the sweetest pie

He wished he could read her mind. Then again, maybe not. What if he only discovered how much better off she was without him? He was sure it was true. He only ever dragged her down. But, fuck, knowing it would hurt more than he wanted to think about. Did she even miss him? "I— thank you." Maybe she did miss him. The thought made his chest warm, the smallest of smiles on his lips. He didn't say it back, but did he really have to? She had to know. He imagined she had the eyes of every guy in the club on her. It always made him jealous, when they were out. Not jealous enough to do anything about it, to take her off the market. "Yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend's probably at her place." Why did he say that? Were they official? He wasn't seeing anyone else, but they hadn't had that discussion. He was far too good at evading labels. Maybe he wanted to make her jealous. Maybe he wanted to be upfront. What he didn't want to do was ask the question, but it spilled out anyway. "What about you?"

At the hint of his smile her shoulders loosened up just the tiniest bit. Maybe things could return to normal. They couldn't be friends, but maybe they didn't have to act like strangers. This limbo didn't have to last forever. That alternate reality, the promise of a better future between them suddenly shattering like pieces of glass raining down. Carmen couldn't believe what she was hearing, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment, disappointment, rage? She couldn't differentiate between these emotions anymore, it all felt the same when it came to Sterling Malarkey. She should've known better. Why the fuck didn't she know better? "Girlfriend?" She sputtered out in disbelief. her thoughts churning like a cog in a machine. Idiot, Idiot, Idiot. She didn't want him to see her cry, not over this, over him. But the rage was evident on her face, her eyes narrowed and her glossed lips tightening into a straight thin line. She needed time to process this revelation, and time wasn't something she could afford in this situation. For a long time she went silent, swallowing again before she pulled down the mask of indifference. "I'm so happy for you." She spat out viciously, each word more venomous than the next. "I'm so unbelievably happy that you found what you wanted! Congratulations Sterling, if only you could've found that happiness sooner instead of leading me on for YEARS. When you could've let me go at anytime, Instead of keeping me selfishly at arms length at all times. Using my feelings for you as an anchor when you temporarily wanted to hold on, then floating onto the next thing when I no longer served you." Silver was lining her eyes now and she hated herself for it, wanted to scream and hit him, but couldn't. "But thank you for the clarification Malarkey, because I was foolishly holding out hope for you. That you could change--that we could change. Obviously I was wrong, and yes I am here with someone tonight and now I finally have the clarity to fucking move on and start over without you." Each word escaping in shattered gasps between tears. Without warning she tossed her drink into his face. "I hope I never see you again."

His mouth opened only to close again, lips pressed into a thin line. It was meant to be a joke, he thought, but he didn't know. He couldn't read her. Since when had he been unable to read her? What was this? What were they? Nothing. Nothing at all. "Good." The word came out sharp, unrehearsed. It wasn't entirely untrue, he guessed. Swizz couldn't remember the last time he'd been good, but he'd been good... enough. He had his job, still, his boss was back. He had Kim, now. He had... alcohol, but not enough in his system at the moment. He could already see how the rest of the night was going to go. Watching her from across the room. Drinking one too many. Leaving blurry eyed once she was gone and he'd been cut off, stumbling into an Uber to go home, crack open a bottle of vodka or whiskey or whatever was sitting around. Pass out on the couch. Maybe he had some coke left over. How else would he handle this, if he didn't self-medicate? How else would he avoid spiraling? His grip tightened on his bottle, resisting the urge to bring it to his lips, finish off the beer in one gulp. "I've been... good, yeah, getting by. How are... how are you, Carmen?"

"That's good to hear. I've been fine for the most part, yeah." She forced the sentence out of her mouth even though it was wildly untrue. Wanting to unleash the reality of the situation, but couldn't. No, I'm awful, I miss you, do you miss me? Kiss me. The image of his lips and how they used to be on hers sent her mind reeling. She needed to get back to Pen...he'd be wondering where she went. Instead her feet seemed to be melded into the floor. Carmen could've been wrong--but he looked exhausted. His eyes sunken in and dark, lifeless almost. As if he was operating on auto-pilot. Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again. She just wanted to help him, but it wasn't what he wanted. "You look good." She replied softly, not knowing what else to say. A half-truth. For a moment her eyes wandered around him. To the strangers at the dancefloor and the others that flooded the bar. "Are you here alone?" Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, god why did she have to ask that?

He forgot. For a brief second, at first glance, Swizz forgot that they weren't talking. It had been... what, half a year, now? Seven months? And as soon as their eyes met, the corners of his lips turned up, ready to greet her, ready to fall back into a groove they had left behind. Then it hit him, and his face fell. Even after all this time, after all this space, silence on both ends, after everything that had happened between them, she was still his best friend.

