One more miracle

Aziraphale loves Crowley and because he is an angel who is stuck in seeing things as black and white, he constantly praises Crowley for being nice. For being good. For being kind.

Aziraphale has watched Crowley on and off for 6,000 years. He watched him thwart the plans of Heaven and Hell because it was unjust. He spared the lives of innocents. He did small things that made Aziraphale happy just because (like making Hamlet successful and saving valuable books). And because Aziraphale sees things in black and white, he sees all the things Crowley has done as nice, as good, as kind.

Crowley vehemently attests he’s not nice or good or kind.

He’s not exactly wrong nor is he lying when he says this. When Crowley spares goats during a cruel bet over a righteous man and swallowing laudanum to prevent a suicide, when he prevents Armageddon by working with Aziraphale and stopping the Anti-Christ from being the Anti-Christ, he’s not doing the nice/good/kind thing.

He’s doing the right thing.

Crowley chooses to do the right thing without hesitation. He is better than all of Heaven and Hell who have callous and dispassionate view of all existence because he questions, because he makes choices. Crowley sees the world for all its messiness and he sees himself. He sees a place where he fits in. He sees the blurred edges.

And Aziraphale sees that, even if seeing the blurred edges is hard for him.

But here’s the thing that Aziraphale can’t voice.

It’s the reason why he told Crowley about being allowed to return to Heaven and become an angel again. He doesn’t want Crowley to change. He doesn’t think Crowley is flawed. Or not enough.

It’s something that is so monumental that it cannot be put into words. Because to put it into words would be more than blasphemy. It’s down right unthinkable for anyone in Heaven, Hell, or Earth to say what Aziraphale knows deep in his soul.

God was wrong to cast out Crowley.

Aziraphale believes Crowley can/should return to Heaven because he knows that Crowley should never have fallen in the first place. He wants him to be forgiven because when Crowley fell it was unjust. Aziraphale is trying to correct a mistake. He’s trying to do the right thing.

Yes, Crowley would never accept returning to Heaven. And Aziraphale was wrong to even suggest it (although that conversation is another can of worms to unpack).

Aziraphale loves Crowley. He loves him exactly as he is. He doesn’t want him to change. Aziraphale knows that Crowley the best of all of them. He wants to change Heaven because of it. Because God was wrong and Aziraphale knows it.

Aziraphale may have difficulty seeing beyond black and white, but when it comes to Crowley he sees everything crystal clear and in vivid color.

“…Since the very first time I saw you, I knew you were the one. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with. The one who will make me smile, the one who will protect me, the one who I will cry to or about, the one who I will die for and the one who I will marry one day”

Ed was standing alone on the bow, looking at the sky, holding a glass of liquor, sipping once in a while. He was thinking about that speech, about the one. How does it even feel to find the one? Do you just somehow know it? Is Stede the one? Is he the one to Stede? That person was saying it so easily, like it’s something natural that they realized the first time they saw their partner. And don’t get him wrong, Ed loves Stede, so much, but this thought of being the one still haunts him for some reason. A part of it, of course, Stede leaving Ed. Yes, they talked about it, and Stede explained why he did it, how he felt, and how he left everything to find Ed again. But still, it happened once, and Ed was afraid it will happen again. Not that he didn’t trust Stede, but there’s always this fear in the back of his mind. Always thinking, what if Stede will find another person to be in love with, a better person. What if this whole relationship will fall apart and Ed will be left with a question: “Why did i even agree to that?”

Stede was looking around the deck, trying to find Ed, but he wasn’t in the crowd. He turned around and saw a lonely figure on the bow. He came closer and saw Ed, looking rather sad, leaning on banister of ship deck. Ed heard footsteps, turned to see who it was and gave Stede a little smile, but then turned back to the sea. “Are you okay?” Stede quietly asked, approaching Ed. He stroked his back and looked at him worriedly. “Why are you here alone?” “I’m okay, just don’t feel like partying right now,” He said calmly, still looking at the sea. Stede didn’t want to pressure Ed, but still asked. “Do you want to talk about it?” “Nah, just go have fun, don’t worry,” He answered, shaking his head.

Stede actually was looking for Ed because he wasn’t having fun. I mean, it was party-fun, but it’s more fun when Ed is around. Plus, if Ed feels anxious or sad, Stede would rather spend the night with him than partying with strangers.

Stede leaned on banister and looked down at the sea like Ed. Even though there was a party in the back, you could still hear the sound of the sea, waves hitting the ship. It was a nice beautiful moment of silence, just two of them standing there, sharing a glass of liquor. Then Stede looked at the land and realized something. “Wait. This is a town, where my family stayed a couple of times in the summer. There was a huge house of this wealthy man, who had big beautiful garden, which was bigger than the town itself, I think,” Stede was saying this while pointing into the distance, where small dots of light could be seen. “Let’s go there. Right now” Stede excitedly looked at Ed, ready to go to prepare the dighny like he knew Ed would totally agree to this idea. Ed looked at him with shock. “Right now? It’s dark now!” Stede eyes really lit up at this idea. “No, it’s even more beautiful at night. They light candles all over the garden and it’s very romantic! Let’s go, please. It’ll be fun, I promise”

Ed was kinda scared but also kinda excited? He’s always up for an adventure (especially if Stede says it’s romantic). And it’s not like there was much to do. “Okay, okay, let’s go,” He said and Stede began to smile with his captivating smile.

