My Journey

I have been using my the new routine for a little over a month now. I did notice a very big difference in my skin to start with. I did have a pretty bad break out a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t really wanting to post any pictures of if but I know I am working on getting out of my comfort zone for this kind of stuff. Here is updated pictures of my acne. 

It isn’t to bad right now, but it has scarred my face pretty bad. I still have a few pimples that popped up today (throughout the day). I wasn’t 100% sure what caused this break out, but I took a step back and looked at what I was doing differently. 

Before anyone comes at me, this part of my posts will be focusing on healthy eating habits. It will not be about me talking about being strict or prompting any life styles. I do have some dietary restrictions, so I will be talking about just this lifestyle as I need to. I will not be focusing on eating disorders. 

I have some food allergies and sensitivities so I need to avoid a few things. I am allergic to mushrooms. I am sensitive to lactose and gluten. 

I found out about mushrooms when I was a teenager, figured that's why I didn’t like them growing up. I had mushroom soup while babysitting, I realized I liked mushroom but they just didn’t like me. 

Lactose, growing up my sister figured out she was so we changed the diet and found I was doing better. I would break and have regular ice cream get I would get the amazing feeling of cramps, gas, and the fun stuff of being lactose intolerant. I don’t classify myself as intolerant as I have not been diagnosed with it, when talking with my doctor I say I have a sensitivity when I eat it. They write it down as intolerance but never have I actually been told I was. But I do avoid lactose as much as I can. 

Here is a bit of a shocker, I was actually diagnosed with a sensitivity to dairy. This isn’t so much dietary issues its more diary bugs my sinus’. I take daily allergy pills because my allergies act up all year round and I have a nasal drip. 

For the gluten sensitivity, I can’t eat it without having issues with my digestive system. I have not gone through the process to see if it is celiac disease, I don’t want to go through the process. I know I can avoid it as much as possible. 

So with my diet being gluten and lactose free, I eat some stuff that tends to be highly processed foods. I am aware of this, but I am working on making stuff myself so I am not eating as much processed foods. 

Before I found out about the gluten sensitivity, I was making a lot food from scratch. I was making homemade bread, pies, cakes, etc. I learned how to make really good pie crust, and I would make quiches with it. I was trying to support my sister with her going on an elimination diet to figure out what was causing her some issues. I like to support her, even though we weren’t living together at the same time. So basically you cut out everything that is known to cause any irritation, and you go like that for a while and slowly add stuff back into your diet in small increments. I was about 1-2 months in and I just had a massive craving for a homemade apple pie... I wasn’t supposed to eat apples and gluten. I broke this, I went out to buy anything I needed extra to make it. I made it, I was proud of it (I did fancy lattice work). I finished my slice, I was sitting and I felt my stomach start to cramp and that was when I realized something I ate was the issues I’ve been having for years... 

I went back on the diet (I didn’t finish the pie, my other half got the rest of it). I had just apples and I was fine. I had something that had regular gluten flour, and I was sick again. I had my answer. 

So all my recipes I had before are no longer applicable for me. I have went through and tried to find recipes that taste good. I found gluten free food bought at stores can taste like cardboard. I am not saying all do but that is a good majority that does taste great. I find some have an overwhelming taste of almond flour, I like almonds but I don’t like the taste of almond flour. 

When I went gluten free this was when Keto was starting to gain a lot of momentum in popularity. I did eat some recipes just because it was gluten free. I didn’t follow the diet though. I just saved some recipes that were Keto, and I do enjoy some of them. They are a lot of creams, butter, cheese and meats. I can’t quite complain about those, but I like my pasta as well. 

So this part of the posts will be talking about recipes I have adapted to fit me, kind of keep track of my eating habits. I do have issues with overeating and binge eating. I have been working on this. I have picked up some crafting hobbies to prevent me from snacking in the evening or weekends. I do find I eat more on the weekend and evenings. With me working from home, I was eating while training for work. I am actually doing the work now, I don’t have the time to be snacking as much. 

