Under the chains

"Yeah… It’s not you… It’s me.” “I just don’t think we are the right fit.”

How many times can you hear it? How many times can you nod, make an understanding face, and be left alone? You knew dating was hard, and you’ve put yourself out there, but you’ll do what you can to just stop doing what you’ve done so many times in the past, and try to find someone.

“I just feel we are a bit different.”

“Can we be friends?”

For so long, you were trying apps, through friends, through relatives. Nothing sticked. Nothing matched. Every time you got rejected, you felt a squeeze in your gut. Close to the feeling of needing to go. There were those rare times when you got to touch another body. It’s been a long time since you’ve touched your own, not directly. But then you’ve been touched as well, and after that touch, it ended every single time.

“You know what? Maybe not now.”

“Maybe not here.”

“Haha, oh wow. Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

You knew what it all meant. On those occasions, after they wrapped it up, you said “Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom real quick.”

Over the toilet, you took a long, weak piss. You needed to piss, but not there. You wanted to piss, in your diapers back home.

You wanted your diapers so bad. They don’t reject you, they accept you. They are not cold to you, they are warm.

They are comfortable and put you at ease.

But you said you are done with it! You said they are pulling you back from a normal life. Don’t you want to feel a real grip down there?

No. It’s much easier just to be yourself.

At home, you pulled out one thick diaper from a pack that you hid inside your closet. You throw the pack you stored at the front, but you always had a backup one. Because you knew, you knew you’ll be back in your diapers. It’s just who you were.

In the morning, you woke up in a wet diaper. You don’t remember when you woke up to wet, but there it was. It felt so good, it felt like you. From your back to your stomach, you switched positions. For every “no”, you humped. For every rejection, you humped. For every mocking laugh, you humped. Lying in bed, wearing a wet diaper, you humped. It didn’t make you sad, it made you hard. It did make you go faster, humping your wet diaper.

Maybe all of them were right. Maybe they saw something, but didn’t have the words for it. But you knew the words, you knew what you were.