They started walking through the crowd, trying not to stick out, but Lucius noticed them. “Where are you two going?” He asked with a smirk. Stede stopped, while Ed went to the dinghy. “Umm, just get some fresh air,” Stede said as if it made sense. Lucius didn’t even ask for an explanation, Stede and Ed always act like they're teenagers in love and no one knows that they're in a relationship.

When they swam ashore, they were met by a dark endless forest. Ed was starting to worry, while Stede was overjoyed. He hasn’t been here since childhood, he was wondering whether everything remained as he remembered. He lit a candle in a lamp and went ahead. Ed was following him, constantly turning around, afraid that someone would attack them.

They walked for at least five minutes and Ed started to get really worried. It was complete darkness, they were both without guns or knives, walking on someone else’s property. “We’re almost there, don’t worry,” Said Stede, as if it helped. And then lights began to appear. Ed started to calm down a bit; well at least it’s nice to know that there were people somewhere here.

They walked and walked and walked, and then Stede stopped. He turned to Ed and excitedly asked: “Are you ready?” Ed shrugged, he truly didn’t know what to expect, and so much walking didn’t help at all. Stede walked closer to the gate, and even though the light from the lantern wasn’t bright, Ed still could see how big this gate is; it felt like they were entering a castle. While Stede was trying to remember how to open this gate, Ed was peeking through the gaps in the gate. Everything was green and there were really a lot of candles, as Stede said. Somehow Stede managed to open the gate a little and they sneaked inside. Stede freely went ahead remembering everything from his childhood. He was pointing at this and that to Ed, while Ed was processing everything he was seeing. There were big bushes, trees, flower beds, trellises, stumperies, paths, ponds, pergolas, sculptures everywhere, even a small bridge. And everything was big and rich, something you only see in pictures. And all this was illuminated by lamps with candles. Ed was thinking he end up in a fairy tale world, like he was dreaming. They were silently walking through this garden so as not to make noise, but Ed once in a while was whispering “Wow, look at that!” while pointing at everything he saw. And then they reached the house, this white giant mansion, with huge windows and a fountain in front of the entrance.

“What IS this place???” Ed asked, recovering from shock. Stede smiled, looking at Ed who had eyes as big as this house. “I know! How do people even live here?” Stede said agreeing with Ed.

Ed was looking around again, finally calming down a little, and then it hit him. Stede left all of this just… to be with him? To live on a dirty ship, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by terrible people… for what? He looked at Stede with the same astonishment and delight as he looked at the garden. Is this how the understanding that he found the one feels like? Or is he just amazed by this bizarre little man? Does he even deserve such a sacrifice by Stede?

“I still don’t get it. You had everything in your life: money, family, house, status and you still threw it all away… Why?!”  Ed asked while pointing on everything this beautiful garden has. “I mean... It looks beautiful on the outside, doesn’t it? But on the inside, it’s just… sad… and dull. These people are mean and hypocritical. I’ve never once in my life had a real friend in this society; they all just want something from you, something not real. You’ve met them; you know how cruel and ignorant they are. And I’ve always wanted a real life, you know, just living. And I could, with all this money, but something was always missing. I’ve never fit in here, so I left to find it. And I’m glad I did, otherwise I wouldn’t met my crew, my new family, would never try to live for myself…” Stede was saying this, while looking at this beautiful ideal house with big windows, where you can see family members in different rooms, living their little lives, doing their little tasks, until the last word, then he turned to Ed. “But most importantly I wouldn’t met you” Ed smiled with this relieved smile, but it quickly faded away. “And you don’t regret it? What if it was a mistake?” Stede started looking at the house again. “Of course I think about ‘what ifs’ but right now I’m glad I made it. And I’m going to appreciate it thoroughly, even if it ends at some point. You know... I’d be happy knowing at least I tried”

Stede turned to Ed again and give him a little smile. Ed smiled back, but something was still bothering him. He couldn’t understand how could someone leave this comfortable life to become a pirate and live on the verge of being stabbed to death every day… just for love? Did Stede really leave all of this just to be with him? But Ed’s thoughts got interrupted by Stede.

“Hell, you sacrificed your own life when you signed the act of grace. Why did you do it?”

Really, why did he do it? Was it even worth it? Looking back, to that day when Stede was almost shot, he was really scared that Stede could die. They built this relationship and Ed didn’t want it to end so quickly and so stupid. He wanted to continue to explore this new thing, this new person, this new life with these new feelings. He did it because he would rather work for the king than give up this opportunity to try something new in his life, something he never had before. Yes, Stede really hurt him, when he left, but still, this love, pain because of heartbreak, missing someone you really love, even this new level of anger, all these feelings were new to him. He truly never felt more alive when he was experiencing these emotions; some of them perhaps even for the first time in his life.

