where do I hide the profound grief that wants to drip from my eyes every time i hear "tu meri baahon mein duniya bhula de" from darkhaast and know that I have nobody to dedicate it to or feel that emotion of safety with
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Not today Justin
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where do I hide the profound grief that wants to drip from my eyes every time i hear "tu meri baahon mein duniya bhula de" from darkhaast and know that I have nobody to dedicate it to or feel that emotion of safety with

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I have come to discover that the most efficient way for me to get housework done is to allow myself to just do task grazing. I start one thing and once I've got the ball rolling, I may notice another task I could do while doing the first task, and just let myself wander around the house, bumping into something I could fix, fixing it up, and heading back off to a random direction, like a roomba with hands. I didn't plan to do housework today, but I decided to bake a cake.
There was no real need for a cake, but I allowed myself to bake one nonetheless. Getting started on the batter, the butter I was melting in the microwave popped over slightly, so I neded up washing the microwave plate and dome. Looking for cinnamon, I re-arranged the spices into a slightly more logical order. Turning the oven on, I noticed that the dirty oven tray inside - that we had left in there to cool since there's no way to wash it while it's hot - was still there, so I figured I'd wash it, too.
So while the cake was in the oven, I ended up washing the dishes from the sink, and discovered that there's no way to fit the oven tray in there with them. So it's best to wash the oven tray in the shower. Scrubbing the tray in the bathroom and rinsing it off with the showerhead, I noticed the burnt gunk collecting on the floor. Getting a cleaning rag and wiping the gunk off, I noticed the dust in the corners of the bathroom floors, and figured I might as well wipe those through.
Had I sent out with the intention to spend today cleaning, and made it my task to clean the whole kitchen and to mop the bathroom floor, I would've never managed to actually get up and go do it. I would've spent the whole day frozen in place, beating myself up about not getting up and getting anything done, and wasting the entire day achieving nothing and still being exhausted by the ordeal of spending the whole day fighting myself.
But instead, I let myself bake a cake.
fucking hate it when the stuff everybody says "actually works" does actually work.
hate exercising and realizing i've let go of a lot of anxiety and anger because i've overturned my fight-or-flight response.
hate eating right and eating enough and eating 3 times a day and realizing i'm less anxious and i have more energy
hate journaling in my stupid notebook with my stupid bic ballpoint and realizing that i've actually started healing about something once i'm able to externalize it
hate forgiving myself hate complimenting myself more often hate treating myself with kindness hate taking a gratitude inventory hate having patience hate talking to myself gently
hate turning my little face up to the sun and taking deep breaths and looking at nature and grounding myself and realizing that i feel less burdened and more hopeful, more actually-here, that i am able to see the good sides of myself more clearly, that i am able to see not only how far i have to grow - but also how much growth i have already done & how much of my life i truly fill with light and laughter and love
horrible horrible horrible. hate it but i'm gonna do it tho
i know i was gatekeeping my love from you, for you. but could you at least love me from afar?
his warmth was never enough for my frozen love

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"you don't remember what you did for me because you did it fully immersed"
some friends are worth melting for
some nights were spent getting over someone, the others were spent wishing they were here