It continued through the following day. Alex and I didnāt talk that much in the morning. It stinks- but Alex has a knack for reading minds. Not literally, but he knows how to pick up on even the smallest inconsistency that would be dismissed as insignificant by others and can tell when Iām still upset, even when I try to act like Iām fine.
In the end, I had a few free hours, so I ended up messaging a friend in Australia. Drew. Heās the only person I could think of who does as many religious studies as me, even tho heās an atheist, but when I explained the situation and all sides of the story- he understood and was welcoming and kind and respectful of my faith.
Drew brought up a lot of key points in regards to theocracy and how the context and POV regarding sexuality has changed a lot since biblical times. As well as translation/re-translations over literally centuries of certain passages. I write these journal entries months later, but what he said that ultimately sticks with me to this day was:
āEvery time the Bible is re-translated and different passages- regarding sexuality or otherwise- are concluded to hold a different meaning than originally thought, Christians will have to ask themselves every time if this new understanding is given to them by God, as he intended. Or is it mankind abusing their power to push their own agenda? And if itās the former, then Christians must then ask āwas it Godās intention for every follower before then to have the wrong understanding, and why was the previous interpretation so widely believed?ā
In retrospect...what he said didnāt 100% calm my fears, but it did give me a LOT to think about with how recent there is a lot of debate on if the word that is commonly translated to mean āhomosexualā in the bible is correct, or if it meant something that would be a modern-day pedophile...but thatās a whole other argument not meant for right now.
During the morning before I talked to Draw...Alex picked up that I was still upset, and even used the words ābreak up,ā thinking that I was considering leaving him over this kind of struggle. Alex and I talked it out more when I got home and I cried to him and apologized for making him worry.Ā He just kept trying to reassure me that everything was okay - that he would never let me go through these kinds of internal crises alone. I love him...I love him so much and when we have moments like these I canāt help but feel my faith restored in Christ.
He isnāt religious - I know. But Alex still carries all the qualities that make a good Christian, at times better than me. Heās kind, forgiving, generous, and has this seemingly limitless love and patience with others that I canāt even hold a candle to his radiance. When I look at him- and how blessed I am to have him in my life I canāt help but feel God really did put him in my life for a reason. Is he a reward? A reminder to strive to be a better person? I donāt know. But I do know that when I hear his voice I sometimes tremble, and when I feel his touch, I grow weak. When he smiles I feel lighter. When Iām with him...I feel like I have all the proof I could ever need that God still loves me.
Godā¦you love us every second weāre on Earth, no matter our sins. Can gay people go to heaven?
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Even now, nine months after April 2020 is over, itās hard to talk about. My father called and all but directly said he would like to see me break up with Alex.
I donāt talk about it at all, and I donāt know why. Iām not ashamed of it, nor do I feel itās controversial to other aspects of my personality. Maybe itās because religion is a triggering and sensitive topic to me- one that rots my mental health and drains me. Regardlessā¦
My father has always been emotionally manipulative of me ever since I was a kid, and this was no exception. He has always tried to use religion to control me and my siblings and ironically itās now the reason my brother and sister have denounced all religious beliefs. I am the only one who still believes in God, and the only reason is thanks to close friends like Ryan, Clay, and Danielle- friends from back home who were very devoted in their faith, even now as adults but showed me a kindness and acceptance that I never got at home.
I think that the number one reason people ultimately denounce religion (but especially Christianity) has nothing to do with any scientific evidence supporting there to be no God, or for the Bible to me entirely falsified, but more so to do with the majority, and the loudest with religious beliefs- often finding them to be the most intolerant, most manipulative, spiteful, hypocritical, and all-around terrible people on the planet. The kind of people who have to drag, kicking and screaming into new ideas and progress for the world when they are determined to drag everyone down to justify their beliefs that lead to hate and oppression of all kinds.
āEventually the road is going to narrow and youāre going to have to make a choice. You canā keep carrying sins on your shoulder the longer your life goes,ā was what Dad said in the end. It triggers me- a lot of old, very terrible emotions I had in my teen years when I realized I was gay- when I realized that there was nothing I could do to change myself, an what several Bible verses have said about what sin is defined as, and about gay people.
