ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɪᴛɪɴɢ ғᴏʀ﹖

part two: april - june apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"If I cosplay your mom, call that my fursona."

"We shall have a designated ball cleaning day."

"Should I make the CEO of Sex pasta again tonight?"

"If I get horny in front of you, would you give me money?"

"Can someone, like, sniff him and see if he has a shoe size?"

"We can make crystal meth in that!"

"God allows a little pornography."

"Can I get a diet cock? I mean, a diet cock? I mean―"

(seductively) "So... Do you like lettuce?"

"If there was a dead body, a room, and a bottle of wine, i would fuck the body, marry the wine, and kill the room."

"The turn signals STAY ON during sex."

"Thank god I'm fast at getting ready. Because I'm STILL SITTING NAKED ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR! AAYYY!!"

"Ah, yes. The energy drink that does nothing but make my fingers shake a little bit sometimes."

"He looks like if you ordered Matt Damon on Temu and the package arrived damaged."

"You could reasonably argue that the BMV is a movie theater."

"Please teach these boobs how to hold a sax. I'm gonna have a stroke on the lift."

"I love white cheese... What? You never had black cheese?"

"I think cannibalism is based if the guy being eaten is down for it."

"Why are they so attached to this fuckass horse?"

"I'm not gonna pretend to know the horse lore."

"OH, GOD FORBID A MAN HAVE BALLS."

"Hey, you got your nipples out or no?"

"Guys, I have bad news. That movie came out before 9/11."

"Most reasonable people put hentai on it."

"Who needs weed when you have ass rock?"

"I couldn't flex on Stephen Hawking if I tried."

(angrily) "Fruit snacks are fucking delicious, dude. You drink Vernor's and eat American cheese slices. That's not even real fucking cheese."

"Your mom makes my ass vibrate in a bad way, man."

"My grandpa is sifting in his urn right now."

"I'm falling on a sword this afternoon."

"Don't piss by yourself, you're too handsome."

"Those who shit in glass toilets shouldn't shit stones."

"He came in me and now he's on his TechDeck."

"So help me god, if you don't accept this gracious gift of the fuckin' rice, I'm gonna get, like, 1950's work whistle angry."

"I think we need to just put him in a fucking device."

"How much proof does this bitch need? Get convinced."

"This one looks like an uncircumcised peen."

this is entirely self-indulgent and i will not be ashamed

"Um...You are fucking up my costume party."

"Well I can't stand up my legs are broken."

"I can hear myself breathing!"

"I think you legally have to look at me."

"You're really a dark person."

"DiGiorno's for the oven, Totinos for the microwave...And the memories are for us."

"You almost just faded out! I don't know where you went just then!"

"She went to chillis and got a watermelon margarita once."

"Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. DISGUSTING."

"I feel like there's a gas leak in the room."

"Zero coffee, two chiefs? Come on!"

"The cops said I can't do anything 'cause he's just standing there!"

"Beep beep! Gay coming through!"

"They asked me out of pity and now I'm here and I'm fucking it all up!"

"I guess that is what that is, that makes sense now."

"I've been sitting under that blanket the whole time."

"Your mustache is slowly turning into the batman symbol."

"I read a sign at the zoo and it said gorillas are friendly, that is FALSE."

"Was that too much?"

"I can either drink, fuck, or play."

"The truth will set you free."

"My tit just deflated."

"A miniature game, how quaint."

"I cannot believe you did that twice."

"Help me! I just signed up for insurance!"

Bonus: Amanda's rant

† 𝚂𝙾𝚄𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁𝙽  𝙶𝙾𝚃𝙷𝙸𝙲 sentence starters ... featuring sentence starters with southern gothic undertones and themes. please use as purposed, do not replicate or alter for any reason. this is likely one part of many. enjoy!

“ this place isn't like it used to be. ” “ this town... there's something wrong with it. ” “ put the gun down. ” “ i've seen that face before. just not on anyone living. ” “ what's buried out back? ” “ i don't think we're out here alone. ” “ this place ain't cursed. curses wear out. this place is hungry. ” “ you shouldn't be here after dark. ” “ you see that? someone's watching us. ” “ he left his shadow behind. i see it walking sometimes. ” “ it's been quiet. too quiet. ” “ whatever you do, don't follow the lights. ” “ why does this town feel... different today? ” “ someone's been leaving flowers on her grave again. ” “ he sort of just... vanished. ” “ stay away from that well. ” “ what's that smell? it smells like something's rotting. ” “ i've never seen that road before. ” “ you shouldn't be here after dark. ” “ i swear i locked the door... ” “ the river only takes what it's owed. ” “ the dog don't go near the wood line anymore. ” “ why's it so cold all of a sudden? ” “ that's not rain... ” “ i thought i just saw you outside... but you're here? ” “ they were here. i can feel it. ” “ if you hear singing down by the water, turn around. ” “ granddaddy always said if the crows stop circling, it's too late. ” “ i met him in the graveyard. ” “ the picture fell again. ” “ don't look behind you. ” “ it's been raining for three days straight. ” “ there's always been this weird smell in the air. ” “ i've heard rumors about this place. ” “ this house was built on blood. ” “ someone's buried under the porch. ”