"So formal these days." The words came out before she could stop them, her voice teasing in that easy care-free way she had always been with him. Seven months apart and it was still easy to fall back into old ways. She couldn't allow it though, but surely she could still be civil towards him. Carmen bit the inside of her cheek, debating whether to continue the conversation or book it and run. It wasn't fair. She had missed him so god damn much. "Sorry about your shirt." her mouth beginning to upturn in a faint smile, pausing she took in a sharp inhale. "How--I hope I mean--I just know" The words were getting jumbled, and she wasn't sure if it was his presence or the alcohol that was making her nervous. This absloutely didn't seem like the time or place to have this conversation, but when would she get another chance? He wasn't seeking her out and vice versa. Noticing his absence at the track, it stung more than she thought it would. Had she ever truly mattered to him? Clearing her throat she shook her head softly, meeting his eyes. "How are you?"

"That's probably a good idea," Tootles agreed, his cheeks reddening slightly at being called out. He really should have noticed sooner. "A moonstone? Yeah. Yeah, they do!" Of course, he would probably agree they looked like anything at the moment. Rolling one of the more colorful ones between his thumb and index finger, he paused, hoping he didn't sound like an idiot. "Do you... want to keep one? You know, as a thank you. For helping me not lose them all."

"Wait--What? No way, they're yours!" She resisted, until one caught her attention in his other hand. Sparkling like a gemstone amongst the neon lights from the rafters. "Okay hold on, maybe I like that one." She mused, leaning over to uncurl his fingers from his palm. "That one. It's clear with a brown swirl in the middle, and maybe a hint of emerald? Or gold, its hard to tell. Nonetheless its beautiful, it looks like your eyes."

Leave it to Pentiss to spill his marbles in the middle of his work place. Literally. It was stupid of him to even bring them in, but they were new additions to his collection, and he didn't have time to run home or he'd be late. Now, clocked out, he stared at the mess on the floor for a moment, kicking himself, until he heard the voice, and his eyes lifted to meet Carmen's. She might just be the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. And of course he was making a fool of himself already, before they had ever even been introduced. "Oh, it's... it's okay," he hurried to respond, lowering himself to start scooping the rolling marbles up in handfuls, hoping she wouldn't notice the way his cheeks were reddening. "I'm just... I'm a klutz, sorry."

"No need to be sorry...though I'd fix that hole in your pocket before you cause another marble stampede." She grinned, straightening her posture once more. If Carmen had any other talent besides racing it was spotting a wardrobe malfunction from a mile away. "I know the best set of seamstress sisters in town. Just mention a miss DiCarmello sent you and I bet they could give you a cheap deal." She paused, leaning forward slightly as she rested her elbows atop the table. "I think they look really cool, I've never seen ones colored like that before. Reminds me of a rainbow, or a moonstone."

open starter: @evermorehqsstart !!

location: outside sweet stuff ✧ open !

"No," he found himself whispering, shaking his head as she spoke, his tone bordering on that of a whiny toddler. "No, no, no." He didn't know what he was disagreeing with. He was only trying to get it to stop, to cut off her words, to refuse to see their relationship for what it was. Even if he tried to let her go, how was he meant to? He had tried. He'd tried time and time and time again. He'd tried as many times as he'd waltzed back into her life and she knew that, she had to know that.

His objections were causing the tears to stream faster and harder, sniffling as she tried to keep her hands from trembling against the doorknob. Carmen knew the moment that the door was closed she'd break down into full on chokings sobs. She just had to keep it together enough until she cut the cord. It was what was best for the both of them, even if it wasn't true she had to for her sanity alone. Only shaking her head lightly in disagreement. "We can only drive on the wrong side of the road for so long until one of us gets hit."

The more she spoke, the more it was becoming clear to Sterling that this time was different. Every word she said was pointed and honest, and he found it hard to breathe though the guilt that swelled in his chest, sprouting and winding like ivy around his ribcage. His lips only parted to seal themselves shut again, knowing damn well he couldn't deny it, any of it. She could part water for him and he would still find reasons to blow it all up, to run away, to hurt her again and again. This was something he already knew, and something he knew, deep down, she would grow tired of eventually. But she was the only person. She was the only one that had stayed. Throughout all of it, all of his bullshit and their petty arguments and the back and forth. It was a hard concept for him to grasp, the thought that she was done with him too. That the one person that refused to give up on him... had given up.

carmen wasn't sure why she assumed swizz would just agree; that it was better just to call it quits and cut their losses altogether. but he was still here, trying to salvage the broken pieces of their relationship. she had never pictured swizz fighting for her but she had to remind herself that he was doing it all for the wrong reasons. "I mean, exactly what I'm saying Swizz. Surely even you can see this isn't good for either of us? Me getting my hopes up every time that you'll miraculously turn around, pick me for a change. You having to deal with the aftermath of how I feel about you in the fallouts of our fights. It's toxic, you know it is. I was just stupid enough to play along for so long. I want you, and you want--whatever you need in that moment. I'm not blaming you for it either, I know it's hard for you--I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't care about you--about us."

