twntysomething

I have been thinking about myself concept, and how I am perceived by others as I typically do quite often and I’ve been thinking about how how I’m portraying myself to old friendships and to all acquaintances I have been told that I’m polarizing every room that I walk into and I make people feel comfortable to beat themselves around me all of which happened to me when I’m when I’m in state or I’m manic But when I’m depressed it’s the exact opposite. I suck the energy out of the room because it’s such a change from being happy and I feel like people get frustrated with that change and he would get frustrated with the fact that I can’t just snap out of it and they exhaust themselves by trying to cheer me up and it’s not that I don’t wanna be cheered up. My brain will not let me and I understand I get so frustrated and I get frustrated thinking back on how This to happen and I get frustrated with the fact that I make other people frustrated whenever my mind decides in a low low or I’m up about something that’s just what it is there’s almost no bargaining on it. I can speak to myself about it and tell myself that it’s a little and not a big deal but my brain is well, just kind of numb or neutral where I just don’t feel anything at all about this. I want to be emotional. I wanna cry, but I can’t. I want to get emotional because this is my life and I don’t wanna keep having the year bipolar conversation to myself, but this is my life and I am bipolar and this is exactly how it’s going to be. I’m also thinking about like what is genuinely going to make me happy in life. You know what I mean whenever my manic I can see myself, big wife having a husband having my three kids and us traveling the world and being happy, but whenever I’m depressed, I understand that if my children came home to a mom who can barely get herself off the couch that affect them if my husband came home his big grand meal I can’t even really cook to be honest unless you want high protein, black beans slop anyways Imagining how that life imagining how that perfect light looks and the eyes of depression. It won’t make me happy whenever I’m depressed. Only that will make me happy. Is things being done for me as well as it has I just want to breathe back into me again, which is probably why I like being high and drinking as much as I did, but I also enjoy being sober a little bit more because I’m I’m significantly more levelheaded and I know what the fuck I’m talking about, so much like fuck you you know what I mean it is very frustrating living this life, but I am almost at a point where it’s like yeah I think about it and I weigh my options on like do I allow myself to be upset at this my lap or do I allow myself to be upset the other how to do with my life and I think I want to choose my life over there at this point, and I mean this might be the loneliest option to take this might be the worst road to walk down, but I’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life which I don’t wanna be if it means putting myself first andgoing on the rabbit hole of my own mind and only by myself and only minding mine what I’ll do I’m not excited about it at all

As of recently, I opened up to my family about what happened to me with my last relationship. I feel like I kind of over exaggerated. He was very pushy about sexual aspects as well as he was emotionally unavailable, and I didn’t feel like I was ever needed or cared for I feel like, I told my sisters this and when I said it, I told one of them that they run their mouth which I understand the wording of it was upsetting to her and if she wanted to talk about what we could talk about it, however she got really pushy defensive and in her words said that She stopped listening. She completely disregarded how I felt that situation and it was very it was very vulnerable for me and it was really uncomfortable to open up about that because I’m such a hate men. I have my shit together type of woman so open up and be like yeah I was in a relationship with somebody who treated me like shit, I want everyone to be there for me like fuck him. We’re here to it was all about her. It was very upsetting. I slipped up a couple days ago and I told my other sister that I want her to die. I don’t think I want her to die, but I want her to feel the pain to feel the pain up once again now I’m being ignored by someone once again I’ve feel like everything is divided again. No one is listening to me once again. Somebody has pissed me off with no consequences so yeah I not only an Etsy but which and not just for her for him as well, they are going to get their due diligence that means I don’t know however they’re gonna feel how I feel the outcome of this. I want them to never speak to each other again I want them to both feel so empty and so alone that they have no other choice, but to kill themselves, I want them to be hit by cars. I want them to break their leaves. Have nowhere to go have no friends, I want fingers broken bones. I want them to look in the mirror and what they see and I want them to think whenever they sleep. I want them to wake up in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare about me and in their dreams, I’m telling them I will never forgive you and I hate you and as for my ex, I want him to think about me and and day out so much so where he he comes crawling back to me just so I can reject him Over and over and over again I wanna hear him say oh I’m so sorry I need you. It’s only gonna be you. I can’t even get my dick up. That’s what I wanna hear. I’m gonna do myself. There will never be any more people to treat me the way they treat me without repercussion And it’ll be somebody else. I’m going to get everything I want. I’m going to have everything I want and I want everyone else to have nothing for like crush. I have a crush on someone like a spell. I don’t have his last name, but it’s like I don’t wanna be with somebody who is slow to respond to me Because we talk so often I think I get obsessed but I think I’m gonna do it to be honest but like when it comes to mess up so often a couple days ago I made out with somebody now he thinks I want him. I don’t want him, but wants to make out with youabout him

My entire life I’ve been hated. there wasn’t anything that I could say or do,or behaviors that I could exhibit that would warrant a positive reaction to me. I always been a freak or too much or too little. I have never been just me. I have always had to try to be liked, it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’m almost 25 and I still don’t feel like people like me. People tell me they like me and show me they like me, but I know what to do with that. It doesn’t feel believable. I’ll never be able to love properly because of how badly I was bullied and made to feel like it was nothing, I don’t have anyone to go to(besides my therapist). I feel like my trauma is all I am.