a sentence starter prompts list comprised of quotes from the novel if we were villains by m.l. rio. please be advised that this list may involve topics including, but not limited to, murder, death, and violence. change verbiage as needed.

why are you here? you should know by now i’m not going to tell you anything.

seems safer to let sleeping dogs lie.

it must eat you alive, not knowing. not knowing who, not knowing how, not knowing why.

you’ve kept your secrets all this time. it would drive anyone else crazy. why do it?

want to come out for a smoke? might help you relax.

your time will come to be the tragic hero.

let’s go skinny-dipping! i haven’t been swimming all summer.

seems like just yesterday my dad was shouting at me for throwing my life away.

you can’t do good work if you’re hiding, so we’re going to get all of the ugliness out in the open.

if you haven’t made any enemies in life, you’ve been living too safely.

you make a surprisingly convincing villain.

i know what you’re doing. you’re baiting me.

i don’t know about you, but i want to get cleaned up and go to bed and pretend this didn’t happen for like at least eight hours.

i think we were all fucked up from the start.

you promised me you wouldn’t say a word, so don’t.

i’m sorry, what the fuck just happened?

you know, people aren’t going to put up with your bullshit for much longer.

you’re probably the only person he’d listen to.

where’ve you been all night?

i was making the rounds for a while, but i got overwhelmed and snuck upstairs to do some reading.

i’m done with this fucking party, with all of them down there. what do you want?

why don’t you just tell me what happened? no performance. no poetics.

we can’t just stand around arguing about how it happened, we have to do something.

look, i know you have a pathological need to play the hero, but right now you need to stop and ask yourself if that’s really what’s best for everyone.

someone’s dead and you don’t know where you were?

before last night, everything was fine.

i care about you, and what might happen if you carry on like this.

he wasn’t an easy person to like, but he was an easy person to love.

what do you do? ignore your grief, or indulge in it?

maybe every day we let grief in, we’ll also let a little bit of it out, and eventually we’ll be able to breathe again.

i’m not going to kick you out of your own bed.

it doesn’t add up. we’re missing something.

you look like you might need someone to carry you.

i’m going to bed unless you’ve got something to say.

i’ve had enough of your sexual misadventures for one year, thanks.

it’s fucking freesing and i’m not leaving you out here alone.

when did we become such terrible people?

why don’t we get a drink or something? just us. i can’t think straight with everyone watching like we’re a reality show.

i just–maybe it’s because you’re you, and i mean, look at you–but i don’t understand. why me? i’m nobody.

you know, everyone calls you ‘nice,’ but that’s not the word. you’re good. you’re so good you have no idea how good you are.

we carry on as usual, or they’re going to want to ask all kinds of questions we don’t want to answer.

are you going to cold-shoulder me all night?

what’s gotten into you? you don’t sound like yourself.

you’re smarter than this. 

i’m not keeping any more secrets for you.

you can justify anything if you do it poetically enough.

you’re just going to leave me?

i think hell may have frozen over.

when you enter the theatre, there are three things you must leave at the door: dignity, modesty, and personal space.

anything can feel like punishment if you’re taught poorly.

you can’t quantify humanity. you can’t measure it–not the way you mean to. people are passionate and flawed and fallible. they make mistakes. their memories fade. their eyes deceive them.

i want so badly to be so mad at you that i could kill you, but i can’t, so i’m mad at myself instead. do you even understand how unfair that is?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i want to hurt the whole world.

why don’t you sit, and i’ll pour tea?

he was my friend—much more than that, truthfully—and that was enough. i didn’t need to know why.

can i help? i still–i want to help.

let me put myself back together and then i’ll come find you.

it’s like i look at you and suddenly the sonnets make sense.

tell me you didn’t do it.

i never wanted you to look at me the way you’re looking at me right now.

we have to go back and act like nothing’s wrong. we’ve got to get through tonight, and then we’ll worry about it. all right?

you know, it’s not too late if there’s another version of the truth you want to tell me.

will you rest easier with one less mystery on your mind?

part four: october - december apologies ahead of time for length! feel free to change pronouns if need be. warning for foul and dirty language, suggestiveness, and capslock-implied yelling :)

"They come when I'm ready."

