Chaitali

I miss you already.

Which is a ridiculous sentence, because there's a very real possibility we haven't even met yet. Although, if statistics are to be believed—and considering we're living in the age of social media, mutual friends, and algorithms that somehow know I need a new frying pan before I know—I wouldn't be surprised if we've crossed paths a dozen times already. Maybe you liked one of my posts in 2022 and kept scrolling. Maybe we stood in the same coffee queue. Maybe you once complained about the weather while I was two people behind you, wondering why the line wasn't moving.

Wouldn't that be funny?

I miss conversations we haven't even had.

I miss dramatically summarizing the plot of whatever romance novel I'm reading while insisting, every five minutes, "No, wait, you need context," until what was supposed to be a two-minute story turns into an hour-long lecture about fictional people you'll somehow know by name. You'll pretend you're only half listening, but then, three chapters later, you'll ask, "Didn't the duke say something suspicious?" and I'll know I have you hooked.

I miss sending you memes from the other room instead of simply walking over. I miss arguing over what to order for dinner only to end up ordering both. I miss saying, "Listen to this one paragraph," and accidentally reading you three pages because the author was really cooking.

Mostly, though, I miss having a person to bring the ordinary parts of my day to. Someone who'll never think, "Why is she telling me this?" because to him, the story matters simply because it happened to me.

So wherever you are, I hope life is being kind to you. Try not to keep me waiting too long.

Until our paths finally stop missing each other,

I miss your voice. I miss how ridiculously easy it was to laugh with you. God, it's been so long since I've laughed like that. And then I realized something that hurts even more—it had been so long before you, too. Maybe you didn't just make me laugh. Maybe you reminded me that I still could.

And no, before anyone gets it wrong, it's not the romance I miss. To hell with that. I don't miss having someone to love. I miss having you.

I miss the one person who just... got me. The one person with whom I could be an absolute dork without translating myself first. We could spend an hour arguing about Swedish versus Swahili despite neither of us speaking either language. We could question cephalosporins as if we were about to rewrite pharmacology textbooks, only to end up laughing at how confidently wrong we both were. Every conversation wandered into some wonderfully pointless corner of the universe, and somehow, it always felt like the best part of my day.

You never made me feel like I was "too much." Too nerdy. Too curious. Too talkative. Too intense. With you, I never had to edit myself into someone more digestible.

That's what I miss.

Not the butterflies. Not the almost-love. Not the possibility of what we could have been.

I miss feeling understood.

It’s giving chicken sitting in a cozy little coop, headphones on, peacefully watching KFC ASMR on loop like “mmm yes, the crunch, the seasoning, he’s kind of misunderstood.” Babe. That is you being made into dinner. Not your boyfriend.

Meanwhile, there are perfectly available hobbies. Books. Sports. Literally an athlete who is alive, sweats normally, and does not have a criminal documentary trilogy. And yet somehow we’ve chosen this.

Not because you make it hard — that’s the problem. You make it look effortless. The way you care, the way you show up, the way you say my name like it belongs somewhere safe. Loving me seems to come to you as easily as breathing. Like you don’t even have to think about it. And I keep wondering… what if I don’t know how to do it like that?

What if I hesitate where you’re certain? What if I overthink where you’re steady? What if I hurt you without meaning to? I’m so used to guarding my heart like it’s something fragile and breakable, and you’re just standing there with open hands like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Sometimes I catch myself softening around you. Staying a little longer. Smiling at messages I pretend didn’t matter. And that’s when the fear creeps in — कि हो ना जाये प्यार तुमसे मुझे. What if this turns into something that consumes me? What if loving you undoes me completely?

I tell myself to be careful. To stay aware. To not let my heart run ahead of my mind. But it’s strange… for someone who’s so scared, I’m already memorizing the way you laugh. Already noticing when you’re quiet. Already caring more than I planned to.

I’m scared this could ruin me.

But Jane Austen’s men? Entirely different species.

Captain Wentworth does not yearn loudly. He does not hover, or chase, or beg the universe to intervene. He leaves. He lives. He lets time pass, lets pride and hurt coexist with memory. And when he writes “I am half agony, half hope,” it isn’t melodrama — it’s restraint cracking under years of discipline. The agony is loving someone enough to stay away when you believe you are no longer wanted. The hope is daring to continue to love despite knowing exactly what it costs. It is emotional courage, not desperation.

