ITS ME BOY THE PS5

it won’t surprise anyone to know (i think?) that i’ve always been a disney princess friend to all animals ass and there is no animal i won’t hold and kiss even if im so allergic i pass away

new allergy unlocked: bunny rabbits :(

something i think about way too frequently is my ex was a sleep talker and would very very confidently and lucid-soundingly have completely nonsense conversations while 100% and one time he sat straight up after falling asleep watching 30 Rock and said “they just showed a closeup of a real human penis on 30 Rock”

i will be chilling for no reason and then suddenly be like Fuck i am going to get in so much trouble for not being a hot woman or even a hot they

also coming to terms with the fact that im some type of bullshit biromantic asexual. i’ve been off and on with the ace label for so long and i know im ATTRACTED to people and also that i love my partner and love making them happy but that i do not have an intrinsic sex drive of my own that causes me to want sex for myself. which is the first time im really saying that “out loud”

however i’ve already decided i want to live and i want to create and not even hating myself and the things i create can change that anymore. the only true failure is choosing to stop doing the things i want know i want to do!

me and everyone else in the world though, right? i am NOT special

my family has a lot of iterations of Tough Love but one of them with its claws still in me is that anything i produced that i was even remotely proud of—writing, music, art, any bit of creativity—they would thoroughly pick it apart and point out every tiny flaw “as a favor”, trying to break my ego to save me the pain of having strangers be the ones to point out my flaws and mistakes and, ideally, each time i produce something after that would be better than my last best effort. but what happens instead is i’ve simply never felt an ounce of pride or even satisfaction in myself or my work, genuinely ever. i’ve NEVER felt even happy with how a piece of art has turned out, let alone proud. i have ONLY felt burning frustration and hatred because i can see every tiny thing my family would’ve picked out and told me to change or do better next time, but it’s the same result every single Next Time

that all having been said, i’ve also been in the “maybe things have gone wrong for me my entire life because i don’t deserve things that go right” so maybe im just not in the headspace for success on any front currently