This Is It.. Me..Untitled

I can't wait till Sunday and do the update about 'the boy and I' ... It's OVER and DONE with. It's so not healthy to be in such a 'relationship' where your not even in a proper official relationship. He was so toxic for me and as much as I resent myself for saying this... I do still very much love him but I HATE him at the same time also. He is very patronising and just a bully. Arg... I'm just so angry at myself for even letting it get this far.. I have told him to leave me alone, to stop calling me, stop messaging me but he hasn't and he won't. He will message me and I won't reply then he will message again something that he knows will grate me and I feel I have to message back in order to defend myself and get the last word so to speak. I think my rant is pretty much over.. I want to keep it short and clean other wise I could really go into one and I don't want to!!! Peace & love xox

A visit to LUSH... The best way to give yourself a little pamper session is to visit this place! LUSH have AMAZING products for all types of occasions so to speak! Prices range from £2 up to £20+ depending on what your looking for... There's fresh face masks for all skin types to shampoos and conditioners as well as what I think is the most popular products they sell.. BathBombs! There are SO many to choose from and they change seasonally but a few of my favourites are: 🌸BUTTERBALL 🌸THE COMFORTER 🌸DRAGONS EGG 🌸GRANNY TAKES A DIP I'll leave a link above to my favourites as well as a link to a store locator so you can search and find your closest store!

Well so much for doing a weekly update on the goings on of my on/off relationship. I'm such a hypocrite.. With all the goings on of what he did to me and me offering advice to anyone that has been in any sort of domestic violence relationship.. I know it's wrong and I should of let it be there and then after the police got involve but I find myself keep going back. What can I say.. I love the guy and in many ways he is like a drug. You know it's not good for you and you know the risks but once you've taken it, it's addictive and you keep going back for more. I do feel though that since all that has happened I am definitely stronger as a person.. Before I was weak and anything he said to put me down got me down- he would say Jump and I would ask how high? But I stick up for myself.. Anything I don't like I confront it- if he messes me around then I bite back (not literally..) I don't entertain any bullshit excuses. We still aren't together 'officially' but just hanging out although... A few weeks ago I got more messages and calls from the '1st GF' from way back in January saying he is calling/texting her then she sent me the over the conversation.. It wasn't too 'bad' but the fact that he was STILL in contact with her was upsetting enough so of course I confronted him. He didn't like it and tried to come up with excuses but that's when things changed. At this point I hadn't seen him in about 2 weeks and after this I stopped seeing him all together for about 6 weeks to show that I was serious. It's crazy. I know this is wrong for me and I KNOW I can do better but there's just that something that is holding me back.

I made this earlier on over a picture of myself. I think the both fit perfectly together. 'I am in charge of how I feel and today I choose happiness'

Since last week things between us both have been surprisingly ok.. Despite him saying he wants to 'smash my face in' but expressing it 'wasn't a threat' I've been able to express how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking- all my anger that's built up inside and make a stand that I'm not going to be waiting around and take any shit from him.. He has managed to take it like an adult and agree with my points and not have a go at me or anything like that- he tells me he misses me, loves me and wants to see me asap.. I'm ashamed to say it but I miss him and love him still.. But I know if I go back it could be ten times worst and shows my sign of weakness. It's like a trap to lure me in so he has me then that's when it goes horribly wrong. So far I'm not messaging him much any more I don't call him and I've taken A huge step back. It's hard. So VERY hard but you have to keep strong because you know it's right thing in the long run.

If your local or passing by check this pub out! it's right opposite the horse racing track

Today was my mums birthday - she turned 45 (though she doesn't look it!) so we went out locally to this country pub called the Darby Arms and I had this bad boy!!! It's a salted caramel chocolate pot with vanilla ice-cream, lemon-butter shortbread biscuits with strawberries.. Wow what a mouthful! But it was absolutely Devine!!

So Im going to call my weekly update about my 'relationship' CC v JB They are the initials of my name and various of his names. Since my last update there was a development in the 'case' between him and I.. I didn't want to pursue it any further like press charges because in the long run it would have worst repercussions for myself. But he voluntarily took himself to the station to give his side of the story- he admitted to assaulting me and sending me threatening messages so he was arrested and cautioned. Since then he has just been sending me horrible messages and today just more vile messages, via whatsapp- I would take a screen shot, crop it and post it but I don't want him to see I've read the message. He did say that he wants to and I quote: 'smash my face in... And no it's not a threat' What am I meant to say to that? I've tried to be nice and keep it amicable so that I don't get on the bad side of him but he has so much hatred for me because of this police situation. I'm not sorry that I spoke to them by telling them what happened as I do feel he has to be Cautious about what he does so in a way it's a bit of a safety net. If anyone that reads this, if anyone does and your going through the same situation do talk to someone- I wasn't strong enough to call the cops myself, a concerned friend did but it's always better to talk to them so they know what's going on. Take pictures, screen shots of messages or write things down- make a blog like I am so it's there is a record of things. Don't be afraid because if you don't speak out he or she will think they can get away with it and make take it a bit too far one day. Be strong and wise.

I have decided that I want to make this blog more positive and happy. I started it off as a way of me to get things off my chest so to speak- a place where I can just put how I'm feeling and what's going on in my personal life without anyone I knew judging me or having a go at me about what to do etc. but from now I'm going to put up things that I want to and do a weekly post about my personal relationship as an 'update' maybe staring from next week it will be a weekly thing on a Sunday.

The whole car journey was just a bit of an awkward silence apart from a few questions here and there.. When We got to his to drop him off I couldn't help but get emotional- I was trying so hard to hold back the tears and looked away to stare out the window but he knew I was upset and asked me but I said nothing. He asked me if I wanted a hug I said no even though I did really and he just took me and hugged me tightly. It was surprising, I didn't think he would as I said no but he did but this time round it wasn't like all the others. This one felt different like really genuine and caring. Nothing like I experienced before.

So it's currently 12.16AM and I write this from my car down by the riverside in Putney... I met up with him. It's been a week and a half since we last met and I thought maybe just maybe things might be ok.. We might be able to just hang out in each other's company but that's not the case. He's cold towards me- a bit moody and just not how I thought it was going to go. Saying things like why would I care if he had a girlfriend.. Or so what if he did have one. When your in love with someone hearing those types of things coming out their mouth cuts you like a knife. That's it for now. Let's just see how it goes from when he gets back into the car.