Lets pretend I know what's happening

I told you I shouldn't, but still did anyway

Now hay-fever, won't, stay, at bay

And again, im alone, on a stuffed summers day

You asked me for too much and gave me little left

Only enough to write this song on my last breath

Death feels closer and warmer to me, than the closeness you claimed would help set me free

I didnt trust my body

I barely trust my mind

Still they come to save me again

So I'm not left behind

Finally misplacing feelings I cant hide

Ill live in denial till loves request is supplied

But watch your wake, for i can scare you away, with a single, drop of tear, suddenly you cant stay

To show my loved ones they were higher up than myself

And on this shelf carefully I placed, every memory and trinket

Till my love offered me poisoned tea and lovingly said, drink it

You cannot cut your dress to give me pieces of yourself

For i long for blood and flesh, I hunger for nothing else

I took apart my ribcage filled it with reminders and notes

So that you could always be happy and me full of hope

But i cant cure your sickness

And i won't make your bed

Ill love you harder than anyone till the blood runs red

You ask for another so I reach up to my shelf, I find all the bottles emptied and begin to drain myself.

Write harder write harder use the blood for ink, write pages of emotions till you feel yourself sink.

Drowning in my own blood that I bled for you yet a rivers worth wouldn't fill the desires you continue to request

I could untangle your hair the knots in your back till my hands are raw, angrily you'd stand and ask what I stopped for

I am here to uplift moods, listen for as long as it takes and never allow my own emotions or feelings regarding what I do show

I am here to resolve all troubles, all pains

I like boat rides where you can be on deck and enjoy the wind.

I love the sounds of waves, I used to do them on keyboard slowly doing each note, imagining a shoreline ebbing, waving.

I miss looking through leaves when the sun hit them just right.

I miss grabbing random sticks and making holes in dirt

I like finding cosy hobbit like holes, not dirty but earthy, soft and somehow cool but warm. The places theyd hide preachers were pretty comfortable, the ones I tried at least

I like cool rags over my eyes, I love watching people discover themselves.

I love my cats soft ears and my bunnys fluffy cheeks. The way they're both excited to see me, they dont feel the bad mood they just want fuss and food. Simple things easily asked for. Easily supplied.

I love the smell of porridge oats and honey, cinnamon, ylang ylang, lychee. Rose incense, anything to do with anime really. Even the ones for younger audiences, there was always some beautiful story to be found amongst all the strangeness.

I love when my brain is engaged and I can learn and talk through things on my less foggy days the feeling of really understanding something, turning it over in your head, examining the possibilities, how things are associated.

I love fluffy blankets and herbal teas, I love reading while the sun shines and it makes the pages look warm.

I love when people's faces crumple and soften with emotion, not because they're sad, because its such a human expression. And yet animalistic and raw still.

I love when laughter is light, when its painful.

I love having my face gently grabbed as if fragile. I love my hair being styled or messed with.

I love poetry and warm rain and abandoned houses, I love the sky no matter what despite my fear of its endlessness.

Two sentence horror 🖤

Id love love love for it to be "hey baby gimme a cuddle" or "cmere" even. But its a 3 hour long lecture on how I make you feel unloved instead. I dont want you enough while youre telling me I do nothing for you, when to me ive been shifting continents. Ive cancelled jobs because things are uneasy. I dont give enough attention but haven't had head in a year. And its my fault for not asking but if I ask him what can I do? I need to be more considerate, I need to think. So I opt for flirting, comforting, happy energy to change the vibe. For days im waking up to energy I can do nothing for or with. No matter what I say or do it is water off a ducks back. I dont make impact. I feel so fucking small from trying to bring you up. Ive been crushed. Putting all that guilt and sadness on to me then telling me its fine for us to manage each other's emotions. Like I haven't been for four days.

I am so close to swallowing yellow paint, that i might bleed out enough happiness for him, that some be left for me.

When he left today I realised I could cook, I could sing. I could exist freely. I could express joy and not feel like id stollen it from him. Like my happiness wouldn't taint the oppressive building energy, tempt it into something worse.

Apparently i say nothing. I am swallowing so much anger and frustration and for what. For a shift in energy as soon as that girl who clearly likes you goes through a break up.

You say your heads hell. You hang up twice, three, four times, accusing me of actions and intents I never had nor did. When can I finish a sentence and feel heard. I feel so alone and have for ages, youre not the only one confused and hating these weird shifts but its not me creating them. Like your friend said " why do men expect us to want to fuck them when they've been arseholes". You want me to want to fuck you but do nothing speaking to that. You can be the nicest guy but that doesnt equate to a spark. Feeling seen. Feeling loved and heard.

