ripped at every e d g e s

Ryan offered her his hand, “Let’s bring you home, then.”

       Catherine wiped the last bit of her tears then took his hand. "Thank you."

Ryan heaved in a sigh, “I guess, I have to move on with my life.” He ran a hand through his hair and wore his baseball cap. “Where do you have to go, I’ll drive you there.”

       She just smiled the tears away then, nodded. "That's right, Ryan. It's for your own good." And when Cat said, it was for his own good, it was really for the better. She couldn't forgive herself if Tommy do something to Ryan because of her. "I just want to go home, I guess."

Ryan bit his lower lip, “So, he did hurt you.” He looked angry; he sighed and looked away from her. He never hurt her, although they were fighting he was still so protective of her. He knew in his gut that whoever the fuck that guy is don’t really deserve Catherine. He looked at her and leaned in, he then rested his head on her forehead. “I don’t think—fuck, I hate him. I hate him. You don’t deserve that.” He sighed once again. “God, Cat, I love you. I still do. And fuck, it’s not like you’re married to him—so I’ll wait. I’ll wait,” He let go of her and stood up, he turned around to look at the horizon again. “I don’t care how long I have to wait, Cathy.” 

       A part of Cat knew she deserved it. She had caused Tommy pain for not loving him as much as he loves her, for still so hung up on him. She deserved all the physical pain for asking for more and for not giving back when she finally got enough. She walked over to him and sighed, sniffing back the tears. "It was my fault he was like that. It was also my fault why we broke up, Ryan. Something is wrong with me. For some reason, I can't make people love me the way I want to be loved." She stood beside him as she heaved a sigh. "I don't want you missing on better things---people---just because you still love me. God, Ryan, I don't deserve you, okay. I couldn't be happy for you when you started being succesful. I was so selfish. I just wanted your attention. I couldn't understand it. I don't deserve you then and I don't deserve you now."

He wiped the tears away from her face using his thumbs, “Did he do this?” He runs his thumb along her busted lip.

      Cat knew better than to lie to him. She had been with him for nearly six years and two years since they broke up and nothing much had change between the two of them. She knew he would know if she was lying. Catherine hated lying too. "Please," said Catherine, "don't ask me more question. I don't want to lie to you."

Ryan cupped her cheeks and looked at her eyes, “Do you loved him?” He repeated.

       Tears started flowing from her eyes again as she she couldn't really bring herself to look back at him. "I'm trying. He loves me and I'm trying." She said, barely audible.

When Catherine’s lips were pressed against his, he stopped breathing all together. He closed his eyes and found himself kissing her back, he ran his tongue along her lip which was busted. He then pulled out from her. His breathing was shallow, but he is still breathing so that was good. He opened his eyes and looked at her, after a while, he finally asked, “Do you love him, Cat?”

       A sigh in relied escaped her lips when her breathing started to go back to normal. She looked downa nd regarded his question. "I tell him I love him too when he tells me he love me?" She sighed and shrugged.

He tried to, but he couldn’t. It still felt like there was something—a constricting pain in his chest—that just kept him from breathing. He looked at Catherine and thought of the things that he missed about her. He then closed his eyes and tried to breathe, but it still seemed like he was just gasping.

      "Ryan...please.; She begged desperately. Cupping his face delicately, she pulled his face closer, pressing on lips on her, taking his breath away all at once.

I’m fine. He wasn’t even sure what that meant anymore. He felt like someone was choking him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He didn’t know what to do. He turned his body to her, he wanted to reach for her but it wasn’t his place now—to hold her. He didn’t how it happened, he didn’t know at all, it just hit him and he started crying pretty badly because no matter how much he lie to himself it would still hurt and hurt and hurt, he wasn’t going to be numb, not ever. This was Catherine. She skinned him alive and everything that would touch him, even air itself, would hurt him. He dropped to the ground and pressed his knees to his chest and hugged it, he hid his face and continued to cry. He felt like a child, who was alone. He needed somebody to hug him and promise him that it would be fine, he needed it to be Cat. She could fix him, right? He tried to do it himself, but he just wasn’t doing it right. He probably won’t ever be fixed. She won’t fix him now, he was so sure of it. And that thought hurt, it made him cry even harder. He was crying too much, that he started hyperventilating. He couldn’t move any muscle. All he could do was gasp and gasp, it was like drowning, he couldn’t even do anything about it.

      She heard wheezing and when she turned around, Cat saw him on the groundl. Without hesitation, she was on her knees, trying to pull him. She grabbed his shoulder and made him look at her. Cupping his face, she kissed his forehead and searched for his gaze. "Ryan...Ryan..oh my God. Please, listen to me. Breathe." She said as she fight against panic. "Please...." Cat begged while she caressed his face and rubbing his chest. She sobbed even more because she felt like she was breaking him. "Please...breathe."

