The World of Carl Anthony

Going through a breakup, separation or divorce causes a wellspring of emotions. There are contrasting swings too; one moment anger, then sadness. Bouts of hopelessness are followed by renewed confidence while regret can suddenly turn into regeneration. It’s confusing and exhausting.

Here are 7 things capable, when those raw emotions strike, of taking our shouts and tears.

Steering Wheel (Scream At) Something liberating about venting frustration, hurt and pain into a device we actually move to guide our direction. A break up will trigger anger but ultimately, we are in control as we “steer” the wheel of our lives accordingly. 

We would move our car away from harm with the steering wheel and our future is no different. We cannot control such feelings following a separation but we can choose what we do with them. How we express them will either point us towards or away from harm; let the anger come but it, under no circumstances, shall touch the wheel of your life.

My Recommendation: Do this in park, not while driving … 

Dogs (Cry With) Dogs show true unconditional love. They sit there with their tongues out and a paw on your arm. They know. They may not be able to speak but that doesn’t mean they can’t communicate.

My Recommendation: Don’t try this with a cat …

Walls (Scream At) The saying goes: “if these walls could talk.” And I think that phrase comes from walls being such good listeners. They don’t fall when we stumble nor crack when we break.

My Recommendation: Don’t hit them. You will put a hole in the wall and break your hand and thus have two bills to pay.

Your Best Friend (Cry With) There is another old saying: “a best friend will help you move a body” … but sometimes that body in need of movement is ours. Allow a best friend to console but let them to encourage your future. Believe the good things they see in you are really there, regardless of the break up.

Get out and do something fun with them or serve your community, neighborhood or church. Chances are there is something you and your best friend have always wanted to do. Now is the time. My Recommendation: Be open to their dating advice, even if it might be terrible. Hug them and thank them.

Sappy Movies and Ice Cream (Cry With) When watching The Notebook for the first time after a breakup and it gets to the incredible love making scene … the one that begins on the dock in the rain and ends with them in the house?

Yeah … 

It’s all perfect and here you are, disastrously single, in bed, licking mint chip off the spoon and feeling immensely unattractive …

While we often criticize Hollywood for over hyping, I don’t think it’s always the case. Action films and post-apocalyptic thrillers may border on the impossible but romance movies not so. The things we learn from the ending of our past relationships will help us create our next one - so to be as vivid as the silver screen passions we’re watching play out, saying “I wish that we me,” while rustling our hands through a bag of Hot Fries. It will happen again, junk food binge aside.

My Recommendation: Watch P.S. I Love You next.

Old Photos (Both) They reflect and quite strikingly, a time when you both thought you would be happy forever. Looking at them may take us right back but try to stay in the present. With each photo, say goodbye to your ex but speak the same thing to your former self. 

We don’t have to be the person in those photographs anymore. This is prime time, as we discard the pictures, to acknowledge we were as responsible as our partner for the demise of the relationship. Own it. Rip them up. And start becoming the new person you wish future cameras to capture. My Recommendation: Some pictures will make you angry and others sad. Be prepared for the ebb and flow.

God (Both)  Through the fallout of a broken relationship, if crying out to God seems compelling, natural, reassuring and appropriate, follow that feeling. 

It’s not an accident or a coincidence.

There is much emphasis on learning as we go through life.  The more we absorb the better but what about unlearning?  What about the things we forget, put down and let go?  Is there not equal growth there, worth its own slice of intelligence?

Here are 4 things we would do well to unlearn …

#1 – Being Right Means We Are

There is much truth to the saying: “you can be right or you can be happy.”  When tensions run high in any environment, from marriage to a workplace, sometimes it is wise to keep quiet.  Charging into confrontation because our experience, insight or prior knowledge dictates we know best is difficult to unlearn.  Battles are best likened to food rations and engagement equals subtraction from vital provisions.  Could that supply have been better spent?

Ask yourself what is driving the desire to be right.  Is it because the cause before you is noble and just?  Or is it simply your own viewpoint, perspective, ego etc.  With the latter, you may end up being right, sure … but if you level your coworkers or blast your significant other, how “right” are you really?

#2 – It Was Our Fault

We all make mistakes and the active effort to correct those deficiencies in our actions is a lifelong process.  Yet, as we seek change, it is also healthy to let go and not carry too much guilt.  Sometimes, it really isn’t our fault.  Sometimes we are innocent bystanders.

Companies downsize, criminals prey on victims, spouses are unfaithful, illnesses strike with no cure, natural disasters destroy homes; the list of doom seemingly endless.  We can, in our attempts to make sense, over analyze.  “If only I would have done this or not done that.”  It’s a terrible cycle eating us up, long after the tragic event occurs. 

