survival is a talent

Steve couldn’t help the smile from spreading across his face. He noticed her hand on her lap and placed his lightly a top of hers. “So, don’t be nervous, okay? Trust me when I tell you that I would never let anything bad happen to you.”

It was a red light, Steve braked the car to a stop and looked over at Cece. “Can I ask you something, and you answer me in complete honesty?” he kept his eyes on her. “Do you trust me?”

“You can say it, yknow,” he grabbed the wheel with both hands instead of leaving the one, just to make her feel a bit safer. “I know you’re scared because of what happened before… with Spencer.”

Steve didn’t move away from her this time, instead he just stood still. He still refused to meet her gaze. “I’m fine, Cece. I just gotta be alone for a while, okay?”

He couldn’t even look at her because he is so disappointed in himself. “I–I can’t. Okay?” he quickly wiped his face with the sleeve of his sweater, hoping she didn’t notice. “And if I.. God, if I ever hurt you…” he couldn’t even finish the sentence because he didn’t even want to think of such an awful thing.

“For what?” he said, moving back from Cece, his heart feeling heavy as he did so. “Just so I can hurt somebody else? What good would that do anyone?”

“I hurt him…” his voiced broke slightly, but he did his best to keep his composure. “I did it, me.” he shook his head. “I don’t care about what happens to me, but Spencer… How could he ever forgive me? I can’t.”

“You don’t have to. I know what I did and I have to live with that for the rest of my life, okay? You don’t have to babysit me to make sure I’m okay, I’m fine. I just— I know I fucked up, okay?”

“So what if you wrecked your car? Big deal! You and Spencer are both alive and that’s what it’s important. People mess up. I’ve messed up plenty of times in my life. But you have to stop this.. I can’t stand to see you like this, Steve. You can’t keep punishing yourself.”

“Then tell me. I want to hear it.”

“I.. I don’t blame you for what happened, Steve. No one does. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

He shook his head slightly, he didn’t know what to say. All he could do was keep crying and calling himself stupid under his breath. “I want to see him,” he said in a serious tone. He turned over to meet Cece’s gaze. “Where is he?”

He winced in pain once more after making the sudden movement of looking around to see if he could find Spencer anywhere. He calmed a bit one Cece said he was alright, but that was momentarily. Steve was quick to realize what he had done. Once the reality of the situation sank in, he began to sob. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he mumbled under his breath. 

It took a minute for the information to register in his brain. Suddenly, flashbacks from previous night played in his head. He had remembered getting into the car with Spencer. Oh god—Spencer! His eyes widened and he looked over at Cece with panic in his eyes. “Sp–Spencer. Wh-where’s Spencer?”

Steve felt a wave of relief when he heard that familiar voice, but it was very brief. When he tried speaking, he felt like his throat was on fire. He could hardly even get out a “Hi.” As the minutes passed, things began to become clearer. Steve knew two out of three things. He knew that he was in the hospital and that he was in an absolute tremendous amount of pain, but what he didn’t know is how he got there. “Wh–what happened?”