I was an angel but they made me leave

I just finished reading ’Stone Butch Blues’ for the first time. A book has never wrung out so many tears out of me - both the happy ones and those you cant stop, the ones that feel as if theyre sucking out all the air out of your lungs.

Never before have i seen myself in a main character so much, which was both exhilarating and terrifying. I don’t think till now it has really sunk how lonely life as a butch can be.

I mourn the version of myself that never got to talk to an older bull butch, to ask how we’re supposed to survive this, how to not feel like a fraud. I mourn that we dont have spaces for dykes anymore, no refuge to go to.

Even with the heaviness of all that - i’m hopeful. The message that Leslie Feinberg left me with is „Fight tooth and nail for your community. Organize. Love each other.” Its just incredibly difficult to find that very community to give my all to.