I am whatever you say I am

It took me almost a month into us to say it out loud even though it was all I'd thought about for 5 years. I couldn't believe we were finally happening; it was.. surreal.

Now i've spent the last 10 years (and will spend the rest of my life) regretting not saying it sooner, wishing I could tell you I love you every minute of every day, wishing i hadn't wasted all those days not making sure you knew I love you.

I'll always love you, hun.

I'd always imagined this to be us.

Image source: bubug

Some days I wonder what our wedding would've been like, what married life would've been like with you, love.

We should be celebrating 7 years, 2 months and 13 days today but instead, I'm crying myself to sleep yet again wondering where you are and how you're doing, if I'll ever get to see you outside of my nightmares and the occasional dream, if you can hear me when i talk to you, if..... the list could go on.

Did you ever get my letters? I'm sorry i stopped writing 3 years in. I had nothing left to say but so much tears left to cry. How do I translate tears to words?

Everyday I find myself thinking of joining you because the thought of going on another day without you is unfathomable. But my sanity pulls me back in and tells me you wouldn't've wanted my death that way. After all the years you spent talking me down from the ledge? I really shouldn't be jumping off it now huh. (Who woulda thought you'd be a reason?)

I miss your voice. I miss your face. I miss your presence. I miss your assuarances. I miss your stories. I miss your one-liners. I miss our comfortable silence. I miss aimlessly walking around town with you. I miss staying home doing domestic things with you.

I miss you, love. I want to be with you, back in your arms where life felt right, where home is.

I love you. With all my heart.

I did, i do, and i will always love you.