“My child,” Mr. Bennet tells her once, smiling in that half-amused, half-tired way of his, “let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life.” It is not a command. It is a plea — tender, almost shy — and it tells Elizabeth everything she needs to know. Her happiness matters. Her judgment matters.

When Darcy asks for her hand, Mr. Bennet does not ask about estates or incomes. He asks Elizabeth if she loves him. And when she says yes, really yes, his relief is unmistakable. He laughs, he teases, but underneath it is something profoundly gentle: a father letting go because he trusts his daughter.

Elizabeth grows bold in a house full of noise because her father gives her stillness. He listens. He understands. He sees her mind and never asks her to make it smaller.

When you write something you always knew was waiting inside you, it doesn’t arrive like inspiration. It arrives like recognition. Each word feels preordained, yet choosing it costs you something cellular. Your hands move, your breath changes, your heart learns a new rhythm. Dopamine spikes, cortisol hums, memory and meaning collide—and somewhere between sentences, your brain quietly rewires itself.

This isn’t catharsis. Catharsis implies release. This is initiation.

You feel it in the way your body resists the next line, as if it understands the consequence before your mind does. You feel it when the sentence lands too cleanly, too truthfully, and you have to pause—not because you’re unsure, but because you are suddenly exposed to yourself. Writing like this strips away the version of you that existed before the paragraph began.

When you finish, nothing looks different. The room is the same. The page is the same. But you aren’t. You’ve metabolized a truth your nervous system can’t unlearn.

And that’s the quiet terror and privilege of it: you didn’t just write the words.

Everyone else says it too. That it’s obvious you love me. That anyone with eyes could see it. And yet… somehow, I can’t seem to believe it.

Not because you’ve done anything wrong. Not because she has.

But because there’s a corner of my heart that is convinced I am replaceable. That one day, you might wake up and realise someone softer, someone calmer, someone easier to love exists — and you’ll let go of my hand without even noticing.

So when I see you with her, it’s not anger. It’s fear — deep, old, and bone-deep.

You’ll find someone who picks up your calls at the most inconvenient hour — half-asleep, groggy, confused — but still there, because it’s you. And if they ever miss a text, it’ll be because they were genuinely sleeping, not because their attention was scattered elsewhere. Their presence will feel steady, not selective.

You’ll find someone who reads between the lines effortlessly, someone who doesn’t need you to explain the tremor in your voice or the pause before your “I’m fine.” Someone who understands your insecurities without demanding a backstory you’re not ready to give. They’ll honor them because those insecurities are part of the map that leads to you. Part of the life that shaped you.

Sometimes they won’t even understand why something so small hurt you so deeply — but they’ll love you for being open about it instead of flinching away. They’ll apologize even when it cost them more, not out of weakness, but out of awareness — an understanding that in that moment, you needed reassurance more than they needed to be right.

And you’ll do the same.

Birthdays are a big deal for me. Always have been. Maybe because they’re the one day I believe the universe pauses — just a little — to celebrate that someone like you exists. So yes, when your day comes, I’ll plan it down to the very last detail. Not because I have to, but because I’ll want to. Even if you’re an introvert who prefers quiet corners over crowds, I’ll make sure it’s the kind of celebration that feels like you — soft, warm, and full of the little things that make you smile without realizing it. Maybe your favorite breakfast waiting before you wake up. A playlist I’ve secretly been curating for months. A handwritten note slipped between your coffee mug and your morning newspaper.

I don’t know how to love halfway. I never have. When I love, it’s all or nothing — the kind that seeps into the spaces between ordinary moments. I’ll remember the exact way your eyes light up when you talk about something you love, the tone of your voice when you’re tired, the way you breathe when you finally fall asleep after a long day. I’ll want to make your world lighter, softer, calmer — not because it’s perfect, but because you’ll deserve to feel loved without conditions, without calculation, without pause.

So, when I say I’ll love you, know that it won’t be tentative or quiet. It’ll be in the way I show up — every single time — even on the days you think you don’t need anyone. Especially then. I’ll be the person who remembers the small things. The one who makes your favorite tea just right. The one who celebrates you even when you forget to celebrate yourself.