We need to unlearn this by accepting bad things, beyond our control are going to happen.  When they do, we can either bathe in misery or wash the burden clean with a renewed vision that reminds us we are still alive and with a future.

#3 – Living Like There Is No Tomorrow

Sooner or later, bad habits catch up with us.  We are not immune to such repercussions and to think we are is foolish.  “I didn’t think it would happen to me” or “that only happens on the news,” are not honorable famous last words.   Statistics exist for a reason – each number is somebody who probably once convincingly uttered the phrase, “yeah, but that won’t be me.”   We can’t smoke and then be shocked by a cancer diagnosis.  We can’t frequent bars then be surprised at a nonexistent paycheck.  We can’t hook up with multiple people and then wonder why our health, both emotionally and physically, suffers.  We can’t use drugs and say it’s the judge’s fault when they hand down a prison term.   

We can’t bank on luck – very small credit line.    

We have to unlearn the hype of living like there is no tomorrow.  We have to unlearn the mantra: “it always happens to somebody else.”  When that somebody else becomes you, the consequences for such actions are far greater than the thrill they originally provided.

#4 – Success Means Everything 

We can be the most liked person in the room but does that mean we are truly good?  We can have the best job, nicest car, fanciest clothes, good looking significant other and the public persona to match but does that really represent our emotional being?

Having social respect and career success does not equal personal growth.  Although many people who are successful have undergone massive amounts of individual change and empowerment, it is easy to trick ourselves with all the “stuff.” 

Imagine if the big shot job, fast car, hot significant other was all gone.  Then what?  We have to unlearn the idea that our worldly success defines us as the person we are – it’s the other way around.  The person we are inside (and actively seek to be) defines, not only the success we have in the world, but how we handle it.   

The holidays can carry an emotional price tag; the cost of which is sometimes expensive.  Sure, there is joy in the season; family, friends, dinners, gifts, vacations and the like but for some, in spite of those things, the holidays seem bland at best, heart wrenching at worst.  

The holidays emit a certain amount of noise but when it subsides, a new year of silence often emerges.  And such silence is the loudest thing in the world on the heels of a death or divorce.

Here are 5 ways to cope with that silence …   

#1 - Be Objective With Your Thumbs 

Dating apps have us hitting the red “X” or “swiping” to a certain direction in order to approve or disapprove a person who is probably looking at us and determining if we are worth a motion in the affirming direction. Our hearts will, at night, abnormally attach to the phone light; a scavenger for the “perfect” mate, based on a few profile pictures and a brief description (often loaded with emoticons) replaces any sense of traditional dating.  

Although you are plugged into to many, you will eventually feel more alone. It’s like jumping in a hole and trying to get out with a shovel; the only way is down.  A fast hook up may seem exhilarating but eventually the ride ends … the drop the morning after is more intense than the night before.

The only thing in your bed will be loneliness.  

Use your thumbs more constructively: take up a musical instrument, knitting, bowling, pottery or physical exercise.  You will enhance your mind, body or both and may end up meeting your better half in one of the classes.  Save your phone battery and your thumbs for something worthwhile.

#2 - Tell Stories

After my father died, I used it as an excuse to participate in behaviors harmful to myself and others.  Master Splinter was right: “anger clouds the mind.”  

About 7 years after his death, I began to tell (on the radio no less) the fond stories I recalled of my father while growing up.  How he could do the best cannon ball and how his students loved his classes; the afternoons I spent mowing my Grandmother’s lawn with him in the summer of 1998 and when he would sit in the living room and play the guitar.  

In illustrating the good times, it opened doors for the anger to exit. Those same doors catered to peace and as it entered, I was allowed to see the man in my father I hope to one day become.

#3 - Wish Them Well In Prayer 

When a person breaks our hearts, it is easy to hope the Zombie Apocalypse would materialize in their living room.  We want them to hurt, fail and experience every ounce of our pain, tenfold.  Yet, similar to the pointing rule: when you point at somebody, you have three fingers pointing back at you.  

Such desires for ill fates weigh on you and only you.  The thoughts of their destruction, playing in the theater of your mind to the audience of one, are not worth the price of admission.    

Do you ever feel better when that film ends?    

So, turn the tides.  Say a prayer for their success, happiness and prosperity.  Wish them a garden instead of a landslide and you will soon find yourself walking among the flowers.  Remember, they too are a person and are, in spite of what happened, deserving of compassion.  

Give it to them and give up retribution.  

#4 - Visit the Spaces

When any significant relationship ends, it may cause us to avoid places we once shared with that person. Plan a day or several to visit the areas where you experienced good memories with them.  

When I am in LeMars, Iowa, I always drive by the house I grew up in.  I haven’t lived there for years, but it still stands.  I vividly remember the summer evening Dad said, standing on the front lawn: “Carl, just think that somebody else will probably live here one day.”

