Only in the Right Dosage

Nathan nodded, even daring to meet Ulysses’ eyes. What a joke that was, if you need me; there was nothing Nathan needed more. The two of them could put the world to rights, he knew.

“You too,” he echoed.

He stole a second in which to steel himself for stepping outside again, and then he turned and forced himself to leave.

Ulysses couldn’t shut the flat door for a solid minute, wanting to extend the time past what it actually could be. Cas kicked him in the side and blew a raspberry almost directly into his mouth, and at that point, Ulysses had to agree with him.

They could wait.

Nathan breathed in something that felt dangerously like hope. It was strange to realise that, in amongst everything that had happened, he’d forgotten that none of it meant Ulysses would stop knowing him inside and out, better than anyone. He knew him still, knew exactly what he needed, and that what he needed was more often than not nothing more or less than more time.

“Thank you,” he said, voice softer still. Nathan leaned forward and kissed Cas’s head before stepping back toward the door.  “And… you… take care.”

For a deadly second, Ulysses expected a kiss as well, but he let it go with a quiet exhale. Not today, but maybe someday. Not this morning, but maybe another sunlit morning with Cas giggling and waving his little fists.

Nathan swallowed, his expression growing pained for a second before he could smooth everything out. He couldn’t say yes. He wanted to say yes. More than anything, he wanted to say yes. But he didn’t yet know how everything was going to go from here. He could go back to the shop and work out how to escape his work and still earn enough to live on and realise he had the courage to tell Ulysses the truth, about everything, and to see where they stood then. He knew that it was much more likely that he would go back to the shop, spend the rest of the day trying not to cry, fail to get out of bed in the morning, and realise there was no way anything could work out now. In that case, it would be best to really let this be the end. It would only get harder, seeing Ulysses and getting to know Cas, only to have to draw himself out of it all again. He couldn’t bear to leave twice. He wouldn’t survive that.

But he looked up at Ulysses and Cas and loved them so fiercely it hurt to breathe for a split second.

“Ulysses,” he said, voice soft and small but honest, because his name was the easiest thing to say, a way of slipping more simply into any speech that had to follow. “I-I don’t know yet if I-I can.”

Because he watched Nathan so closely at all times, and because he couldn’t miss that little flinch, Ulysses didn’t crumble to dust when Nathan gave that answer. It was a good answer, an honest answer, a logical answer. He didn’t feel any anger, and he prepared himself for the devastation.

He nodded and flashed a quick smile, and it felt real even to him.

Nathan couldn’t help smiling back at him, at the two of them. He nodded, patting his satchel, and wondered suddenly if he should offer to give Ulysses his key. No, he decided just as quickly; Ulysses had been just as hurt by the suggestion of packing up his things, and that would be too final, too soon. Things could wait. Everything could wait.

“Thank you,” he said instead, retrieving his jacket from where he’d folded it over the arm of the sofa. What else was there to say? See you soon? Goodbye?

Before either of them could say anything, Cas made a loud, unambiguously joyful baby noise, wriggling in Ulysses’ arms just for the kinaesthetic joy of it. Ulysses laughed and looked down at him, snugging his arm around him a little more tightly as he walked over to Nathan.

Nathan moved silently through the flat, just as aware of everything that was exactly as he’d left it. There’d been time, plenty of time, between Nathan leaving and Cas arriving, for Ulysses to have… done something. Boxed up or thrown out or hidden away. But then, there’d been plenty of time for Nathan to have done something too. He swallowed and perched on the edge of the bed with a soft exhale. There were so many things now that he’d never be able to forgive himself for, and hurting Ulysses like this was one of them, regardless of everything else. He’d still loved him. He still loved him.

And there were so many excuses in this room. His reading glasses, a particular shirt, a pair of shoes. How many times could he come back?

Maybe it would be better to just pack it all up and be done with it all. Nathan didn’t know anymore if the scarier option was giving up or giving in.

He couldn’t think it through now. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, pinching his fingertips and thumb over his eyes, then got to his feet and began to dress. He found an old satchel of his tucked at the bag of the wardrobe behind his shoes to carry his pyjamas and the packed up lemon bars home in. He smoothed out the bed covers where his body had made a dent in them when he’d sat down. He stood at the crib and ran his fingertips along one of the sides. It was going to be harder to leave now than it had been before, he realised, and now there was nothing left to do but leave.

He headed back to Ulysses and Cas via the kitchen to collect the pastries. He couldn’t decide if it was easier to believe he would see them again soon or to tell himself to forget about it and face up to his lonely life back at the shop.