Ryan nodded, his gripped on the railing getting tighter. He didn’t say anything, not yet. He took a deep breath and finally let go of the railing, he shoved his hands into his pocket and tried to calm himself down as he thought of the perfect thing to say. “I’m sorry.” He heaved in a breath to stop himself from crying, “I wasn’t—I wasn’t…I’m sorry. I just, I wish– shit, I wasn’t the Ryan you’ve loved, Cathy. I wasn’t that guy anymore. I just, fuck. There’s just no explanation for what I’ve done, you know. I felt so awful about it every fucking single day. And I think—I keep on thinking about that stupid fucking ring, and how I should have never even left because what the hell I wasn’t even happy about what I do anymore. It’s been years, and shit, I’m not over you. I keep on, I keep on going back even if there’s nothing to go back to, Cat. You’re several pages a head of me, and I’m just fucking lost. We’re not even in the same book. I—I keep on saying to myself that I don’t love you anymore, that I shouldn’t hurt anymore.” He wiped the tears on his face harshly and adjusted the baseball cap he’s wearing. “None of it matters, what I feel. I just really want you to be happy. You’re happy, though, right?” 

      It's one thing to know that he was sorry. It was another thing to know he was hurting because of her. It was not supposed to be the way it is. They were supposed to be happy. At that moment, Catherine couldn't fathom how much she had fucked up. Ryan couldn't even be happy of what he was doing. His music, she made it sour for him. "I'm sorry." She muttered to him as her tears cascaded on her face like waterfalls. "I thought...I thought it's for the better. I'm sorry I hurt you." Catherine sobbed, turning her back on him. She wanted to say she was happy but she had hurt him so much he did not deserved another lie. "I'm fine." She said almost incoherently, pressing her teeth on her busted lips but it was numbed by the pain she felt from her heart.

“Those dreams didn’t include losing you, Catherine.” He sighed and moved closer to the edge, he then took hold of the railing and gripped it tightly. “You are my dream. But you’re just a fucking dream now.” He took a deep breath, “I’m at fault here.” He bit his lower lip. “Just tell me what I have done wrong, Cat. What made you feel insecure? We should have just talked about it. It’s already done though, right?”

     She shook her head to protest but didn't say anything. It seemed like he still care for her. "I couldn't even talk to you before. You barely come home. Half the time, it's your assistant who answers your phone. How could we talk before?" She couldn't help but shed a tear but she wiped it right away. "There was so many things to be insecure about, Ryan. You didn't want to be seen with me in public. People thought you are single. Girls who are more...girls throw themselves at you all the time. It was only a matter of time before you look for a girl who can handle fame or something. When you didn't show up on my graduation, I was so scared and couldn't keep being scared. The future I had for us was all blurred, you know."

   Ryan and Catherine made their way to the high school, Ryan drove their way there. Once they got on the rooftop of JFK, Ryan cleared his throat “I’m sorry, it’s probably too late for this, but yeah—I’m sorry. I’ve abused the chances you’ve given me. I realized that I really wasn’t worth you or something, it sucks yeah, but I’ve realized that now.” He bit his lower lip and looked ahead not really wanting to cry.

       Cat just shook her head. "Don't. It's not entirely your fault. You have these dreams and I can't deal with it." She put down her bag and her laptop on it. "I felt insecure and..." Admitting it was more painful than she thought. She licked her busted lips to divert the pain she felt inside to physical pain. "It's probably not even your fault at all."

“They don’t matter. Let’s go.”

      She tucked her hands on her coat which was shaking. "I...I didn't kill any of them, did I?"

“We can go there, yeah.”

     She put her laptop to sleep and got up. "Alright then, let's go."

Ryan heaved in a sigh and nodded, “Where do you want to talk?”

     She thought for a moment. "Hmm, what about in high school. The rooftop of JFK Hall? It's the weekend. No one is really there except for the marching band people and a few athletes."

He knows that Catherine is never clumsy, she carries herself with grace and elegance, and in that way—he shouldn’t even be thinking about this, he shouldn’t even be thinking about her in that way, he shouldn’t be even thinking of her in that way; in fact, he shouldn’t be feeling these things for her anymore since it’s been years, is he really that hopeless romantic? Clearly true love isn’t real, clearly love isn’t even enough to keep him from losing her, and clearly she doesn’t love him that way anymore or that she doesn’t even really love him for that matter. So why is he hoping that someday she’ll come back to him? Why is he even thinking she will tell him what truly happened to her? What is he even to her?

       Catherine had already accepted the fact that there wouldn't be any guy who could give her the kind of love she wanted. No guy could love her just as much as Ryan had love her. Maybe there was something wrong with her. She knew it was a bad decision letting Ryan go but it seemed right and now that she had became a human punching bag, she thought she deserved it since she couldn't give Tommy what he had wanted as well. So, when Ryan said to be careful, she nodded and smiled because that was the best advice anyone could have given her at the moment.

“I don’t think it’s fine, Catherine. I’ve never seen you hurt.”

      "Things are not the same anymore, isn't it?" She said quite sadly. "But really. It's okay."