I knew the moment I returned to North Carolina from college that Drevonn would want to see me. He was going to be home for a month before having to return back to Alabama for football summer training, so we were supposed to be spending that time together as much as possible. Although I did miss him, my attitude towards our relationship had changed. While I was in Maryland for college, I met this openly gay guy named Reggie and we really clicked. We had absolutely everything in common and like me, he was vers. So, we developed this friendship that turned into a sexual relationship and by the end of freshman year, we caught feelings for each other. A part of me felt like shit for cheating on Drevonn, but I actually didn’t see a difference between what I did and what he always did when he’d have sex with girls to keep up his reputation. I’d soon find out that it was much deeper than that.
“Dre, I am tired,” I said over the phone to Drevonn. “I worked all day today at the mall.”
“You’ve been back all week and I ain’t seen you once,” he said back on the other end. “Come on, Kel. I thought we were gonna spend time together, boo?”
“We are. I just…I feel like we’ll have plenty of time to be together.”
“See, you say that now and then the next thing I know I’m goin’ back to Alabama without gettin’ some ass from my boo.”
I laughed and asked, “Is that all you think about?”
“Yes. You know I love the way that booty grip my dick. I can’t wait to shoot my babies all in that pretty ass. I’ma get you pregnant this summer.”
I laughed again and told him, “Boy, you are so crazy.”
“I’m at the park up the street from my house. Ain’t nobody out here. Drive out this way.”
“So, we’re gonna have sex in the park now?”
“Nah, I just wanna see you.”
“Come on, Kellan. Please.”
I thought about it for a little while before telling him, “Alright, but we’re just gonna talk. I need to talk to you about some stuff anyway.”
“Cool. Wear one of them cutoff tops that show off your cute stomach. I love that shit.”
“I love you, too, Drevonn.” I ended the call and went over to my dresser to pull out some clothes to throw on since I was lying around in my underwear and a tank top. I grabbed one of my crop tops and a pair of shorts and put them on.
My relationship with Drevonn Simms started during our eleventh-grade year. He’d been throwing hints whenever we were around each other and taking up for me whenever the other football players called me a fag, but it wasn’t until the eleventh grade that he finally told me he liked me. It was on a cold night after a football game in October when he offered to give me a ride home because I was walking by myself. Instead of taking me home, he parked the truck in a Burger King parking lot and told me he’d been thinking about me a lot and that even though he didn’t consider himself gay, he wanted to be my boyfriend. It was cute and confusing all at the same time and I was a virgin looking for my first boyfriend, so I gave in.
As I headed to the park to meet up with him, I thought about how I was going to tell him that I’d started something with someone else. I didn’t want to hurt him but I kept telling myself that he’d understand. He had sex with so many girls and talked to girls on his Instagram all the time. We did have a conversation before going off to college but it was pretty much one-sided. He didn’t want to classify his sleeping with random girls as cheating because he was only doing it to keep people from knowing he was with me. I didn’t even bring up the fact that I felt like I should’ve been able to see other guys. We’d argued before and I have hit him before but he’s never hit me. I was a little scared that if I told him about Reggie he’d knock me out or something.
“Damn, I missed you,” he said while hugging me. “I can’t believe we ain’t seen each other since Christmas.” He kissed the side of my face as he kept his arms wrapped around me.
“I missed you, too,” I told him before finally pulling back.
He looked me up and down and said, “Look at them sexy long legs. I missed yo tall ass, boo. Almost the same height as me, damn.” He put his hand on my ass and started feeling on it.
“Dre, I thought we were gonna talk?”
“We are but damn, you know I had to feel on that ass.”
“I’m sure you’ve been smacking your teammates’ asses all the time.”
“That ain’t the same. My tongue ain’t never been up in they booty like it’s been in yours.” He grabbed my hand and said, “Come on, let’s go talk in my truck.”
We went over to his truck and climbed inside together. Immediately, he started kissing and touching on me. I gotta admit, it felt good as fuck and my dick was getting hard. I could feel how much he missed me in his kisses. Still, he needed to know the truth and even though I hated to ruin the mood, I had to be honest. So I put my hand up to his mouth to keep him from kissing him and told him bluntly, “I’ve been seeing somebody else.”
He smiled for a second and asked, “What you mean?”
“Dre, I met somebody at Calhoun University.”
“You mean like a friend or somethin’?”
“You went out on some dates with him because you were bored? Was it like that?”
“No. Dre, we had sex a few times.”