"I'll come up. I gotta get wood."

"I think they will really like my shaft."

"I need you to help me take my pants off."

"Oh my god, guys! We're just like Snoop Dogg!"

"I don't care if they DNA test it! They're not gonna know how many toes were in the bathwater!"

"Fuck you. I'm un-circumcising your PushPop."

"That's okay, it happens to the best of us. And the worst of us. That's why Hitler happened."

"THEY WON'T GIVE ME HIS FORESKIN."

"THEY HAVE FORESKIN ON ETSY?"

"THAT IS A CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE HORSE."

"Take a tampon, soak it in vodka, and shove it up your cooch."

"You put pepper on your thumb, and then sniff it, and then sneeze the whole time. It's really fun."

"Hi, I have a question. Please be nice to me, I failed college."

"I totally get being scared to pull out."

"That's called childhood trauma. That's called cold pizza."

"Can we stop flirting in the gay bathroom?"

"Dawg, I have so much coffee in my coffee."

"I don't know if I've whipped you before."

"I DON'T NEED THERAPY, I NEED TO WIN."

"If they showed up in real life, the asexuality would leave my body."

"Have you ever had a food so good?"

"Do you think there are emotional prostitutes out there?"

"I feel like I'm floating, but if the floating was evil."

"They look like that cat meme with the eyebrow. Wait, don't tell them I said that."

"Pull up to the date like... Kachow."

"A SECOND TRAIN HAS HIT THE INTERSECTION."

"Don't look at me like that. You look like a hand-drawn frowny face."

"In terms of hitting, this chicken's kind of a pacifist."

"TECHNICALLY, Mary cheated on Joseph with God."

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I being too manly? In my little manly sweater? In my little sweater that everyone likes?"

"Topdog? What's topdog? I'm a hands-on learner by the way."

"Paleontologists don't seek dinosaur bones just to fuck a dinosaur."

"I'm fina going to leave the group chat."

"Tell her a washboard is only 20 bucks at the hardware store, since clearly she doesn't want a washer."

"I already know your fuck head drinks Pepsi."

"Let's grasp it together, fellow idiot."

"Is he a couch fucker?"

"Do you have any proof that you don't fuck tape?"

"Please do not fuck the gutter pipe."

"This implies Christ is a chicken."

"You could kill me as an act of bullying and I wouldn't care."

"It'd be kinda fucked up if there wasn't any garlic in the garlic dressing."

"You guys are like what sitcoms think siblings are."

"If I want to get pegged by a cowboy, do I have to cut off his dick and give him a strap?"

"Are you a peg-ologist, by chance?"

"That's how you know this was organized by a straight man. You gotta come too early."

"Do you think Jesus gages his hand holes?"

"I hate to fat shame a letter, but..."

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that sounds like a you problem.

i have no desire to get involved.

don't rope me into this.

this isn't what we agreed to.

i have limits, you know.

i'm retired. sorry.

everything's a life or death situation with you at this point.

this is getting to be too much for me to handle.

this is out of control.

we could get in serious trouble.

you're dragging me into something i can't handle.

please don't wrap me into something stupid.

you never told me you were involving me.

i'm not risking my life for you.

unfortunately, this is my breaking point.

i'm not here to solve your problems.

i can't help you.

go find someone else to bother.

you can say it until you're blue in the face. the answer is still no.

i can't fix this for you. you have to be the one to do it.

cry all you want, but i'm staying out of it.

you told me you would keep me out of this.

when were you going to tell me?

you did this, not me.

there are plenty of people out there willing to help you.

you're responsible for my safety now.

when did my name get thrown into the ring?

i want no part in your bullshit.

don't rope me in.

this is getting out of hand fast.

this isn't what i pictured.

you made it sound like it would be an easy fix.

you promised me you'd protect me from this.

no one's supposed to know i'm here.

that wasn't part of our agreement.

i do this one thing, and then you let me go?

what's it going to take for you to let me leave?

i'm up to my shoulders in bullshit.

you're the one who stuck your neck out. i'm just along for the ride.

how many times do i have to say it? i'm not interested in getting involved.

we can't make this work.

you'll never convince me to stay.

i've got my own problems i'm dealing with.

my world's upside down enough as it is.

i don't need to juggle your crap as well as my own.

there's gotta be someone else who can help you.

i left the business a long time ago.

unless you have any more questions, i'm going back to work.

well, good luck with that.

sounds like you've got a lot you're dealing with.

i hope it goes well for you.

you didn't have to drag my name into this.

why did you pick me?

i said i didn't have time for this.

i know what i said, but i'm taking it back.

that wasn't part of the deal.