Until then, I’m somewhere between patience and prayer — learning, healing, and waiting for the day our paths finally cross.

With all the love I haven’t yet given,

Yours — someday, but completely,

I don’t even need you to say it out loud. I see it. In the way your habits bend when I’m around, in the way you soften without meaning to. I notice how you, the one who never stays up past 11, are suddenly wide awake at 2 a.m., telling me stories about your childhood, about the oddest little details like why you preferred the British over the Mughals in history class. It’s not about the topic; it’s about the fact that you let me in where no one else ever has.

I see it in your smile too. You, the person who is infamous for never smiling, who keeps the world at arm’s length with that quiet, unreadable expression. But with me, it slips — the corners of your mouth curve into something real, something unguarded. That smile isn’t for the world. It’s mine. And I know it, even if you never confess.

But what really makes me pause is the way my smallest actions ripple into you. One bad day for me, one forgotten smile, and suddenly I notice you’re off. You didn’t eat lunch because I didn’t. You were short with everyone else because I forgot to look your way. And that’s when it hits me — being someone’s crush isn’t just about stolen glances or butterflies. It’s about responsibility, too. Because my moods, my silences, even my carelessness, they touch you in ways I never intended.

And honestly? That scares me a little. Because I never asked for that kind of power, but here it is. And yet, a part of me finds it achingly beautiful. To be seen like this. To be held in someone’s heart so carefully, so fully, without conditions.

So here I am, writing to you, even if I never hand you this letter. To say: I see you. I notice you. I may not know what to do with the weight of your affection yet, but I honor it. I honor the way you love in the quiet shifts of habit and the smallest sacrifices.

And maybe that’s the most extraordinary kind of love — the one that doesn’t need to be spoken, because it’s written in everything you do.

With love,

I have this habit—you’ll find out soon enough—of clicking random pictures at the most random moments. Not the pretty ones for Instagram, not the ones with the golden-hour lighting or picture-perfect smiles. No. I’ll click when you’re doing absolutely nothing at all. When you’re slouched on the couch, staring blankly at your laptop screen, hair sticking out in five directions. When you’re scribbling notes in your terrible handwriting, not even looking up. When you’re just existing.

Because I think those are the moments people never notice. The ordinary, nothing-special moments that somehow feel like everything. Like proof that you’re real and you’re mine and I got to see you in the spaces no one else does.

And, full disclosure, I am a certified crybaby. The tiniest thing can set me off—a random book quote, a dog video, a song lyric that hits just right. But I’ll never cry in front of you. No. I’ll go cry in the bathroom like a dramatic movie heroine, wash my face, and then casually tell you later, “Oh yeah, I cried about it,” as if I didn’t just fall apart two hours ago. You’ll probably look at me like I’ve lost it.

Also… if I ever have to stay away from you for more than 24 hours? I will cry. Like, actual tears. But you won’t know. Instead, I’ll send you memes. The stupidest, dumbest memes I can find. Because somehow, “I miss you” feels less terrifying to say if it’s hidden behind a sad cat or a random Spongebob joke. It’ll be my little secret way of saying, “Hey, I miss you so much it aches, but here’s a frog on a unicycle instead.”

I think that’s what loving you will be like for me—messy, quiet, a little ridiculous, but so full it overflows anyway. Like trying to keep the ocean in my hands, failing miserably, and laughing about it with you.

So yeah. That’s me. Your chaotic, crybaby, meme-sending, random-picture-clicking wife-in-progress.

Signing out before I get any cheesier,

It’s like my mind flips a switch too soon. I’m still there, still in the moment, but some part of me has already placed it in a glass case labeled past. So I watch myself living it in real time, but with the detachment of someone replaying an old home video. The laughter, the sunsets, the inside jokes—they’re happening, but in my head, they’re already ghosts.

And with people, it’s worse. If I know there’s an expiry date, I start loving them like they’re already about to leave instead of like they’re still here. I start rationing my heart, pulling back piece by piece, so when the end comes, there’s less left to break.

Except all it leaves me with is regret. Because while I was busy preparing for the goodbye, I forgot to fully live the hello, the middle, the now.