I do partake in recreational cannabis, I take an edible or it in pill form.  This is a bit of my overeating issue. But I do find I tend to crave airpoped popcorn (with a bit of salt and brown sugar) or salads. The salad one is a funny one sometimes, if there is salad leftover from dinner I will eat it all. I have started making sure I don’t have to much junk food in the house, and I make sure I have veggies and hummus in the house. I don’t really take cannabis to often, I was doing it every friday night during the summer. It was my way of my way with coping with the stress I was facing and so I was not drinking alcohol all the time. I don’t like to use alcohol or cannabis to cope with the stress but it was my way to destress. I would be able to turn off my brain. But with the cannabis it does lead to the binge eating. If I don’t have junk in my cupboards, I won't eat it when I’m high. 

So I will start a bit with my history. From family histories I have pretty much everything against me from heart disease to diabetic to cancer. So with this history, I want to make sure I am keeping myself as healthy as possible. 

When I am referring to Physical Health: Physical, I am generally talking about my weight and exercising; not my eating habits (they will cross over but that will kind of be on its own). 

Growing up I was not thin, I have never really been thin. I have also never really been small in any way. I was always tall (have no idea where I got the height from, my family is all pretty short on both sides). I was never really super active while growing up as well, I was bullied a lot in elementary school so I never participated in a lot of sports. I did do dance but I was never really that good (I have zero rhythm). When I was 12 I join the cadet program and got into biathlon (skiing and shooting like the Olympic sport). I was a bit more active here. I would run in the fall months and ski during the winter. I was still not small, my legs were a lot of muscle and my core was able to do a lot more then those who were seen as fit (I just couldn’t do a push up to save my life). I knew I had strong legs and core, so x country skiing was a good fit for me. I learned to use my legs and core more then my arms and I was pretty good at it. 

Again I wasn’t small doing this. At least I never thought I was small when I was participating in this. I was going against people who I would have 40-60 pounds on them. But looking back on those pictures of me I was quite small compared to now, even though I am wearing the same clothes. 

When I went to university, I did put on quite a bit of weight. I went from being super active during the winter to not really being active. I met K  (we are just going to call them K, keeping names out of all of this), they were my roommate second year of University. The University that we went to had a gym on campus and gave students a free pass for it. So she wanted to have a gym buddy to work out with, partially so we didn’t have to walk all the way to the other side of campus to go the gym at 6am alone. I was okay with this. We worked out fairly regularly, and it was easy to hang out together. We don’t talk nearly as much now, but I still call her one of my best friends, I know she has been through a lot but I don’t push that friendship to much. We are both quite private people but that isn’t the point of this post. 

When K and I would work out, we would go for an hour to and hour and a half depending on our moods. I would focus on more cardio and she would be more strength. 

Third year university, I moved in a 5 bedroom house with my other half, my sister, her other half and her friend (who was in the same program). My sister was going for kinesiology. So she needed a Guinea pig for some stuff and she was wanting a gym buddy. I would do with my sister and we would do more weights. I did have a goal to ride a bike from the city I was in to my home town (4 hour drive roughly). Needless to say, never did it.  But we worked out pretty good. I still never really did lose a lot of the weight from first year. I had gained close to 50 lbs (of fat mostly). 

I started a new job for the summer, and I was all the sudden walking to and from work (20 min walk one way). I would walk in the extreme cold, day or night, rain or shine. I was walking. By the time I took a month position that August, I had lost only about 40 lbs and went down 2 pushing 3 sizes. I was feeling very confident about myself (also helped I worked at a plus sized clothing store). 

I stayed at this weight while I worked there. I had moved before leaving there, I moved a little farther away. It was now about a 40 min walk). I did have to stop doing this walk due to safety concerns (I lived in an okay neighbourhood but I had to walk through a really rough area, where there would stabbings weekly). I got a car when I had finished school and started driving there. To make up for this, I would go for hikes around some trails. I worked hard to make sure I was still staying active. 

