Afrodita encadenada

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

Thank you, when I first approached @instructor144 and @onelittlekingdom about starting this experiment, we had no idea the overwhelming response we would receive. With @spoiled-lil-kitten and @empoweredsubmissive we launched the blog and quickly discovered there was need for what we created.

Since then we have added @heels12345 and most recently @itsallprimal and we are certainly better for it.

But do you know what makes this blog work? You and those like you. Take the time to scroll the comments on these questions. You find a community, alive and ready to offer help support and guidance to each other. We don’t know everything but with the help of our followers we have created a place for people to learn and grow. That’s all I could have EVER wanted from this endeavor.

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor. A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and  “I love when you gag on me”. A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place. A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected.  A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program. A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family. A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do. A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up. A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.

Good afternoon to you Anon. I would indeed expect him to take charge when it comes to dealing with differences of opinions. It’s a time he should be reminding you what your dynamic is, and handing out swift retribution for being forced to remind you. 

Should he have to though? Why are we having arguments when you’ve given him your submission and made him the boss? Shouldn’t there be a moment where that is recognized and respected before things escalate into anything you’d refer to as an argument? Is it his job to shut you down when you start acting any way you want, or is it your job to be mindful of your submission and your place within your relationship and curb your temper and prioritize your opinions? I’d say both of those things should be in play to help deescalate passions before you find yourself arguing. There should always be a door left open so you can express your feelings and contribute to your relationship and care, but when I hear about D/s couples actively arguing, I almost always think of it as a breakdown of both roles. 

I recommend a summit to discuss how you handle arguments when they arise within your relationship. He should hear you express that you have a need to be shut down when you’re out of hand, and that you will try better to be mindful of your submission so he doesn’t often find himself needing to do so. 

“Going somewhere, Little Princess?” He growled.

I could feel my heart beating in my chest, defiance setting in at the thoughts running through my head.

How many times had Grandmother mentioned the wolves? Had I said I’d be careful? Had I purposely been reckless out of the fucked up hope that one of the wolves would find me? How many times had I yearned for a wolf to claim me as His?

How many times had I been wrong?

What the fuck had I gotten myself into. This Wolf was a giant. A monster. A beast with a tone that was dripping with depraved, sadistic, violent thoughts like his saliva was dripping down his mouth at the sight of me.

My flight caught up with my fight and realized it wasn’t the thoughts that should have been running. It was me.

I started.

He stopped me.

“Stay awhile, Little Princess.” He said. It was not an option. It was a command.

I stopped. I didn’t know why. Why I was paralyzed with fear, need, anger, awe, panic, acceptance.

His eyes are so big. I thought.

“The better to see every inch of that delectable skin, Red.” He answered.

I guess I didn’t just think it. I said it, without realizing. I was losing myself. But he seemed to know my name.

“Your teeth are so sharp.”

“The better to rip that hood off your fucking body, Red.”

“Your mouth is so wet.”

What the fuck was I saying? I did not want this. The sight of his wet mouth was not causing my cunt to match it. My body would not betray me like this.

“The better to soak your holes with before I ravage them all, Red.”

Holy Fuck. My cunt clenched, my brain screamed, my heart hid and my soul awakened.

This was happening. This wasn’t happening. This was happening. This wasn’t happening.

I started.

He stopped me.

“This is going to happen, Red.” He observed.

This is going to happen, Red. I moaned.

He advanced. I retreated.

His big eyes saw my every move.

He stalked. I cowered.

His big teeth did their job.

He salivated. I gushed.

Wetness sliding over wetness.

No!

Tongue sliding over Cunt.

Please, No!

Tongue sliding over Ass.

God, no. Not there. Please. No.

Tongue sliding over Tongue.

Why is he doing this to me? What is he doing? Why do I like it? Why am I so fucking wet right now?  Filthy, disgusting, revolting girl!

“Feels like you like that, Little Princess.” He smirked.

“No, please.” I begged.

“Please what?” He asked.

“Please don’t, Sir. Please don’t make me.” I appealed.

“Don’t make you what, Red?“

“Don’t make me feel this way. Don’t make me want you. Don’t make me dirty. Don’t make me… God, please, don’t make me.” I invoked.

He wasn’t a God. He was a hunter. I prayed to him. He preyed on me.

“But you are dirty. You’re a filthy, disgusting, revolting girl. You know it. I know it.” He leered. “You deserve this Red. You’re such a Little whore of a Princess.”

I did. I deserved this. I deserved this feeling. I deserved to embrace it. I deserved to own it. I deserved to cum from it.

And I did. I came when he had enough of my begging and made me. I came when he shoved his monster cock inside of my sickeningly wet cunt. 

I cried as I came. From disgust, from conflict, from need, from freedom, from release, from pain, from the sheer size of this beast. The pain became too much. 

“No, no, no, no, it’s too much,” I sobbed.

