☆Hi☆

Okay so little update: I'm in 4na recovery and I'm actually doing WAY better than I was before. Idk but I feel soo much better with food, and I don't want to relapse for the first time in like forever? Yes not everything is great, my relationship with food is still very complicated, but I'm better. And it actually feels good. I feel more energised and I feel like I can Start healing other stuff too bcs I don't just starve the thoughts away when something bad happens.

I've been clean from $h for 3 months now, and I'm so proud of myself, I still have thoughts of harming myself, but I don't do it. Once you stop doing it, it gets easier every day to cope with your emotions in a healthy way. And I've never really saw a reason to stop doing it, but rn I have a reason bcs it made me SO FCKING MISERABLE OMG. AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE IT.

My new medication (quetiapin) has been really helping me with regulating my emotions, and I feel way more stable.

I'm writing my ZAPs (similar to gcse's but the German version) this month and next month, and I'm really anxious. It's stressing me out so much, bcs I just missed so much school that I don't know a lot of stuff.

Me and my mom are doing really good, we communicate and when I see her it's completely okay and I feel fine, when I'm at home we still really struggle.

I still have my friends from the clinic and I love them so much.

But one thing that's really messing me up atm is derealisation/depersonalization/dissociation, it's a trauma anniversary in like two days and I literally don't feel ANYTHING. And sometime it gets so bad that I physically can't move. I don't recognise my hands, and my body and sometimes it feels like I'm watching me from above, and nothing is helping. I tried like nearly everything, smelling stuff, physically pain (not self destr0ctive), feeling stuff, talking about it, writing it down, keeping it in. Like literally everything I can think of I've trieddd. So if anyone who is reading this can help me pls pls pls tell me what else I can do.