crystallized.

Something I think about often when it comes to Qifrey is how much he would be terrified if he was presented with the actual chance to eliminate the silverwood in his body.

I really like the idea of the silverwood being a representation of trauma- it manifested due to a traumatic event, it affects all of Qifreys relationships and his ability to communicate, it colors Qifreys entire worldview, etc- and one thing about lifelong issues with trauma is that we tend to adjust our own identity and perceptions around them.

An obstacle that a lot of people don’t anticipate when they start actively trying to process and heal is their fear at removing something that has been a constant in their lives. Humans are incredible in that they adapt to pretty much anything long term if they’re given enough time- abuse, poverty, pain, etc.

We’re like that when it comes to our mental health too- we have a tendency to adapt to our own responses to trauma, to take them on as “normal” and to root our own identities in what has harmed us.

Qifrey has spent almost 2 decades adjusting to and perceiving the tree and his body and his responses as an inherent part of himself. I don’t think he separates the trees response as a separate entity anymore- it’s not his body and the tree, it’s “this body” in his head.

I believe he wants it gone in that he wants to safely live his life- but I also think he would be terrified to find out who he is without it.

Like, I’ve talked about Qifreys low self esteem in previous posts. He blames himself for the “sins” he’s committed, but part of coping with that is the belief that he’s like this- that his perceived self is so terrible- is *because* he’s a silverwood host.

Being faced with the aspect of this part of his identity disappearing- well, then he’d have to find out if he actually was just inherently terrible without it.

When we live with our trauma for this long, we adapt to it. And part of that is knowing that our reactions and communication capabilities have been impacted by it. It’s not necessarily that trauma is being used to excuse things we’ve done, but we are often aware that it explains the reason behind those actions and responses.

But when we remove the source problem, whether it’s taking antidepressants or no longer having a parasite in you, suddenly you’re left without the thing you’ve been able to blame for your behaviors.

Obviously, it takes time and hard work to redirect responses that have long been ingrained, but it’s a terrifying and frustrating experience when you lose the active reason behind them.

I feel like Qifrey would be terrified that he no longer can be anything else but a silverwood host, even if the tree were gone. I think he’d be scared he’d still be the same- avoidant of touch and affection, unable to be honest with others, habitually harming himself, etc- but it would just be *his* fault this time.