intimate detail

And made me soak them

You ran your tongue the length of me

And left handprint marks on my skin

You wrapped your weathered hands

Around the width of my hips

And you filled me entirely

You slammed, you kissed

You told me what you wanted

And commanded my delivery

This morning, you warmed my heart

And made it beat a little harder

You ran your eyes down the length of me

And left a mark on my heart

You wrapped your arms around me

And filled my soul with quiet happiness.

I didn’t know I liked it

When you beg for me

But you unlocked that

Last night

When you begged

For my tongue in the dark

“Please”, you moaned

And please, I did.

I love the way you speak,

The way your mouth forms a vowel.

I like when you tease me about anything

It makes me happy that you’re comfortable.

I love your scatterbrained chaos.

I think you need the planner like me.

I like to think I fill in all your empty spaces.

I like to think you fill mine.

Lying in the afterglow,

Speaking of ancient texts and

Life and death and pain

Of childhood and our wild oats

Religion and nature and science.

I’ve never met a more unique soul.

An unmatched vibe

A nomad to follow.

It’s what you are

And what you bring me.

Ancient and worldly.

You take bites of the universe

As you please.

A chaotic symphony,

A constant crashing of symbols

And a bridge to truths.

Not everything,

Not all at once,

Not up close.

I can see all small things you do

The man who isn’t a snuggler

Pulling me closer in the middle of the night

The silly side of you that I don’t

think many people get to see

Showing me your Grandma’s recipe

Someone I know you deeply loved

“I’m going to fix that bathroom for you

Next time I come”

That big, beautiful smile when your

Boots hit my front porch

How those muddy brown eyes

Just … mmm.

The way you speak to me,

Even when the conversation isn’t happy.

Old school morals,

ancient wisdom and

Down home loving.

That aren’t being said

Is a gift

The curse is not knowing which voice

To listen to.

This is love - one says.

This is being used - says another.

This is just a unique human - whispers one.

How hard it is to feel good

When all the voices you’ve heard before

Say you’re being lied to.

Say you’re not worthy of anything.

Say you’re delusional.

The inability to hear the sounds of truth

Is a curse.

Never let the world weigh on you.

Never let your past define your now.

Grow in the midst of death

And bloom in the darkness

If you must.

But if you should be replanted,

I hope it’s somewhere green.

I hope the rain feels like butterflies

Across your cheeks

And I hope you soak in every beautiful thing.

You’re a beautiful thing

And you deserve the loveliness

You bring.

He says, as his bare feet slide on my floor.

A royal pounding with a kiss to my forehead.

“Such a good girl”

As the tassels of his whip flay across my back

“Don’t move”

As if the ropes around my limbs would allow it

“Whose pussy is that?”

All yours, Daddy

“You’ve never been touched like this, have you?”

Kisses across my skin

And hands wrapped around my hair

His tongue finding places

that have never been found

Spreading and exploring and

Rhythmic movement I’ve never felt

And enjoyed so immensely

Hmm, how I adore those dark eyes

Under those thick lashes

And the way they light up my nights

“Which part of me do you want?”

“All of you”,

He said quietly.

And he proves it over and over

His hands roam across my hips

His eyes catch mine and soften

He picks on me with a boyish grin

He adorns me in gemstones

He pulls me close to his bare chest

And whispers “I’ve missed you”

His adoration is subtle

And in knowing him,

I know how big it really is.

Every little shred of how he treats me

Makes a magnificent mark on my heart

Or a volcano.

It isn’t being swept up in words

And hopes and dreams.

It’s a right here, right now kind of feeling.

It’s a “Let me drive two hours

To fix your car in thirty degree weather”

It’s a “You left you work clothes here,

So, I washed them for you along with my lingerie”.

It’s a “I’m heading your way” without asking

Because you know I stay ready for you.

It’s calm and steady

It’s reliable and present

It’s silent assurance

And having a man of action.

It’s the thing I didn’t know I needed.

An attraction I don’t understand

He speaks with his hands

And he proves in his actions

He pursues and comes after me

He doesn’t say a lot

But I know to listen when he does

And what he does say

Rolls through my head like thunder

And he clouds my vision

So all I can feel is him

He is careful and stern

And stares a hole through me

And I vibrate beneath him

Until I am happy alone.

I can’t bleed over people

Who didn’t cut me.

I can’t mistreat people

Just because they feel like strangers.

Settle in, love

The road to self love

Seems to be a lonely one

And you’ve never been good

At sitting with yourself.

But, it’s beyond time

And it’s beyond necessary.

Patterns repeating themselves

Letting toxicity bloom inside of me

I allow it.

I ask for it.

I should completely expect it.

I say I don’t want it

But, I see it on the horizon

And I spread my arms wide

And run towards it

For just that moment of relief

It will give me.

That sweet aroma of perfection

That I know isn’t real.

I want it anyway.

For just that moment

Right before the darkness comes.

That moment right before it starts to hurt

To burn

To ache

To steal the light from my eyes

And plunge me into blackness.

I think I find myself in the dark,

But I don’t.

I crawl right back out of the darkness

Grab toxicity by it’s departing heel

And I beg it to stay

Because it’ll love me for one more moment,

Beg

Beautiful

Break

Black

Repeat.

Was a good day.

I slept in.

I started a new show.

I read a couple of chapters.

I made food with my daughters.

We watched a movie.

We played outside.

I collected snail shells.

We met a new cat

And we named him Oscar.

I did a crossword puzzle.

We lived. Here. Now.

We loved. Here. Now.

And even when the silence

Closes in on me in the dark.

I am here. Now.

And I embrace myself.