“Do you think he’s the hungriest one, Cas, or do you think he’s just the fastest, huh?” Ulysses was asking his son, whose entire attention was on the tank and the bright fish swimming toward their breakfasts. Nathan had been silent in the bedroom, and Ulysses knew that he shouldn’t have listened as hard as he had those first few minutes. It was better to get lost in the new rituals he had with Cas, in sharing the things in life he loved that were not Nathan with Cas.

He looked over when he heard Nathan’s step in the doorway, and he smiled to see him dressed. Dressed in his clothes...with only a small satchel at his side, rather than a big box that he’d packed up and been ready to take.

The same idea had occurred to Nathan as he watched Ulysses pack up the little glass container. That was good, he decided; it meant he couldn’t talk himself out of seeing Ulysses again once he’d worked out what he was going to do to fix all this. It was a solid and genuine reason to return.

And if he couldn’t work it out? Then Alice would bring it back.

Nathan swallowed. Both options were difficult to think about. He was as equally afraid of both.

“D’you m-mind if I-I…?” he asked, nodding towards the bedroom. He could do with a shower too, really, but a change into proper clothes would do. He couldn’t face opening the shop this morning anyway. He could shower and sleep for a few hours maybe, once he was back, before he decided how the rest of the way would have to go.

Ulysses actually looked surprised as he took Cas back from Nathan. He couldn’t understand why he was asking for permission, then remembered again that Nathan didn’t live here. They kept slipping into old comforts and familiarities, and reminders that that wasn’t their life were more jarring because of it. He refused to accept them, even as he knew that were reality. 

“Oh, yeah, I mean, no, I don’t mind at all. Bedroom’s sort of a mess, sorry...I swear keeping the flat tidier is the next parental trick I’ll learn.” He smiled over Cas’ babbling, not even bothered when his son reached for his necklace; it had become second nature to gently uncurl grasping baby fingers. 

It was only as he watched Nathan walk toward the bedroom that he realized that, while it would be messy, the bedroom would be largely the way it had been before Nathan had left. There was the addition of the crib and other baby things, but all of Nathan’s clothes were still hanging in the closet, his socks were in the drawer, his books were still by the bed. His glasses, neatly folded, were still sitting on the top book.

Nathan’s heart melted. This was it. He knew now, without a shadow of a doubt, that this was what he wanted, this life with Ulysses and his son, the two people he loved more than anything else in the world. He’d go back to the shop and he’d figure everything out.

It even felt natural to hold Cas now. He’d fast gotten used to having to adjust his weight each time the baby wriggled or shifted, and he wasn’t worried about dropping him anymore. He smiled at the little boy as he grabbed hold of his t-shirt, bunching it up in his fists.

“Oh, I know,” he said quietly. “Don’t you worry, I won’t go out in nowt but my pyjamas again. I’ll get dressed first.”

Ulysses smiled and shrugged, turning that cheeky smile on Nathan before turning away to get not one of his brown paper boxes that he used to gift food to people he didn’t see often but one of the glass leftover containers he used for close friends. 

Nathan wondered briefly if he could still believe that now, knowing what Ulysses had done. What Ulysses did. It didn’t bear thinking about. He was working on it. He would figure something out. For this little boy between them if not for them alone.

“Well…” he said hesitantly. “You know where I-I am. If you can’t get hold of Alice.” He took a quick breath and gently eased his finger from Cas’s grasp. The back of his hand tingled from Ulysses’ touch. “I-I should…”

“Oh...yeah. Yeah, your customers are all going to be queuing up outside the door. You’re such an early riser usually.” Ulysses smiled and offered Cas to Nathan. “Could you hold him just a sec while I box up your lemon bars? I know you want to argue again, but in a few hours, you know you’ll have a hankering for one.” 

Around the time he’d realised he wasn’t ever going to settle down with a nice girl and start a family, like his mother always advised him to, Nathan had decided that he shouldn’t have kids. Not that he didn’t want them, just that there was something that felt right about him being the end of the line, capable of putting a stop to all the harm caused by fathers and sons in his family. He was a son without parents, a brother without a sibling. He woke up and went to sleep with the knowledge of how badly he wanted a father and how little he knew about how to be one. So, he would finally ensure that was all left behind.

And then he’d met Ulysses.

“You’re going to be the best dad in the world,” Nathan said softly, risking a glance at Ulysses before turning his gaze quickly back to Cas. “I’ve always believed that.”

Ulysses’ smile was grateful and beaming when he looked at Nathan. He wanted to believe that, and knowing that Nathan did, and had, made it a little bit easier to believe it himself. 

He reached over to touch the back of Cas’ hand with a finger, then dared to let that finger slide to the back of Nathan’s hand as well. Just for a moment.

Nathan smiled at Cas, though his expression was as much because of Ulysses. “I-I like the dinosaurs,” he said, gesturing to the onesie Cas was wearing now with his free hand.