Blueprints.

I was afraid of settling down, you weren’t. I was afraid of hurting you by letting go, you werent. I was afraid of the responsibility of having kids, you weren’t. I was afraid of marriage, you weren’t. I was afraid for you to see my my ugliest and darkest sides, you weren’t. I was afraid to show you who I really was, you weren’t. I was afraid of promises and forever, you weren’t. I was afraid that we wouldn’t make it, you weren’t. I was afraid of opening up and fully giving you my heart, you weren’t.

I wasn’t ready, but you were.

Then, when I was finally ready for all of these things...

Your words, so uplifting, so soothing, so charming.

They encourage me, like winning a battle in a longstanding war.

They comfort me, like the warmth of a fire on a cold night.

They draw me in, like a moth to the familiar glow of lamp.

I’m on the Fourth Degree.

Or

Third?

I don’t really know.

I’m also sorry for spilling to your dad. I genuinely was looking out for you guys. You don’t have to lie for your happiness. And you don’t have to lie to your parents. They love you so much. But maybe you weren’t ready for that to come out. So for that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking that was what’s best for you. TBH, i don’t know what’s best for you. So maybe I wasn’t In the right place to say those things.

I’m sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I am.

I’m not you and I can’t assume.

I’ll love you from afar and I wish you great things in life.

With love always,

For a long time, I didn’t see myself wanting those things. I’m thinking it’s because I was so young. But now that I’m older, I want those things.

I don’t know what to to think or feel anymore. I feel like I’m so old in which all the good ones are taken. But I feel like I’m still young enough to start over.

I feel myself missing what I had. But really, if we did get married, who’s to say that he would’ve respected the sacredness of marriage. I doubt that using the excuse that we were both technically single is usable in this case. I mean, six years is a long time. Would marriage made him stick to his promise?

I don’t know.

I know I wasn’t sure at one point too. But last year, I realized that the thought of losing him scared me so much that I needed to shape up. Yes, it was the fear of starting over and losing someone important to me.But really, what scared me the most was losing him, specifically him.

What I regret the most is taking you for granted. I realize now that I did. I took you for granted and didn’t realize your way of communicating your discontent with the relationship. I will always carry that guilt with me.

We both messed up. I took you for granted; you told me; I changed; you hurt me; I changed back to how I used to be; I hurt you; you didn’t tell me; I continued to disrespect and treat you badly; you cheated; I lashed out instead of approach you with love and understanding; we hurt each other.

I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’m so sorry. And I can’t tell you. You don’t want to hear from me. I’m too ashamed and scared to face you. And deep down inside, i know the only way to show you my last ounce of love and how sorry I am is to let go. It’s to allow you to fall in love with someone better for you...it’s to allow myself to love again...myself, my friends, my family, and whoever God has lined up for me.

I pray for you every day. I pray that you find the happiness and love that I couldn’t provide you with. Deep down, I know this isn’t you. You’re a good person, I will always believe that. I hope you think of me in that way too.

I will always have love for you, Vener. You’re my very best friend. I will always be thankful for you. You showed me love when no one else did...not even myself. You taught me how to be treated by a loving man and what I want in a relationship. But now, you’re teaching me your final lesson...to let go. My only choice is to let go.

The stuffed animals and clothes are put in bags and are in my trunk. I’m procrastinating...finding excuses to not donate them.

The painting...it’s still in my room. I’m thinking of trashing it. I mean you left yours in the living room, collecting dust, not even worthy of being in your room.

Why doesn’t this hurt or affect you like it does to me? Did you really not love me the way I thought? Did I really love you more than you did with me?

I find myself missing you. I shouldn’t. It’s not as much as I used to miss you, because I need to detach slowly. But it hurts and it sucks.

I’m trying to move towards forgiveness, which is accepting that maybe this is who you really are and that you really hurt me this badly.

I’m scared of what the future holds and moving on without you there. I guess you’ve always been my crutch.

I’ll miss you so much. You don’t even know. I pray for you everyday. Whether you did get kulam or this is who you are now, I think prayers are helpful. It gives me peace knowing God is watching out for you and wants the best for the both of us.

I’ll forgive you one day. I know it. You have John to thank for that. He convinced me that forgiveness is the only way to go, even if he did call you a fucker.

I always imagined telling John one day that you make me happy and that I’d be ok because everything I went through with him led me to you. It wasn’t like that. He sounded sad and concerned.

I really wished it was you. I really wished it was us. My heart couldn’t take anymore. It didn’t want to look anymore. At first, I thought it was because I settled and was just content. I later realized that I was happy and actively chose you.

You’ll be different, because not everyone’s the same. But you’ll have remnants of him. And those aren’t bad things. Those are just things I look for in a man.

I promise when you come my way, I’ll be more patient and slower with responding, so that I can let my mind and heart come up with words that only mean to build and repair...not words that mean to inflict pain, shield me from my feelings feelings, or unleash anger.

I’ll be more upfront with what I want. And I won’t let stupid little things distract me from the real problems we have at hand.

I hope you’re strong enough to tell me what’s wrong. I hope that if there’s something bothering you about me...about us... you’ll tell me. I hope that you don’t let it build up resentment towards me or us. I know I have flaws, most of which stem from my inability to handle anger, frustration, and stress well. Please let me know when I get too challenging. I promise that I want to make things happy for you. So if my attitude causes you problems, then I need to check myself.

I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m hoping that with being with one another, we can continue to help each other be better people.