I dont want to fuck this pathetic mess to be honest. Youre sad because you didnt get the bang you felt you deserved on holiday. I haven't had that shit in months, talking about bringing A game like youve brought any game.

Hear your words again, your voice is in my head

Try not to cry over lost sleep

Instead im crying from what u said

Now i just dont know

How we're gonna talk

Everything i liked about you, now seems so very small

Im looking to the future but I cant see anything at all

Waking up again, from nightmares I cant escape, every moment, every breath, is another second for you to take

The warmth is going cold

Trying to read your soul, and, finding a hole instead, being left for dead

Everytime I, cant read inside your head,

I hear your words again,

But I cant understand

Wrong for right, nothings black and white wishing, we could restart but then,

Something said feels a little cruel suddenly I feel a fool

Wearing your heart on your sleeve, paints a target on you, that's full of grief, you took my time, just like a theif and I simply cant believe

How wrong ive been

Blindly trust falling again

Into the lions den

Im tearing up- im falling apart

Covered now in marks no one can see, except everyone still just sees me

Mom says shes sad to see me bleed, tells me im not just here to fulfil your needs but its never enough and I cannot breathe

Being strangled by, all I couldnt be, for you

Me and myself isn't enough and I dont think we'll ever be, but how can I tell you when its like you cant clearly see me through your thoughts, the projections are stronger than reality, and,

Depression played its part

And if you heard this song

You'd probably get mad

Tell me im misconstrued in whatever it is we had

I never understand anything, apparently, anymore

Didn't close but locked the door and threw away the key what a waste of all that dust caked in, so out of place

Silver linings (still)

Princess bride

Rat race

Friday

To wong foo( and thanks for everything)

Priscilla queen of the desert

Castle in the sky

Nausicaa valley of wind

Don't Be a Menace to South Central

Ive never enjoyed arguing it scares me. Yet slowly I'm learning from ours. It isn't a sense of diminishing like my nervous system believes and is used to.

Its incredibly painful, but my edge is sharper. Our fights tear me up but I realise the damage isn't from my partner like it usually would be. Im fighting monsters that aren't there anymore. Slowly I'm finding and accepting peace. Its very slow going. But again instead of being drowned in negativity or emotions I am at a point where I can step outside myself finally. I think it is time to alter my personality a little.

I haven't felt a deep sense to do this in some time, ive learnt to let words fall of me like im resistant to them. They cannot graze me. This is because I haven't felt in some time that I needed to intake much of my enviroment and had been trying to simply survive it.

But now i have a big space for me. I'm observing it in a confused manner for now. I feel like a porcupine that doesnt know how to let its spikes fall. Im used to having to out think in the moment to protect myself and yet now I need to let the spines down and listen. The problem with relationships is that my nervous system responds like a trigger happy unconscious sleeper agent that thinks everything incoming is going to be dangerous for my health. Fear is a crazy controller. It grips you and builds on false narratives irrationality becomes logical and dictates seemingly intelligent, foresight, predictability. This is in reality the thing that blinds you to the feelings of others and its exhausting going round and round with myself over it all. At this point in time I cannot get all of the versions of myself ive created to agree and its frustrating. Usually theres a sense of progress but now it feels like im aiming through pitch black fog.

I find fear in the chaos as well as hope in equal measure and can't decide which will drive me mad first. Probably just stress from both sides of my brain giving me a good wallop.

We aren't a rich family, all my games came preowned from months of saving. No one bought me games, it was all me and my £1 weekly pocket money plus some birthday money if I was lucky.

Being able to provide the childhood i felt was lost to me in part, is so rewarding. I remember praying someone would buy me a ds, an xbox, anything. We had no consoles growing up aside from a plug in and play with games like pacman. Later we were gifted a ps2 that was swiftly sold under our noses.

Wanting to be all loving but also wanting to protect myself from people who aren't looking through that lense.

Wanting to be angry and fiery to scare away any potential harm, to be finally safe and respected.

Never knowing if anger of softness will bring me the long anticipated times of peace.

Wishing people to love me for me while still changing and growing for the better

Change causes contradictions yet I dont wish to be a hypocrite

Wanting to be acknowledged but not perceived

Fearing laziness so much you never rest properly and punishing yourself for being overwhelmed

Just some of my contradictions I still battle with