When I left that job, I left the city all together. I moved to a small town that had a  lot of sports to join. Because I am socially awkward when you first meet me, that wasn’t a great option for me. So I decided I would sign up a running race that my sister was doing. I was crashing with my sister till I got a place to rent. Trained a bit when living with my sister before I did walk/half *ss run for 8 km.  So my mom and I walked the 8 km run/walk. We came dead last but I could not be more proud of us. We went and we did it.

My sister then talked me into doing another one the following year, this one was only 5 km. I went for walks but I didn’t train much. I completed the race, I didn’t reach my time goal but I could care less. I went and I did it. 

Later that summer I was talked into doing the 8 km race again. This time I found a routine to help build up your muscles to run 8 km. I worked hard over the summer. Even when I was visiting my other half at work 2 hrs away, I was running. I made sure I followed and I wasn’t going for time I was going for, it was being able to run 8 km. I forgot how many hills there was. I did walk/run it, but I ran most of it. I was proud of it. I finished that race with a really nice women pushed me to finish. Only to find my sister had told the announcer that it was my birthday (which it was). I thought it was a good way to celebrate my birthday. 

That’s when things went down hill with my fitness. I finished that race and I had a cough. I usually would get runner’s cough, but this was something worse. I was changing jobs, I felt like I just had a cold. It was a slow decline in my fitness. I all the sudden was having issues going up stairs. I would be physically tired and I would go into coughing fits that lasted a while. I was finally coughing up blood. I went to emerg, at first they though I had a clot in my lungs. While doing the tests, they realized, I had atypical pneumonia in one lung. It took 3 months of 3 different medication for it to finally get rid of most of it. 

I had a hard time, I was not able take short walk to my car or walk up stairs without going into coughing fits. I started going on walks with my other half. I was trying to work on getting into shape again. I ran into another issue, I was having chest pains. I got that looked at and was told to keep working on it. I got to the point I was still having issues. I was still going on hikes and walks when I could. I had gained weight again and I wasn’t too happy with myself. I participated in at 19 km challenge that took place over a few days. I did a 5 km race again. Due to COVID, these 2 were done virtually. 

I was doing some at home workouts, but my positions changed to me working from home. And this brings me to where I am right now.

I first wanted to start with a post about my skin. I don’t have really bad acne but I have enough that has made me subconscious. 

I first started getting acne when I was 11/12 ish. It wasn’t bad when it first started. When I was in high school it did get pretty bad. I had acne on both sides of my cheeks, my chin and my forehead. The forehead was more due to my bangs and me constantly playing with my hair. 

I don’t have to many picture of how my acne was because I was always wearing foundation basically. When I got to the point of where I didn’t have to wear makeup, I wouldn’t use it. But when I needed it again I was fully caking my face with it again. It was a constant cycle. Here is a picture from grade 10. You can’t see to much, some on my forehead, upper lip and chin. The is some scarring on the sides of my cheeks. 

Now I am in my late twenties, don’t wear any make up now, and haven’t really in years. I stopped wearing foundation the first year of University, I became a student who prioritized things a bit different from my looks. I would still wear eye make up but not foundation. I was still using the same kind of face wash at this point. I liked using Spectro for Sensitive Skin. I had experimented with some while in high school but nothing was really all that great for my skin, causing more acne or hives. 

I know my acne is linked to stress, eating habits, hormones and what I was using on my skin. I was using foundation in the earlier years, and I was putting on products that may not have that great on to be putting on my skin. 

I had a very basic skin care routine. I would wash my face in the morning, use moisturizer (till they stopped carrying the one I liked). I would sometimes wash my face at night. I had always found washing my face at night I would be to tired to remember. 

Over the years, I had tried very hard to make sure I would be washing my face in the morning and the night. Up until I started my big journey last summer, I would wash my face with Spectro, Toner (whatever I would find to try) and the Body Shop Tea Tree Moisturizer during the day. At night, I would use Spectro, Toner (same as the morning) and Tea Tree Night Time Cream. 

Over the past few months I have started watching videos that would be talking about skin care. For a few years I had been wanting to understand my skin a bit more. I would so out of touch of what was going on with skin care. I had grown up in the generation where you over exfoliate, use a cleanser that just strips your skin and not using SPF. Huge mistakes I now know. 

