for far too long, i've ignored being true to myself. all i've ever wanted was to look composed (i got this! always!); soft and incapable (because i'm just a girl :<); and obedient (yes, sir! yes, ma'am!). and fastidious to a fault (nothing will ever slip past my watch!). and always managing despite the regardlesses (absolutely zero excuses!).

i wanted to be liked, to be adored like one of them young gifted minds, beauties, and talents i see everywhere. i loved the praises i'd already forgotten the exact wordings of. i just wanted that brief recognition. only to be forgotten again, to be set aside. because i'm always okay. i will always do fine.

and then i would feel pathetic once the show was done. disgusted even. who the fuck was that? what did i have to do it all for?

because in all honesty, i am cringe. whatever that means. a loser? i'm envious of those who were always one step ahead even if they never had to try. i wanted to be interesting so that you will stick around. i've given this role to myself of never causing (heck, not even being mainly the!) problems because i thought you would love me more that way. turns out that you loved me just enough to keep me from failing. so that i will always try. but what of those who barely tried and are still loved?

i laid out and met the conditions to be loved only to be proven otherwise, because what a wonder it is to be loved without having to perform!

without having to become somebody!

without having to look a certain way!

without having to go to greater heights and distant places!

without ever having to try THIS hard!!

i wanted to be liked, to be adored like one of them young gifted minds, beauties, and talents i see everywhere.

until i'm not young anymore.

and no, i don't want to be liked. not anymore. i don't want to be needed. and i would like to keep saying no more often, better than what i've been doing lately. i'd just like to show up where i'm wanted even if that means it's just myself and i'll never get to leave this house.

i just want.