Chasing Infinity

when she was 7, a boy pushed her on the playground she fell headfirst into the dirt and came up with a mouthful of gravel and lines of blood chasing each other down her legs when she told her teacher what happened, she laughed and said ‘boys will be boys honey don’t let it bother you he probably just thinks you’re cute’ but the thing is, when you tell a little girl who has rocks in her teeth and scabs on her knees that hurt and attention are the same you teach her that boys show their affection through aggression and she grows into a young woman who constantly mistakes the two because no one ever taught her the difference 'boys will be boys’ turns into 'that’s how he shows his love’ and bruises start to feel like the imprint of lips she goes to school with a busted mouth in high school and says she was hit with a basketball instead of his fist the one adult she tells scolds her 'you know he loses his temper easily why the hell did you have to provoke him?’ so she shrinks folds into herself, flinches every time a man raises his voice by the time she’s 16 she’s learned her job well be quiet, be soft, be easy don’t give him a reason but for all her efforts, he still finds one 'boys will be boys’ rings in her head 'boys will be boys he doesn’t mean it he can’t help it’ she’s 7 years old on the playground again with a mouth full of rocks and blood that tastes like copper love because boys will be boys baby don’t you know that’s just how he shows he cares she’s 18 now and they’re drunk in the split second it takes for her words to enter his ears they’re ruined like a glass heirloom being dropped between the hands of generations she meant them to open his arms but they curl his fists and suddenly his hands are on her and her head hits the wall and all of the goddamn words in the world couldn’t save them in this moment she touches the bruise the next day boys will be boys aggression, affection, violence, love how does she separate them when she learned so early that they’re inextricably bound, tangled in a constant tug-of-war she draws tally marks on her walls ratios of kisses to bruises one entire side of her bedroom turns purple, one entire side of her body boys will be boys will be boys will be boys when she’s 20, a boy touches her hips and she jumps he asks her who the hell taught her to be scared like that and she wants to laugh doesn’t he know that boys will be boys? it took her 13 years to unlearn that lesson from the playground so I guess what I’m trying to say is i will talk until my voice is hoarse so that my little sister understands that aggression and affection are two entirely separate things baby they exist in difference universes my niece can’t even speak yet but I think I’ll start with her now don’t ever accept the excuse that boys will be boys don’t ever let him put his hands on you like that if you see hate blazing in his eyes don’t you ever confuse it with love baby love won’t hurt when it comes you won’t have to hide it under long sleeves during the summer and the only reason he should ever reach out his hand is to hold yours

From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that’s it, that’s all I’m interested in.

I am kissing your hands and learning to speak again. You are setting a ladder against the side of your house and we climb it together. I am telling you how I was before and your lips are on my forehead. You are offering me a place to lay my head and it is the best thing I’ve ever been given. I am in awe of the wrapped-up, ribbon-on-top, just-in-time present of you. There is spun sugar between my teeth and glitter sticking to my fingers. There are balloons floating to the ceiling and when you stand on your tiptoes to reach them, I turn my face to the sky. There is so much light here.

Strangers are sifting through my memories online and I am letting them. Is a burden still a burden if someone help you carry it? What do you do with a heart this heavy? People are starting to stare in the streets and I just walk along blinking into the sunlight. Nobody said it would be this lonely. I’m falling asleep with pink smeared across my lips because no one is kissing them. I’m drinking cold coffee out of chipped mugs and muting the morning news. I’m staring at the hands of the man bagging my groceries, at the thick gold ring wrapping itself around his finger screaming to all the world that he’s worth it. that he’s found it. that he’s been found.

mama tells me that love lives up in the mountains. mama tells me how much I will have to bleed before I get there.she says there are trees that touch the stars with splintered hands.she says there are nights that screamuntil the throat of the sky is red.she says it’s a nightmare and a dream.she says it’s the personthat bruises and blooms in my mouth.and there is light there.and there is light there.and there is light there.and there are angels there.and there is thunder there.I find you and we go.we are so scared of thosemountainsbut we go.we climb into their armslike babies to their mothersand we are healedin the soft elbow of the valley.we kiss the vein of a streamand drink until we are no longer thirstyuntil we are pure and terrifyingand strong enough to stay.

You made me feel like fire without telling me you preferred rain.

He said to her, “who are you going to believe? The mirror, a photograph, or the eyes of the man who thinks you’re the most beautiful girl on the planet?