When I told him that, he gasped a little before asking, “You cheated on me?”
“Not really. I mean, you have sex with girls all the time.”
“That’s different, Kellan!”
“How? Are you or are you not fucking them?”
“I don’t care about them. I don’t love them. Fuck, Kel! I can’t believe you would do some shit like this!”
“Yeah, because this is fucked up. I don’t fuck bitches just because I want to. I do it so I can keep playin’ football and so nobody won’t get suspicious.”
“You’re bisexual, Drevonn. I know you’re attracted to those girls they give you something that I can’t.”
“You think this is because you don’t have a pussy? Kellan, I love you! I don’t love anybody the way I love you, bae. You know that. So, you need to call that nigga you met at Cal U and tell him you got somebody.”
“I’m not doing that. If you’re gonna keep messing around with girls then I’m gonna keep seeing Reggie.”
“You keep seein’ him and I might just pop up at Cal U next semester and snap his neck.”
“Drevonn, this isn’t fair. I’m supposed to just sit and wait for you while you’re constantly having sex with girl after girl?”
“Are you only with me for the sex?”
“Then you don’t have a point.”
“I don’t have a point? You cheat on me all the time!”
“Nigga, it ain’t cheatin’! Fuck, I swear you about to make me…”
“What? You’re gonna hit me?”
He calmed down and admitted, “I don’t like that you were with somebody else because I was your first and your only.”
“I am serious, Kel. Now, you need to cut ol’ boy loose because I’m your boyfriend, not him.”
“Well, maybe I want a boyfriend that can be with me all the time and not just some of the time. Maybe I want somebody who will be with me and only me.”
“You don’t think I want that? Baby, football is payin’ for me to go to school. You think I wanna go pro and shit? I don’t. I just wanna go to school and get my degree. It ain’t forever. Me and you, we’re forever. But I can’t be cool with you lettin’ some other nigga fuck you.”
“He doesn’t just fuck me. I fuck him, too.”
“So, that’s what this is about?”
“No, but it does make me more compatible with him.”
“I can’t believe you right now. I really can’t.” He shook his head and asked, “So, you cheated on me…”
“Well, then that means you cheat on me, too. If you really want us to fix this then you need to be real, Drevonn.”
“What do you want me to do? Huh? You want me to come out and tell people that I’m bi? You want me to give up football and college?”
“I want you to be my boyfriend!”
“I am! Damn, you really fuckin’ with my head right now! Shit!” He punched his steering wheel, making his horn go off once. He calmed down again and asked me, “Do you care about this other nigga?”
“Not the way I care about you. But I’m not sure how much longer I can care about you when you really don’t care about me.”
“Oh my God, bruh.” He put his hands up to his face.
“Dre, I’m not trying to be mean to you but…” I stopped when I heard him sobbing. “Drevonn, are you crying?”
He turned away from me and answered quickly, “No,” before sobbing again.
“Drevonn, I’m honestly not trying to be mean right now. I just…I thought I could handle you being with girls but I can’t. You’ve hooked up with so many of them, yet I get with one other dude and you can’t handle it. Do you see how I feel?”
“It ain’t the same yo!” He finally turned back to face me, showing the tears that were streaming down his face. “But fuck it, you wanna dump me then go ahead. I don’t care!” His voice cracked and he coughed a few times as more tears fell from his eyes.
I’d be lying if I said his crying wasn’t breaking my damn heart. I was still pissed at him but I felt like shit for making him cry. I’d never seen him cry before so it was a little overwhelming watching him break out into a full bawl. He said something incoherent in between his sobs.
“I said I think I’m gonna throw up,” he said more coherently.
“Oh my God, Drevonn. Take a deep breath and calm down.” I rubbed his back and offered, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t say no shit like that to me, man. I do care about you. You don’t think I feel guilty enough as it is? I can’t be like you, Kellan. I can’t be out and shit. You don’t think I wanna tell the world that I love you?”
“I said I was sorry. And I’m sorry if it seems selfish…”
“It is selfish! I told you from jump how it was gonna have to be between us. I never lied to you.” He wiped his tears and calmed back down before telling me, “I can’t come out, Kel.”
“That’s not what I want.”
“I can slow down with the girls. I can try to do better, baby. I’ll work on all that just please…” He got choked up again. “Kel, I’m beggin’ you. You know how I feel about you. You got me cryin’ and shit. This shit ain’t fake. I’m damn near about to throw up right now.”