The slap caught him off-guard, not realizing what he'd said or how it had sounded until she was taking a step back. "Shit. Fuck. I guess I deserved that," he mumbled, rubbing the sting she left behind on his cheek, missing the seconds before when her touch had been there, soft and warm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like... like that," he tried to explain, hands dropping back to his sides. He couldn't actually remember why she was angry with him... but he knew that it was for good reason. Honestly, he had given her far too many reasons to cut off contact before. Whatever the final straw had been hardly mattered, because he should have already crossed that line.

"Mhphm, deserved is more of an understatement." carmen mumbled in return. agitation edging her tone, crossing her arms over her chest as if she was creating a barrier between them. Usually she'd interject but she wanted to hear his reasoning--his excuse. sterling had let her down many times over the course of their friendship and not setting boundaries caused this riff in their relationship. she allowed herself to be a walking doormat and swizz happily wiped his feet upon entry anytime he needed a quick fix. her pupils widened at his words, almost blotting away the mahogany in her eyes. 'I just... miss you, Carm.' her attention shifted towards the floor after that because she knew deep down, what was true all along. he was never going to change.

"I'm fine. My boss," he only seemed to remember then, a frown tugging at his lips. He liked his boss. He was pretty cool, always easy on him and trusted Swizz enough, for whatever reason, after all this time, to give him a key to the place. His job sometimes was the only thing he had to look forward to, the only thing to give him any structure, and it was him that he had to thank for that. "I don't... I don't remember anyone else." He couldn't remember a single name on the list outside of Jarred, attempting to pluck his memory only bringing more fog to his mind. "Did you?"

"oh fuck." instantly flew out of her mouth, to think that it could've been swizz instead of his boss. how close he came to being plucked into the abyss with the rest of the names on that list. at his question she shook her head gently. "no, at least not anyone I knew closely. a few names felt familiar but that was about it."

It never felt like the last time. Somewhere in his head, whether it was true or not, Swizz always kind of assumed they'd end up together again. Not together-together, but... together. Maybe that was why he took Carmen for granted so much; he was so used to having her, to her just being there, that he never accepted a possibility of life without her. Or maybe he was just a shitty person, or maybe it was a bit of both. But now, seeing her fling open the door, and fling herself at him, he felt his breath catch in his throat. He hadn't really stopped to think about her actually not... being there. If he never had the chance to tell her goodbye, to hug her one more time. Even as he left work, he figured she'd be there to open the door. It wasn't until their eyes met that he realized how much any other possibility stung.

carmen let out a huff of air against his chest that she didn't realize she was holding in. she missed him, that much was obvious but this scenario rang different. over the years she had imagined his ending in a million different ways and circumstances. him driving recklessly under the influence, the drugs finally catching up to his heart, and plenty of other things. which was a morbid thought but anyone who knew sterling malarkey understood her fear. but losing him out of thin air? to go missing without an explanation like those handful of people on that list. it was unimaginable. she was mad, but damn it she was in love with him.

LOCATION: carmen's place FOR: @caramelxcarmen

even before the mayor dropped his psa, carmen had been feeling uneasy of late. she had noticed people go missing before the announcement even hit the public. not anyone she knew personally. just in the small bubble of her world. a sugar racer hadn't show up to a competition, one of her favorite barista's wasn't at his usual place behind the counter. it was like the people of evermore were being plucked out of the town one by one. she wouldn't have noticed if she had been with swizz, he took up so much of her attention that with their time apart she had gotten better at just observing.

He had made a mistake being so... real with her. Talking about his family, admitting his feelings ran deeper than he had before. Swizz hadn't noticed Carmen keeping her distance because he'd been keeping his own. It was dangerous territory, he was getting too close, and if he was a smart man he'd do what was best for both of them and end things then and there. But Swizz had never been a smart man.

Once the barrier of the door between them was removed it was hard to ignore the stench of alcohol that seemed to be radiating off him in fumes. It was becoming increasingly hard not to punch him, or to slam the door in his face. The words 'my girl' bouncing around in her head, trying to silence the impulse to throw her arms around him and whisper all is forgiven. But it wasn't. "Don't say things that aren't true Malarkey." The words came off harsher than she intended. Carmen didn't want to be cruel but what else could she do? Keep repeating the same cycle with him forever? It was senseless, and stupid. Even if noticing the spilt in his bottom lip caused the tension to release in her shoulders. It was like she was fighting her inner monologue. Fighting the urge to bring him inside and patch him up. Instead she kept still as the words flowed from her glossed lips. "Who'd you get into a brawl with this time? looks like you loss." His words made her swallow hard, fuck this was harder than she thought it was going to be. "Do you miss me, or do you only miss how you feel when being with me?" She wasn't sure if his drunken stupor was going to register the difference, but there was one. And it was important.