“The better to fuck you with,” he responded

I came again when he mercilessly thrust inside of my ass, forcing a large peg in a small hole, from the depth to which he hit my soul.

I came again and again and again- my pleas turning from no to yes. From violation to violent need.

I started.

I started.

I started.

He stopped.

Afterwards, he held me in his arms, and said. “I love you, Little Princess.”

My mind was free, my heart was full, my soul was awake.

Wolf had claimed me as His. 

——-

Sometime earlier that month:

“Going somewhere, Little Princess?” He growled.

“Hello Wolf, it’s nice to see you again,” I sighed. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Red.“

Despite Granny’s warnings, I had ventured into the forest and let Wolf claim me as His, many times.

We were laying together in the afterglow when He asked me if it was what I needed.

“Sometimes,” I responded. “Sometimes I need you to be mean. To be violent. To be Fenris.”

He whimpered with a similar need, marking me as His with a love bite punctuation mark.

“Be careful what you ask for, Little Princess.”

“I know what I’m asking, Wolf. We’ve talked about it for so long.”

“And we’ll keep talking about it until I know you’re sure.”

“Yes, Sir.” I simpered.

“None of that, Little Princess. Tonight let’s lay here and love,” he whispered by my ear. “I’ll desecrate you soon enough, my little whore.“

Soon, but never enough, I thought as I wrapped him around me and drifted off to sleep .

I have a core belief that my submission does not make me a doormat. It does not make me lesser, and it certainly does not mean that my opinions and desires don’t matter. What it does mean is that those wants come second to the desires of my Dominant.

One of my responsibilities as a submissive is to make my needs and desires known. It’s only with this information that a Dominant can not make an informed decision. Unless I fulfill my responsibility to give him all the information he needs, he cannot fulfill his responsibility to care for me.

This is an aspect of my submission that I often struggle with. In other areas of my life, with anyone other than my Dominant, speaking up comes naturally. I make my opinions known loudly and often. When it’s time to speak up, it’s as if a switch is flicked inside me. Alpha me rears her ugly head in the very place her presence is least welcome.

How can I tame her? How do I set aside habit without defaulting instead to timidity, without failing to fulfill my obligation to make my voice heard? How do I balance my responsibility to voice my concerns and desires with my obligation to behave respectfully? The ‘me’ who is outspoken, brusque, and sharp tongued is not welcome at Sir’s feet, so what am I to do?

I can speak only for myself, but for me the answer lies in one deceptively simple thing…protocol.

My relationship with my Dom is not one of high protocol. ‘Baby’ is spoken as often as ‘Sir’ or ‘Master’, we speak casually, and we joke often. However in these moments, the ones where I am making my needs known and giving voice to my desires, all of that changes. I find that the best way to prevent myself from the infamous ‘topping from the bottom’ is to wrap myself in protocol.

My parents….

Yes, submissives have parents. We’re not hatched. I have this photograph of them framed on a wall. She was his princess. He was always looking at her like this, even on her death bed. They wouldn’t have even known what D/s was, but they lived it.

She openly and utterly adored him. She knew his every need and saw to it without needing to be asked. She relied on his calm. He was her rock.

He created a world of order and predictability. He never raised his voice or his hand. He always made the decisions after they talked through things. But he decided.

They had rituals and protocols, although they never called them that. And when Alzheimer’s came to slowly steal her mind, their decades of these were the only thing that soothed and calmed her. Even when she didn’t know his name, she responded to “Who’s my best girl?” with “I’m always my best for you.”

And when it was time for her to go, he looked down at her, placed his hands over her eyes, closing them “Shhhh… it’s time for you to rest. Go on now. Go and get things ready for me. I’ll be along shortly.”

Hand to God, her last words were “Yes Sir….”

She died quietly about 36 hours later.

My parents had no idea what D/s is. But they lived the principles of the Power Exchange. And I am certain everything was ready for him when he joined her.

@caringasshole it’s very true….

Top pic is my Dad at age 17 in a B-17 over Germany during WWII. He was a belly gunner.

Middle pic is me looking at him.

Bottom pic is the last pic taken about a week before his own death in his 90’s.

It was only after my own entry into D/s that I recognized the Power Exchange in their marriage. My short blurd about them skipped over the ravages of Alzheimer’s and how it broke our hearts. It avoided the dark sadness that weighed on him for the years he carried on alone after her death.

My dad was a class act and always teaching me how to live with dignity and honor by example. When he died at home with us, he was mostly semi-conscious for a day or so when he had a short burst of energy. He woke up, and asked for chocolate ice cream and wine. He ate a few bites, drank a few sips and said he was tired and “Hey, thanks for your all help…” He went to sleep and died the next day.

His last life lesson to me was….