I looked away from him for a second and took a deep breath before looking back and saying, “I just don’t know right now. Baby, I love you. I just don’t know if I can keep putting myself through cycles of depression because I have to see you on Instagram and Snapchat with random bitches all the time. I get so depressed when I see that shit and when I’m with Reggie…”
“I don’t wanna hear about him no more.”
“Drevonn, when I’m with him I feel better. So, we need to renegotiate this whole thing. If we’re really going to be together then both of us should be happy.”
“If you let him fuck you again, then I’m not gonna be happy.”
“Well, I can’t give you a definite answer on us then. I’m sorry.”
“You’re gonna leave me over some stupid bitches that don’t even matter?” He tilted his head back against his seat as tears fell from his eyes again.
Now tears were filling my eyes and I could feel my breath shortening. I stared at him and told him, “Sometimes, relationships go through different seasons, baby. Maybe this is our off-season.”
He grabbed his chest and continued to cry as he asked me, “What am I gonna do without you? You’re the only person that knows me.”
“And you’re the only person that knows me inside and out, Drevonn. I feel like you’re my soulmate but at the same time, it’s like you don’t belong to me. Do you know how fucked up that feels?” I wiped my tears and calmed myself before continuing, “I love you and this isn’t a breakup. I promise you it isn’t. Maybe with a break, we can reevaluate this whole thing. We need to step back before making any major commitments because making a commitment is supposed to be forever and we’re not ready for that yet. Clearly, we’re not ready for it.”
After almost an hour of crying with him and reassuring him that everything was going to be okay, we had emotional sex in the cab of his truck. I didn’t look at it as pity sex or goodbye sex, it was more like making love to my boyfriend who was going to continue being my boyfriend even though we were going to be on break. I had no intentions of getting serious with Reggie, but I was going to keep dating him and having sex with him. But my heart belonged to Drevonn.
“You know,” he said to me as we put our clothes back on, “you’re still the only person I have sex with without rubbers.”
“Same,” I said to him, making us both laugh. “But seriously, when you go back to Alabama next month for summer training, hook up with as many girls as you want.”
“Kel, baby, no girl will ever compare to you. Never forget that you’re my first love, too. I ain’t never said I love you to none of the girls I’ve been with. I’ve never even had a girlfriend. But I love you enough to respect you. I’m pissed and I’m probably gonna cry about this whenever I’m alone, but I can’t do nothin’ but respect what you want. I’m the one that fucked up.”
“Nah, it’s my fault. I know it is. I can admit that. But boo, I don’t care how long it takes, I will make this right. It’s like you said, our relationship has seasons and we’re in an off-season right now. I’m gonna have to deal with you bein’ with that other nigga. I’m gonna have to trust that you won’t get serious with him. I’m not gonna make you make me a promise but I do want you to know that I don’t blame you and I’m not mad at you.”
“We can check-in after the summer and during each break throughout semesters.”
“Yeah, talk over the phone or some other way to make sure we’re both still on the same page.”
“Okay, I’m cool with that.”
“I also want you to call me anytime you feel like you really need to talk to me. I don’t care how late at night it is, Dre, call me.”
I finished getting dressed before saying, “I better get home. I need to soak in the tub with some Epsom salt after taking that dick with just spit as lube. Got me all sore.”
He smiled and said, “I’m sorry, boo.”
“Yeah, sure you are. You didn’t nut in me like you were sorry. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Baby, wait.” He grabbed my hand and placed something in it.
I looked down to see it was his high school class ring. I looked back into his eyes and asked, “Why are you giving me your class ring?”
“Drevonn, I can’t keep this. It’s important.”
“You’re more important. Give it back to me when the time is right. It’ll be somethin’ for you to remember me with so that you’ll know I’m always thinkin’ about you.”
“And what’s going to make you think about me?”
“Kel, you’re gonna be on my mind every single second you’re not physically with me. I can promise you that, boo.” He leaned over and kissed my lips for a few seconds before pulling back and telling me, “Go on ahead and get your cute ass out my truck before I change my mind.”
I giggled and told him, “I love you.”
“I love you more. Goodnight, baby.”
I climbed out of his truck and went back to my car. We both drove away from the park in opposite directions. It wasn’t until I was home in the tub that I finally allowed myself to let it all out. I cried harder than I’d ever cried in my life. Still, a part of me was happy. We’d finally reached some form of an understanding and even though we were taking a break from the relationship, it was something we were both willing to give a try. One thing I finally knew for sure was that relationships could be complicated. You honestly never know what season ends up changing everything, for better or worse.
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
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