“Yeah… I guess I didn’t want to give up and, if i let you die, wake up every day thinking what if there was something and I lost it,” Ed looked down. Stede started to worry how this conversation started to make Ed feel sad. He took his hand, trying to cheer him up. He gently stroke Ed’s hand and started to ask: “Did something happen? Is something botheri–“

They both turned their heads to the right and saw a figure yelling at them “WHO ARE YOU?” They both looked at each other in horror. But then they started to smile because they knew what’s gonna happen next. Stede, while still holding Ed’s hand, started to run. He knew where the exit was and run towards it, FAST. Ed didn’t even follow where they were running, he only once turned to look at the person chasing them and yelling “STOP WHERE YOU ARE. NOW!” and waved a little goodbye to him.

They run deep into the forest for probably five minutes and then Stede stopped. They both were tired and out of breath. “We need to hide here for a while, because they are probably looking for us at the beach right now. Did you hide the dinghy?” Stede asked while bending over. “Yes, of course,” Ed said through his breath. In a few seconds he realized what just happened and started laughing. Stede looked at him, smiling, but not understanding why Ed was laughing. “W-what’s so funny?” Stede curiously asked. “I don’t know… Just haven't run away from guards since childhood, I think. This was fun! We should do it again” “Yeah, well, of only once in a year,” Stede still couldn't catch his breath and squatted down against a tree. Ed followed him.

They were sitting there shoulder to shoulder for a few minutes and Ed was trying to decide whether to tell Stede about his worries or not, trying to find the right words that wouldn’t scare Stede away.

“The thing that bothered me today…” Ed started saying and looked down, while Stede turned to him and started listening intently. “And I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m not enjoying it… But sometimes I think about how this all can end and i will regret it, and it kinda scares me” “What exactly can end?” Stede raised his eyebrows, trying to understand Ed’s thoughts. “You know… Our relationship, us. What if it ends and we were never meant for each other” “I don’t think you gonna regret. I mean, c’mon, you’re Blackbeard! You were cruising the sea, pirating, and I was just another rich boy, living in Barbados. And then something happened and somehow we met. Isn’t insane to think about? Just thinking how ridiculous it is, is already worth something,” They both chuckled at this and then Stede continued. “What I’m saying is, I was thinking about regret and fear too, but something tells me these strange circumstances are worthy exploring. One thing that our relationship has taught me is to appreciate things in the moment. Because it’s the only thing we know for sure,” Ed started smiling, because he liked the idea that this relationship taught someone something.

He took Stede’s hand and turned to him. “Thank you… for saying this. And for this night too, it was very fun,” They were both smiling to each other, “Okay, but can we now talk about this fucking garden?! Who needs so much bushes and trees when there is a forest! And on this land, you can grow so many berries and vegetables. I don’t get it…” Stede started laughing. “Yes! And you can get up in the morning, pick your own blueberries or raspberries, make your own jam, spread it on toast–“ “Or make a pie with them” “Yes! Bummer, now I want a pie…” “I’ll make you a pie!” Ed said proudly. “Tomorrow morning” Stede looked at him with a face that screams question marks. “You know how to make a pie?” “No, but Roach knows” “So, Roach will make a pie” “Nooo. Roach will tell me the recipe, then I’ll make it even better, and he will have to memorize a new recipe and ask me more for my cooking tips,” Ed said with a mischievous smile. “M’kay, poor Roach, he will have too much to memorize,” Stede said, smiling and putting his head on Ed’s shoulder. They were sitting in a beautiful silence for a moment, not talking, just existing in each other’s company. Ed felt calm, he never felt this calm before, especially sitting on rocks in a dark forest in an unknown place. He didn’t want this moment to end, this feeling to end. Maybe it was all worth it for moments like this. Every doubt, every pain, every heartbreak. Maybe these feelings just hurt more than they should, leaving wounds and scars. But moments like this heal them very fast. Stede’s love heal them very fast. Stede hurt him, but gave him so much more than pain; he gave him something worth living for, something he never thought he deserved. And even if it ends one day*, it was nice living through it, experiencing it, sharing it with someone. Maybe this is what the one means: finding someone worth sharing your love with. And, oh, how much Stede worth it.

They were sitting there for a few minutes and then Ed excitedly screamed. “Or you know what?! We should have a competition where our crews would bake cakes and pies, and we would be the judges, and tasting, and eating them!!” Stede looked at him with surprise. Was he thinking about this all this time? “Yeah, okay, that sounds fun! But oh my god, imagine how terrible some of the cakes will be, ugh!” “Well, this would be a great waste of ingredients for a great competition,” Ed said this and got up to look at the beach. “Okay, looks like they’re gone, I think we can go now”

He gave his hand to Stede to help him to get up. “Okay, and there will be three challenges,” Stede was saying this while dusting himself off. “First one is them making cakes or pies that they know how to bake, something they learned in a previous life, maybe they cooked for family or friends…” They both started walking towards the beach, making up rules for definitely not existing competition.

Ed finally felt relieved, thinking “yes, maybe he’s the one, or maybe he’s not, but it’s going to be fun finding out”.