I’m low key suuuuuuch a bitch. And psychotic. And corny. And kinda stupid. I wonder if I think these things because people made me, but it all JAS to be true. Because I feel it so deeply. I don’t know to exist right .it’s always wrong

When my mother passed, I basedbhow I felt on her through stories on how great she was and how much she loved me. Now that I’m older I have built my own opinion on her, and it’s quite the opposite. I was raised to see the best in her and I have reason to believe I’m the way I am. I have a really difficult time understanding that people can have negative intentions and can choose to hurt me. And when I do get hurt, people around me tell me it could have been easily avoided. I just didn’t see the “obvious” signs. I’ve always wanted to be in love and have a relationship but I allow myself to get walked over and stepped on because of lack of boundaries

I don’t want to have to continue to love myself for the rest of my life. It makes me feel lonely. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved by someone else. That’s it. But people leave, or I feel judged and left out, or I’m used for entertainment. I’m sick of being told I have to put myself first because I DO. CONSTANTLY. I spend so much time alone just to love myself and I don’t want to anymore. Everyone around me has their perfect expectation of what love is but not me. I can’t even get a guy to enjoy me without asking for nudes. I’m nothing to people.

It’s truly embarrassing how bad I want to have sex. Like BAD. I want to be fingered in the craziest ways and given the most precise and SLOPPIEST head of my life and I want to SQQUIIIIRRTTT. Only a little penetration because it doesn’t do that much for me but GOLLYYY I need to hump someone

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been so stuck in my head. I’m so far deep into my maladaptive daydreaming that when I notice I’m in then I don’t even stop myself. I want to exist in the real world but when I listen to music or get the smallest amount of alone time I’m back into a different world. I’m a kpop singer that’s male centered and well liked for my personality in them and it’s SO CORNY. Liker girl you are not about to perform Gnarly at the Oscar’s. And uts pissing me off knowing that I don’t even enjoy doing it but I can’t stop. I started daydreaming once I checked my back account about two weeks ago so I subconsciously don’t feel safe in my reality but why would scoups falling in love with me make me feel ok with having 300 in my bank account. Like booooo. I’ve also been binging on food and completely messed up my 75 hard and I hate feeling like a failure so that could add to it. I just want to get back on track and I hate the process of it.

I woke up feeling good but as the day goes forward I’m getting more and more annoyed. I posted a TikTok video last night and my views are already pretty low but with videos that I feel like that’s showcase my personality, always gets low likes. My back is absolutely killing me. The last time this injury happened it lasted maybe a week but this time I’m worried about how long it’s going to last. And my crystal bracelet is loose and for some reason I’m worry about that.

This is my last time being able to eat out somewhere local normally without being noticed. I’m now a content creator/ celebrity/ very well known person. People know who I am worldwide. Not Micheal Jackson status but enough where People stop me for pictures. I chose this life and I love it. One day I’ll miss this. But I’m happy with where I am

I was fired from my last job due to unprofessional behavior, which is fine because I’m not professional. It was very sudden though, I didn’t get the chance to do goodbyes and process how my life would change. I think I’m JUST now processing is or something is happening in the planets, because I can’t stop thinking about those kids. They were some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, I hated the work drama but just being with them made sense. Yea we beefed but kids being bad adds to their personality.i miss them so much, it feels unfair knowing that I work get to see them again. I truly loved them, even though I had bad ways of showing it. I see and hear them in everything, it hurts now but eventually I will get used to it.

I remember I made a post a while ago about how my mother passing away left me, but it’s come to my attention that’s there’s more. Since she’s DEAD and everyone who knew her said such kind things about her, I gave her a pass. I said that she tried her best to take care of us, she had four children so it must have been hard. But she’s stupid. She had four children (only one with a reasonable man) went to jail over my dad (my whole family hates that man, so why did she keep trying to give him the time of day) and dated an abuser (who abused US as well). I’m pretty sure the universe killed her off because if she has a choice, she would choose the abuser. And on top of that, I can’t tell at her. That bitch went and died and left me (and her other children) to suffer the consequences of HER actions. And the worst part is I can’t tell ANYONE that I want because my family will hate me!!!