End of 2020 I decided to get a better moisturizer, one that would not be quite as drying on my skin for the winter months. I do live in a very cold area, and in the winter months my skin is very dry. So I went out and kind of splurged on a few things to try. I bought a new day time moisturizer and a night time face mask. I had made minor changes over the years but these two changed something for me. The day time one was a Vitamin C one, so it was glow boosting and was helping lighten my scars. My night time one was one that I found very hydrating overnight and it was to help aging (don’t know how much that was helping). I was finding these two were helping with the appearance of my skin but I was still getting acne because I wasn’t using anything that was really helping beside a couple spot treatments. I was sort of using SPF at this time, I wasn’t every day all the time. The old moisturizer had SPF in it, but when I changed I kept forgetting to put it on. 

I stumbled across Cassandra Bankson, a youtuber who talks about skin care, back in early to mid 2021. I has stumbled across one of her videos where she was reacting to celebrity skin care routines. I don’t remember who it was, but she was just breaking the skin care down to where I could understand what was right and wrong. So I started watching more and more of her videos just kind of having them in the background. I learned a lot about acne from her videos. Being someone who suffered from acne I was able to relate to what she was talking about. 

So I made a few minor changes to my skin care. I looked at the toner I was using and switched it to something else, one that had salicylic acid in it. I grabbed the first one I could find at Wal Mart that had it in it. The more videos I started watching the more I learned about concentrations and how the ingredient lists were listed. I did find the toner was working for my skin, started to slightly clear my skin. It worked, but I realized it had denatured alcohol in it. It does dry out the skin, which I was finding that my skin was fine with it, but I would still have weird dry patches (that my moisturizer would good at covering). 

After I had switched to my new position, I was mentally feeling better and wanting to find a skin care routine that worked for me. I was willing to change what I needed to or add what I needed to it to help target my acne. 

Because I was watching Cassandra’s videos, Facebook also started popping up with more of hers (not just celebrity reaction videos), Skin care by Hyram and Mixed Makeup. Each one of them have slightly different philosophy of skin care. But there was a few things that they all had in common. They believe that good skin care doesn’t need to cost $$$. What I was liking about these creators was they have tried products, they look at ingredients and they tell you what the ingredients were doing for the skin. 

I learned about chemical exfoliation over physical exfoliation. I was someone who likes physical but I have never been super rough while using a physical scrubs. I was not someone who used everyone's favourite St. Ives Apricot Scrub, I could never use this product due to allergies. But I did enjoy some of The Body Shop Vitamin C scrubs (one that was daily and one that was weekly). These do not contain plastic beads and they are not something that have sharp edges. I have liked ones that were more gentle on my skin.

Watching these videos, I have changed my skin care routine just a little bit. I definitely looking at how my skin is feeling, I am using products that are a bit drying to the skin (especially with it being winter and it being an extremely cold already). I do take breaks from the new face wash I am using (I will list what I am using at the end), I do have some serums I use (morning and night) and I do have a new toner. I did go a bit overboard with stuff for acne I feel, thus having products that are quite a bit drying to the skin. 

I guess I should kind of clarify the skin type I have. I have combination skin tending to oily in the summer and tending to dry in winter months. I do have sensitivities (I am still learning all my allergies), but I am sensitive to some fragrance. I can tolerate some from some products, but if there is a lot in a product, I get more of a migraine then a major reaction. I can feel a burning sensation or my skin does go red (that sometimes doesn’t go away but this is more that ingredients are in there). 

So here is a small break down of my skin care routine for reference now. 

Morning:

The Inkey List Salicylic Acid face wash

The Ordinary Salicylic Acid 2% Serum

The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc1% Serum

The Body Shop Vitamin C Glow Boosting Moisturizer (I have tried other ones but I find this one my skin really does like) 

I do use a sun screen when I go outside but it is still flip floping around on which one I like.

