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I want someone to destroy me completely psychologically. But what does that even mean? What is my mind and my heart getting at? What would ‘getting destroyed’ psychologically even mean? 

And a part of me hopes to see myself not get destroyed but remain utterly detached and unaffected while someone tries to actively destroy me.

Is this the death drive that Freud talked about?

I also want to do terrible things to someone who wants it. And I want terrible things done to me psychologically. It’ll be a fun game.

While looking at the vast white sky, I realised that I don’t need a person to experience the destruction that my heart is craving. I can start by letting go of my mind’s favourite crutch: dopamine. 

Oh, the agony that the mind would feel. So scrumptious.

Under the moonlight, I thought about it, gain. What is it that my soul was craving from destruction? 

Annihilation of the self-focused mind. I don’t want to bother with my mind’s wishes anymore. I don’t want to live a life just by the whims and fancies and tantrums of the mind anymore. I want to reach a point where I don’t care about what I  want. How others perceive me, how I want others to perceive me, anything. Utter destruction. 

I want my identity to be completely lost in front of the person that I want (as my final wish) to completely destroy me. What I want to do, eat, act, nothing matters. What matter is only how the person I want to be destroyed by wants me to do, act, be.

Complete dissolution of identity. Complete freedom from the trillion pull of the strings of desires. Only one remains. Destruction at their hand while I smile so brightly at my own ruin. And in the end, so utterly lost in the bliss of freedom from myself that I don’t even notice that I don’t exist anymore. I am one with the person I loved. I am one with my destroyer.