it comes to adding or words.’

‘it sort of came across a bit like i was your dad.’

‘i’m wearing odd socks. i’m not, but imagine the gasps if i said it.’

‘i don’t want to surprise people.’

‘you want a tedious man in a cardigan to winge until you leave and feel better about the life you left behind when you came in.’

‘there are rumours that you collect things.’

‘have you been in my house?’

‘i used to collect stuff, but i’m actually the opposite now.’

‘i think people call it ‘un-cluttering’. the council call it fly-tipping.’

‘i got rid of all the chairs and tables in our house.’

‘if they don’t want it to be stolen, they shouldn’t make it so easy to take off.’

‘we’ve got chemistry, i think.’

‘we both like drinking and fighting.’

‘men go into sheds and masturbate quietly on their own.’

‘people who only regret the things they didn’t do have never called their partner a c— ’

‘there are actually fewer fish in the sea than you think.’

‘that’s actually a message about the fleeting nature of love, which is why i’ve used the condoms for this piece,’

‘it’s incredible, the things you find on the beach.’

‘it hasn’t moved, so i assume it’s for sale.’

‘i’m a massive crocheter.’

‘i’m learning a valuable skill.’

‘he’s not long out of prison.’

‘when do you next plan on having a shit?’

‘oh, sometimes i’ve shat before i’ve even eaten it.’

‘i’ve come up with a system of vouchers for different things.’

‘this may come as a bit of a shock to you, but i’m doing jokes.’

‘what’s the first thing you do in the mornings?’

‘it came out wrong. very wrong.’

‘that’s not what we rehearsed.’

‘it wasn’t easy, but i found three ways.’

‘that’s just saying other numbers.’

‘i made you a cocktail with bacon in it.’

‘it’s disappointing when you think something’s going to be big and then it’s small, isn’t it?’

‘i’m gonna go with ‘spite’.’

‘i’m not sure that’s a word. it’s more of a feeling.’

‘will you please consider having some salad?’

‘your plumber called me in tears the other day.’

‘i’d like to present one of the short lectures i do at the royal history society,’

‘henry the eighth was capable of flight.’

‘ace holes, put a bow in it.’

‘if you could look slightly more tense and not be giggling…’

‘i mean, how much do you want that cheese?’

‘to be honest, i’m still trembling from that going off.’

‘what i really want to do now is get in the airing cupboard.’

‘who needs true love when you have crochet?’

‘don’t try that at home, kids.’

‘we’ve found a hole in the matrix.’

[ominously] ‘smeared.’

‘what was that that you smeared all over the sofa?’

‘never clean beef grease with confetti.’