Evening:

Spectro for Sensitive Skin (I typically use this as a first cleanse if I feel I need it)

The Inkey List Salicylic Acid Cleanser (If I my skin is feeling pretty good and I am not planning on using my toner or retinol, otherwise I do feel a burning sensation that lasts a while and I am very red for hours)

The Inkey List Glycolic Acid Exfoliating Toner (I use this about 1-2 times a week right now trying to build up tolerance right now, if I use this I don’t use any other additives)

The Ordinary Salicylic Acid 2% Serum (I use fairly regularly to help keep my acne in check, usually spot at night probably should do the spot in the day and all over at night but I am still working on my routine)

The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% (I really like this product, it helps with the redness I get when applying other products, I still get redness but it does not last like it normally would)

The Ordinary Retinol 0.2% in Squalane (I use this every second night basically, I made sure I only use it when I have used my Spectro and the Niacinamide serum)

The Body Shop Drops of Youth Bouncy Sleeping Mask (I found that this mask my skin really likes, as long as it hasn’t expired, learned that the hard way)

Then I do roll my face for 10 mins every 2-3 days, just to help with puffiness I get around my eyes some things (thank you allergy season never ending for me).

Again this is just a work in progress. I am still turning and learning my ingredient lists (shout out to Cassandra to teaching me this). I will be still look at different products and thinking about different things I put on my skin. I am not recommending these products, this is me experimenting and finding what my skin likes.

I know I talked mostly about my skin in this post but I want to mention that I am wanting to help my skin to help boost my confidence that little bit more. I have worked hard on my mental state, and I am in a good place now but I know I start to slip when I am starting to go back to the dark place. I am using different methods to help me stay out of there, and I do did it is the small things that help me get out of there or stop me from slipping to far. This is not meant to be a band aid affect, but this is what I recognize for me when I am going there and its my preventative way. This is will be talked a little more in future posts on my mental health that I am working on.

Recent picture of me, I still have a bit of acne, it is a bit hard to see with the lighting but this was taken in November 2021. It was seeing a positive change but I still was having break outs. 

Before I get started to far in this process, I would like to state my user name is just a nick name my family was given from a first impression of my mom when she meet her best friends when we moved to town 20+ years a go. I am not lantinx, but it is just a nick name. 

I am starting this process and trying to commit to helping my self with improving my health (mentally and physically). I recently taken steps in my life to help me be where I want to be (more in that later on). Over the course over the next year I will be trying to post my journey along the way. I will be taking about self care. When I refer to self care, I am referring to mental and physical. 

I will be going through a few different journey’s over this next year. I will be talking about my journey with skin care; trying products and finding what helps with my acne and pigmentation. I will be talking about me taking control over my mental health again (this will be unpacking a lot).And the last journey I will be talking about is my physical health (eating and exercise) as well (again going to unpack a few things here). 

I guess I will kind of start off why I am starting all this. For me this is my New Years Resolution. I am calling it my New Years Resolution, but really my journey started well before the new year. 

My journey started back around the beginning of 2021 Summer. Well it started a lot further back but beginning of 2021 Summer is when I started to take back control. I had been in my position at work for almost two years at this point. I did love my job to start, but then I just started to have this feeling of constantly failing. No matter what I did, I would never being fully up to snuff with my job’s mandate. I am not bashing the company I work for or my colleagues. I was just finding that I was in a rut, and every time I would get myself out the rut something would knock me right back into it. I had issues with my mental health, this also was having problems sleeping. 

Late spring, I was offered to interview for another position for a company I had worked at before (a competitor of my current employer). It would have been a big jump on from the position I was in, and huge pay raise. I was entertaining the idea of taking the opportunity as it was just a chance for it...  

I did speak with my manage to let her know as she could tell something up. She did express her disappointment in me that I was entertaining this. But something she said did make me think harder about it. She said, “I don’t want to lose you; but, I will support you as long as it makes you happy”. She said think long and hard about this change, and look at what you like about your job, your weaknesses, and do you think that is going to change with this move? I never took this in a bad way, and I still don’t. I thought about what I like about my job now, what I am passionate about, does my 5 year plan change? 2 year plan? 

