lost behind the mirrors

And maybe you can cry all night / But that'll never change the way I feel / The snow is really piling up outside I wish you wouldn't make me leave here.

Was it really possible to feel so much while I was so young? I loved you so hard. I loved you without pretense or expectation. I loved you with a pure innocence. I loved you in the only way I knew how – fiercely and completely. When I close my eyes and think of you, I can still feel your hands on my hips, the touch of your lips on mine. The intermingling of our breaths and our fingers twisted together while we held hands.

I poured it on and I poured it out / I tried to show you just how much I care / I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout / But you've been cold to me so long / I'm crying icicles instead of tears

We danced in the darkness of the room – if you can call the awkward shuffle of feet any sort of dance while we tried to keep a reasonable distance between our bodies and couldn’t figure out where to put our hands. It was innocent and lovely. Until it wasn’t quite so innocent anymore. A private moment in your basement. Stolen, exciting moments of awkward fumbling, hormones racing, panting breaths and forbidden touches. I shut you down. We weren’t supposed to. As much as I hungered for it, for you, I wasn’t nearly ready. It would be the last time I really remember saying no. I remember your face. I remember feeling crushed by the look you gave me. So many emotions. Frustration mixed with anger. Lust mixed with disappointment.

And all I can do is keep on telling you / I want you / I need you / But there ain't no way / I'm ever gonna love you / Now don't be sad / 'Cause two out of three ain't bad /Now don't be sad /'Cause two out of three ain't bad

Was that the reason for the betrayal? I was leaving. Changing schools. You were hurt and angry. Said we could never work. Reason says yes. But why did I decide to hurt you before that even happened? The details aren’t clear to me anymore. It’s been too long. I vaguely remember an invitation to your cottage that never materialized. I’ve learned I can be a terribly vengeful bitch when I’m angry. But I’m not forthright. I would much rather let it simmer under the surface until it thickens. More often than not it thickens into something hot and sensual, because those are the things I’m very good at. Those are the things that get me noticed. Those are the things that bring attention.

You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach / You'll never drill for oil on a city street / I know you're looking for a ruby / In a mountain of rocks / But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding / At the bottom of a Cracker Jack box

I don’t remember making the actual decision. I remember the simmering. I remember a glance tossed my way on the bus. I remember thinking I should refuse. But another part of me didn’t care and said yes anyway. I wandered over to another boy that I didn’t necessarily like. That I knew you absolutely didn’t like. How did he feel about the whole thing? I honestly don’t know. I do know that he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth half of you. My first real expression of self- sabotage even though at the time I thought I was hurting you, I can see it so crystal clear that it hurt me more. It began a long, twisted path of guilt and loathing.

I can't lie / I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not / No matter how I try / I'll never be able to give you something / Something that I just haven't got

I can stand back and look at it now and think that maybe what I meant to do was to be in control. I wanted so desperately for things to be different. I didn’t want things to stop being what they were. I blamed myself but couldn’t tell you. I wanted to control what was happening. I didn’t know how to do that with my words. I didn’t know how to tell you what was written on my heart. I didn’t know how to say the words that would have made you understand. Instead, I chose to shatter everything we had into a thousand shards of glass that still prickle my skin when I reach out to try and touch them today, so many years later.

There's only one girl that I will ever love / And that was so many years ago / And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart / She never loved me back, ooh I know /I remember how she left me on a stormy night / She kissed me and got out of our bed / And though I pleaded and I begged her / Not to walk out that door / She packed her bags and turned right away

Would it matter if I told you that he didn’t care? Would it matter if I tried to take it back? I blamed myself then and probably still do. What I know with absolute certainty is that this song reminds me of you and it always will. It fills me with warmth mixed with melancholy and tugs so hard at my heartstrings. It’s a song I turn to when I need a fulfilling, cleansing cry. I belt the words out loud. I whisper them inside my head. I let the feelings wash over me and the tears fall down my cheeks. And when the song is over, I smile because at the end of it all, I remember two kids so young and yet so desperately in love.