Just a normal girl with abnormal interests

After 150 days, it finally happened. I was finally allowed to cum and it felt like my soul was leaving my body, with Nessun Dorma as the soundtrack.

I came a lot, and I came hard, the rug now needs a deep clean. But.

The next day I felt weird (mentally). I don't regret cumming, and I am SO grateful but...I can't help but feel like I've let @mrgloss83 down. I know how much he was enjoying my denial, my neediness, my absolute desperation. And I know how much I was enjoying him humiliate me for it, how much I kinda liked feeling pathetic. My time denied has made it apparent that I really, really get off on humiliation. So I guess I'm left wondering, has denial broken my mind? Is denial what's best for me? I'm still gravitating towards porn that includes humiliation and denial, and I still feel myself getting excited by it. But I still genuinely worry about what I'd be willing to do now that I have discovered this side of me. Also, I guess I got used to feeling a certain way because I asked if I could be edged before he left tonight (I'm still not allowed to touch).

Text from the listing:

"...symbolizes the ability to endure and overcome hardships.."

"...symbolizing resilience and inner strength. It can inspire you to endure hardships and challenges with courage, determination..."

As of today, it's been 50 days since I last had an orgasm, and 32 days of officially being denied. I still believe it's a sort of mind control technique.

I’ve been asked to write about my experience of denial so far. At the time of writing, I have been ‘officially denied’ for 18 days. But my last orgasm was 36 days ago. I’ve gone longer than 36 days before, but this time is very different in that the only time I go near my vagina is to either use the toilet or to shower . In the past it has been a result of not being able to do it myself (probably a result of years of orgasm control) despite being able to use whatever I want for as long as I want (and I did, pretty much every day). Not touching at all kinda sucks. 

I’m sat here trying to think semi-coherently about my feelings on it all before I start the ‘cum-obsession cycle’ again and my brain turns to mush. As much as I tried to initially deny it, I think I do like being denied more than I'd freely admit. In that, as much as I really, really want to cum, a part of me enjoys being denied in the sense that it really enforces the fact that I have given up control. It makes me incredibly happy to see how much he is enjoying it all, I think that is the biggest part of it all for me (surprisingly). I really hope I'm allowed to cum soon but truthfully, I kinda hope I'm not. In that, I'm curious to see how long he would deny me for. He joked (at least I think it was a joke) about keeping me denied for a year, and I'm curious as to whether I could manage it. 

But I really, really, really want to cum.

I had an opportunity to cum before this started but, as I stopped myself from cumming (I stopped myself because I hadn't asked), it was officially made 'a thing'. Some interesting things have happened in the past 16 days. At first, I was sleeping with a Lush vibrator in (on low), getting brought to the edge by fingers, and sex - all without release. And it was...interesting. I've always been relatively wet, but I've hit a new level. I've literally been dripping. Cumming is the only thing on my mind, and I’ve resorted to begging and actually grinding up against a foot…more than once (this was a surprise to both of us as I hate feet). Additionally, I've always liked reading erotica, but I've found myself reading more 'extreme' stories, e.g., 'erotic horror', and my Tumblr likes have taken a turn compared to my previous likes (and Tumblr seems to think this is what’s best for me judging by what’s appearing).

I really, really, really, really, want to cum

Aside from an increased libido (and obsession with release), there have been a fair amount of behavioural changes (all in just 16 days, wow that’s pathetic ha ha). I’m basically going to be writing what has been said to me, as I think my needy vagina has blindsided me. Apparently, I've vocalised my sexual needs better, been more obedient (both sexually and non-sexually) during denial, and whilst I don't believe that's true...what if it is? What if denial is that thing that gives us both what we want out of our D/s dynamic? Or even our relationship in general? What if not cumming is what’s best for me? So as much as I hate to admit it, his opinions are a fair assessment. It's as if my vagina is telling me to do anything I can to get some sort of release.  All in all, I’ve concluded that ‘orgasm denial’ is a form of brainwashing, a very effective form of brainwashing. And I’m honestly so conflicted over it all. 

Also, I really, really, really, really, really want to cum. 

Or do I?