I had to really think about my goal plan. My original goal plan, the position being offered would have been a good step. Bu I had to think if I would be able to do that job. I would be able to take out part of my current position and then take my current position clientele but would be much higher demand. The parts that I wasn’t a huge fan of, that would the main part of it. 

I have a teaching background, but really what I like is helping my colleagues. I pick up on things fairly quickly, and I was able to help with new technologies/systems that we were given. I would be helping those with policies and procedures on things. One of my colleagues and myself would sit together sometimes and talk through issues. This is what I liked to do. 

So when I sat down with my manager and their manager, we discussed me staying with the notion that I will be changing positions. I had decided I wanted to stay with the same company and not be as public facing. We talked about options where I figured I wanted to be. We looked at different types of positions that would fit my goals and what would be good stepping stones for where I want to be. 

So over the next few months, I keep an eye out for various positions. I didn’t say anything to many colleagues to start, if someone saw me looking I would mention it but wouldn’t say anything when I applied for positions. I applied for quite a few, wasn’t getting any interviews. I had to taken a day off for an out of town appointment. For me this appointment was something that started to help me figure my physical health (more on that on a different post). I was running on low sleep just from all the driving I was doing, and the anxiety I was having for this appointment. 

When I got back to work the next day, I opened up my computer and was trying to get my mind back into work I went through my emails. There wasn’t many, but I got one saying there a new position that I would be interested in. So within the first 10 mins with me at work, I applied for the position. It peaked my interest. Within an hour of me applying I had someone message me asking for an interview. Due to the amount of was applying for I was, I had to figure out with one they were a part of. They were asking for when we could talk, I said I could do x time (my lunch time). I had my first appointment, my coaching from that appointment. So I had 0 time to really prepare for this interview. I had enough time to find which position it was for it (it was the one I had to apply for that very morning). I met one of the team leads and their manager. I gave a great impression apparently, and I have a very different background due to my school and my employment (doesn’t quite make a lot of sense). During the interview I explained the change I was going through and why I changed. I explained I had taken a step back to sort out everything, and that is again what I was doing with this change in position. They said they would speak with my manager and get back to me. The following day they talked, they did reach out we connected and I had it.

We are forever making assumptions about fat people. 

Everyone is forever finding memes about fat people, getting chuckles out of them.

Starting at a young age, females know about the body image. 

Teachers all have a sense that bullying happens based on appearance. 

How should teacher’s be handling bullying issues? Parents see their children and they feel protective (hopefully) over them. Teachers should be paying attention to the youth in their classroom. They see so much more happening then the parents. Having a bond with the students help build a starting point for a support system. 

Out of curiosity, I did the BMI test, my result was that I am obese. I am not surprised by this.

I was looking online and found that there are some notes that go along with this test. They state that the categories come from a certain height; the larger bone structure, taller people and high muscle mass can alter the result of the BMI. It can vary so much, that is unreliable.

This sums up why girls have issues with their body image. Girls gain or lose weight to fit in.  

Teenage girls are probably some of the worst types of bully’s. 

In the movie Mean Girls, Regina George is known as the worst bully. But watching the movie, you can see that there is a lot of girl on girl bullying going on in that high school. Some dismiss this as just being Hollywood drama added; but, some high schools do have that much drama. 

Girls are being fat shamed, just like in Mean Girls. The effects of girls bullying others, and they go onto bullying others. It becomes this vicious cycle of bullying. How the movie handles the movie is pretty good, but it does not always work like that.

Girls are the worst because they have more of an effect on the victims, and the bullies know this and exploit this. 

It use to be that the bullying built character; but, now, it is showing the negative effects of bullying. Bullying has a lot of lasting effects on the victims. 

Victims of being bullied due to weight, are never secure about their bodies afterwards. There needs to be support for the “fat” youth for them to develop positive self-esteem, and ways for them to deal with the fat phobia and they bullying. 

It has been noted that “fat” youth are more likely to miss school, especially on days of gym class. They do not feel like they should be doing sports, or they are afraid of being made fun of due to lack of ability.