He was right and I take comfort in the new memories being made now for a different family.  I look at the sky and acknowledge my father was right.

On my trips to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, I pass the building I got married in.  I think of the wedding that took place there the very next day after mine … I hear 50 percent of marriages end in divorce so I smile because I know, even though my marriage failed, the odds are in that other couple’s favor.  I partake in step number three, for both my ex-wife and the ones that got married the day after we did.

I then let the rest of my life run its course.  

#5 - Listen to The Carpenters

This is the time of year where resolutions and desires of becoming a better person are often highest.  While I am no expert, here are some ways to create the best YOU in 2015.  These recommendations are based only on my own life, through failure and success in my journey that have lead me here.

#1 - Find God

Two years ago, I was an atheist.  I prided myself on knowledge and logic and while I outwardly appeared to own this lifestyle, inside I was at war.  I am not a Bible scholar or even the best Christian but I do know when life falls apart, all the logic, reason and knowledge in the world cannot comfort you.  It cannot hold you or tell you it will be okay.  It cannot give you hope, joy or fulfillment.  I used to debate Christians, not because I believed in the atheist mindset, but because I was angry.  Surrendering to God is not weak; it’s not drinking “Kool Aid” but quite the opposite - you will find strength beyond comprehension and the joy to match.  My blog post may be inspiring or uplifting but it is minimal compared to what we gain through Christ. 

I was not a causal non believer, either.  I was outwardly and publically against the church.  There is nothing at the end of that road but misery, emptiness and death.  Talk to God in 2015 and trust Him to provide.  He is real and waiting to hear from you.

 #2 - Pour Into People

Think of the people you love and care about; family members, friends, co-workers etc.  Now go to work for them, giving them the best of you … fight for them and let them know, vividly and loudly, you are there.  Provide support, encouragement and counsel and always let them know how valued they are.  When they have a tragedy, share in the pain, when they have triumph, share the happiness and joy.  Honor them in these ways and friendships of true meaning will be forged.

The quickest way to get over your own pain and sadness is to pour into others.  Pick up your phone and open the floodgates of love.   

 #3 - Rally the Relationship

Your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is by your side each day.  Acknowledge and validate them.  Do the dishes and laundry without being asked, arrange a date night and tell them they look stunning, especially when they are sick with a cold.  Do kind things for their parents, even though they may drive you nuts and be thrilled with taking a backseat while they chase their dreams.  If you are in a new relationship, be it marriage or dating, accept my congratulations.  Get to know your newfound better half; who they really are and what makes them tick.  The sooner you learn about them, the better you will love and support them in the ways they need. 

If you are single but looking, aim for inner beauty and the character traits accentuating it.  Don’t date him or her because they are hot.  When you are both 90 and on your death bed, it won’t matter how sexy they once were … what will count are the vows you made years earlier.  Build a relationship based on perpetual kindness rather than mutual agreements.

Do NOT listen to bitter, divorced people and keep them at arm’s length.  Their relationship failed; doesn’t mean yours will.  If you are divorced be happy for those who are in love and let them know.  It will keep anger and resentment at bay.   

#4 - Fight for Your Home

Be an advocate for where you live and respect your neighbors.  When a community suffers, there are only two stances: problem or solution.  Be the latter by respecting laws, voting and volunteering for causes.  Or, start your own.  Either way, take pride in your city and be the glue that binds it together.     

#5 - Get Fit

I don’t take “treadmill resolutions” seriously.  Yes, you have to put in the time and money and it hurts.  You will be sore and you will ebb and flow with fitness and even plateau at times.  You will drop dumbbells on your foot. 

Yet like anything worth doing, fitness is less about talent and ability and more about the willingness to show up and keep learning and experimenting.  The sooner you make this commitment to yourself and accept no shortcuts in your diet and exercise routine, the sooner a better you emerges.  Fitness is not about using the mirror for flexing and posing but rather seeing it as a reflective tool to monitor where you are versus where you want to be. 

#6 - Don’t Hate Your Circumstances

I hear more people these days talk about their jobs, families, marriages and life in general in a negative light.  If this is you, examine why.  Your job or marriage is not the problem but rather, you are.   Yes, I said it.  You’re the problem; and for probably a number of reasons, unhappy.  Changing jobs or partners will provide a narrow window of relief, but it will soon slam shut.  What are you going to do then?  Keep searching for jobs or partners?  New jobs, although promising, have their demands just like the last gig.  And new relationships, although fun and romantic, have their periods of hardship.  When the going gets rough, that’s when our contentment, or lack thereof, shines.  In adversity, our true character flows and we arrive at two choices; either refuse and run or accept and act. 

The first choice cements us in the past; the second lends a concrete future.   

The decision is yours.