drown, v.:

Maybe it’s time I take my writing elsewhere, now that I’m no longer doing it as frequently, and now that my life is a little more pointless I seem to have too many words I try to shout into a void but still secretly want to talk to somebody.

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People talk about making sacrifices, and I know exactly what specific things I have to sacrifice if I want to wake up one morning as someone who is not always looking for a way for the money to be enough, for there to be food on my table and not worry about there is any back home--these sacrifices include medications, doctor’s visits, treatments, and of course, the very lifeline of my mother. No amount or lack thereof of money will ever be enough reason for me or my family to give up my mother, of course. I know it, my father knows it, my brother knows it. We’re all ready to live day-to-day in a slightly more difficult life just to have my mother around. 

My father is ready to work tirelessly to have just enough money to get by, never fully enjoying his salary, never fully enjoying a few hours of sleep. My brother has long since stopped trying to prove his worth to my grandfather, and has taken the sacrifice of looking like a fool who doesn’t want to go to school, in exchange for the truth that he stopped going so he could spend more time with our mother, and to lessen the financial burden for my father, especially since we still had an even younger sibling with a learning disability and special needs. I admit it is I who has given the smallest sacrifice--my sanity. 

I take a two-hour bus ride to the university every week and stay in an apartment and get up every morning to wonder whether everyone back home is safe and alive and well. It’s pathetic. On some days I’m crippled by the thought that something bad has happened, especially when my mother nor my father have not texted me for days. In class, I think about how my brother would have loved to give a speech about his favorite basketball player, or how my father would have loved to travel in a place rich with history. And then I go back to thinking about whether my mom took her medicine on time, or if my father even had enough to buy her more. My anxiety keeps me from working sometimes, and I shake as I sit and slowly crumble in disappointment at myself. I should be the strongest, I’m the eldest, after all. 

“AFRO” Paint Tool SAI x Wacom Intuos3 10JAN2017

This is a skin study I made for when I finally got to install Paint Tool SAI!

“SIREN” Photoshop x Wacom Intuos3 31DEC2016

This is a sample art print which I will be selling at #Elbikon2017!! I'm thinking I'll do a couple of these in this style (poem + poetry). Also watch out for zines, and if there's enough luck, merch like tote bags might (MIGHT) also become available for pre-orders. Registration for the aforementioned convention is until January 15, btw, so if there are any of you who also want to be exhibitors, just head on to @glgcomics for deets!!

“San Junipero” Photoshop x Wacom Intuos3 26DEC2016

I LIVE FOR YORKIE AND KELLY

“Holiday Sadness” Photoshop x Wacom Intuos3 24DEC2016

This is as festive as Sadness gets, I guess. At least she tries, right? She even wore Christmassy pizza socks!

Since I went back to Manila for the holidays, I’ve worked long hours on my pen tablet, long enough that the sun is up whenever I finish an artwork. I lie on my bed a couple of minutes and wait for sleep to settle in, but then the smell never fails to hit me: our neighbors, and I never find out if it’s my uncle’s family or my grandparents, always starts frying hot dog’s at around seven-thirty, just before I fall asleep.

The smell of breakfast from a household that’s not mine is one of my triggers now. I’ve come to realize that maybe this is why I was persistent in my resolve that I would grow into someone who wasn’t a morning person. Maybe this is why I unconsciously avoid breakfast time. Bacons, hotdogs, eggs, and fried rice...

“Baby Moana” Photoshop x Wacom Intuos3 14DEC2016

I watched Moana last Monday and fell in love with the soundtrack, the culture, the animation...everything!!! Now I sing How Far I’ll Go during my shower concerts.

“Emily” (Corpse Bride by Tim Burton) Photoshop x Wacom Intuos3 12DEC2016

Fun fact: Emily is my favorite cartoon/animated/stop-motion film character of all time! The story even affected me a lot personally because it was about keeping promises (!!!). It taught me that we should never joke about “promising” things to someone, because you’d never know just how long they’d be willing to wait once you gave them your word. 

“Lollipop” (Melanie Martinez) Photoshop x Wacom Intuos3 10DEC2016

*Note: the second photo is a revision for the hair and I also cleaned up some nooks and crannies