Eat the Chocolate

Drink the Wine

Always Say Thank you

♾

My husband and I saw a comedian a month or two ago and he brought up marriage. His words about the sex life flatlining and their uneventful evenings together made me feel sorry for him and others that lack what we have. As we’ve learned more about each other and experimented together, our sex life has improved. I have a man who dominates me, because I crave and need that in my life: he seeks to fulfill my needs. He looks after me, priorizing my safety and health. We have an exciting sex life, which is occasionally interrupted by life’s trials and tribulations. But when things settle down, as they tend to do, we jump back into our bedroom kinkfest. Here are a few things that make our marriage sparkle and sizzle instead of fizzle. Daddy gets me presents! Sex toys like huge dildos, which I wouldn’t buy for myself! Spanking implements! I mentioned I’d like a new body stocking that’s lacy and he quickly acquired two (pics to follow up for that in a bit). He’s purchased all my various sex toys, lingerie, riding crops, paddles, and floggers. I’m spoiled, at least in sex toy bounty. Daddy shares his sexy girl He urges me to take selfies, he takes pictures of me, sharing them on his blog and I share them on my own as well. He tells that my pussy is just too pretty to keep for his eyes only and he wants to share it. He supports me sharing my writing. He encourages my writing and imagination!

Inner conflicts can really immobilise us and stop us from reaching our full potential in many different ways in our lives.

You’ve had the logical conversations with yourself, understand your submissive self, but there’s still that little twist that holds you back.

All I can say is grow your submission with your partner. Have a good think about areas of control you want to hand over and discuss handing them over one by one. See your journey as a pathway before you that you take step by step. The end is unclear in the distance, but you’re following your Dominant and putting trust in them with ever step forward.

Form a mantra to repeat when you hear those little voices try to sow seeds of doubt and change the language of the conversation in your head.

You control the choice to submit, and that is the ultimate power.

1. Submissive’s needs

2. Dom’s needs

3. Dom’s wants

4. Submissive’s wants

Hi Anon,

The bent over about to hurl chick is me.

I’m a submissive (of the independent, alpha, stubborn variety).

It was August in the granite canyons above Auburn California. It was pushing 100°F.

I had just crossed the finish line of a trail race.

It was a 100 miles with a total elevation gain of just over 16,000 feet.

My brain is the typical busy brain too.

I was like this because I was being stubborn and refusing to comply and go the medical tent. (In my defense, I wanted my finisher’s buckle and medal upfront, before I went anywhere.)

So I ended up hurling all over that nice man who’s the Race Director.

So let’s review …

Submissive (drops like a stone when He says kneel), stubborn, independent, alpha type, and runs 100 milers for fun.

Ummm, weak?

Here are a couple of things that I would do Anon:

1. Even if you are a very busy human being, check in on your sub many times throughout the day. If you are not a very busy human being, spend even MORE time giving them your attention and focus. There are so many things that your simple presence and attention will give to your submissive that will foster her trust and further submission to you, that will wilt in an extended absence from you. 

2. Get to work on providing them with structure using rules and tasks, providing this is something they crave from you. (The grand majority of submissive’s do crave those things) These ingredients are best used to keep your submissive evolving in the direction you see fit, and well adjusted. Rules can be created to help guide health, organization, and goals, as well as to keep your dynamic intimate and exciting. Tasks can be created to help assure your submissive follows these rules. For example, if your submissive is stressed because they have trouble keeping their room tidy, you can establish a rule that states their room needs to remain clean and organized, and establish tasks like laundry, vacuuming, or organizing drawers throughout the week to see that will be followed. 

rope and photo by TheRopeGeek (@thebeautyofrope)

144 here. If you look under the #calibration tag on @instructor144 you’ll see some stuff on pain, Also search my blog for a piece titled “1-10″ which explains a process I call “calibration,” fine tuning the degree of pain you inflict on your woman. That would be a good process to do with her, because a) you’ll get a detailed sense of what her pain tolerance is and b) given your reticence to inflict deep pain, you’ll feel like you are “in control” of the process. If she needs pain, then part of your responsibility as her Dom is to feed that need. I will tell you this: the first time you hit her hard and you hear that ecstatic “Oh fuck yeah!” you might suddenly find yourself … kinda liking doing it to her. ;)

Parts of me

A difficult situation, but at least he’s trying to come to the party.

One way around this is for you to spend some time on here, literotica or something similar and collect a bunch of fantasy stories that you wouldn’t mind being in. Present these all to him, including a paragraph or two of each one about what really turns you on about the writing. What he’s after is inspiration. It sounds like this wouldn’t come naturally to him, but he’s willing to try to Top, he just needs some help.

Additionally you should write up your list of ok activities, soft and hard limits, so he knows exactly what he can play with.

Also give him a list of good websites/blogs that deal with scene safety, so when he does choose something, he can research what things he should know. If you have any friends who are Dominants who are willing to discuss this or guide him a little- he’d probably appreciate that too.

My advice is keep the fantasies/scenes fairly simple, don’t set him up to fail, but give him many options, so you don’t feel like you’re directing everything.

After the scene is over, remember aftercare for you both. He’ll need reassurance too.

Hope you both have fun, and you never know where this may lead. 😊