Sin isnāt just the physical acts one performs. Sin is in thought and feels. Jesus himself had said in the book of Matthew that even if you get angry with your fellow man then you have committed murder in your heart. Even if I went my whole life, never dating or sleeping with anyone, I would still be committing sin as a homosexual in my attraction, in every time I look at another man and think of them in a romantic way, in a sexual way, etc. But repressing it all has lead toā¦ā¦. I do not take the term āI no longer fear Hellā lightly. But when I had tried repressing my sexuality, I did- I no longer feared Hell.
Those years were self-harm. Self-hatred. Shame. Depression. Fear of love. Fear of connection. Fear of everything except Hell because I felt like I was already there. Yet I know that Heaven is vastly different than what we imagine it will be like- and Hell as well. I fear for myself- my soul more often than I am comfortable to admit because Earthly life is temporary. Whatever comes after that is eternal. Now, I fear Hell.
Alex knows Iām religious. He isnāt. That night I didnāt want to talk to him. I didnāt want to see him on video-call because I didnāt know what to think or feel. When I told him what happened he was patient and respectful beyond what I feel I deserve. He just kept sending me messages of encouragement- of understanding- said how much I had helped in his own beliefs with battling homophobia in his friend groups- that what my dad was doing was explicitly a way of taking advantage of those who are gay but want to have faith in God- that it leaves us more vulnerable to this kind of abuse. Alex said how much he loved me and didnāt want to leave me alone with how upset I was.
I just panicked, and couldnāt bring myself to respond with anything except āI know,ā every time before going to bed. I donāt deserve him- I donāt deserve someone who can show me this much love and when it matters most I just trip and canāt muster strength for anything. As a human being, who desires to be loved, and to love another I cling to Alex. But as a Christian, I cling to God.
After an expected vacation thanks to COVID-19, the new school year has started (for now). I wonāt be teaching since itās the first week, but I was so happy to reintroduce myself to the kids and surprise them with the fact that I go to stay. Quite a few seemed very happy.
Unfortunately, quite a few teachers I liked left. Kiko-sensei is gone, which hurt the most. She was the other big nerd of the office with me and spoke decent English. Taku-sensei, too. Mizuki-sensei also left, which was kind of a tragedy for me. I know that his position was only temporary because he was doing special education, but he was always a joy to be around. Lastly, Kenta-sensei is gone...which I suspected. He wasnāt well liked in the office, save by me.
At the very least, Hiroshi-sensei is still around. We hung out during the break and it was a farewell dinner...because we thought I was leaving at the time.
Wakana-sensei is also staying. She, as well as Tomomi-sensei well...weāve kind of all gotten along more and more.
Atsunori-sensei? Well IāM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS! Year 2, he got 3rd grade and it actually went super well because he had to loosen up to keep up with the kids, and turns out the whole year was super fun in that class. During it all, he kind of picked up a lot of the grammar and itās really shocking. He is starting to understand and speak more- WAY MORE than when we first met. Weāre FWENDS!
New teachers, now.Ā Hurue is the only new person that I have to work with on a regular occasion and...we donāt like each other. In fact, she kind of annoys me. She is always looking over my shoulder, looking at my computer screen as Iām writing my journals, my fanfics, my novels, etc. Even now, 9 months later she still does it. Doesnāt matter- since she canāt read anything I write.
Between all this, J was fired from our company, and to be honest...given the reason I canāt blame them. However, he will be staying in Japan because he has married N-chan. She was the Japanese woman whom I was teaching with at an Eikaiwa once a week, for a bit. Itās a little coincidental, but if they like each other then Iām happy for them.
However...as these last few days stretch, I have and less desire to continue going to church. After going for nearly two years, it's become clear that I only go because they are the only English speaking religious establishment close to me (that isnāt Jehovahās Witnesses or Mormons). I can tell J does not actually enjoy my company. He didnāt even invite me to his wedding, but told R that I could come āif I wanted.ā I ended up being the camera man, recording the event. Regardless, Richardās preaching has reached a point where I just...donāt feel good coming to church anymore.
The past few sermons have all been about Godās view of others and the last time I went it was all about how God canāt use his children to accomplish their plan unless they follow his law, completely and strive for perfection. Yet...another church Iāve watched online has said the exact opposite; saying that God is never finished using his followers, whether they be imperfect, broken, misshapen, or struggling in their own lives with sin. He still finds use for you no matter what.Ā
Not to mention, on more than 1 occasion, his wife, the one who translates everything into JPN for our JPN members, has just...stopped translating for him. Refused to do so because sheās disagreed with what heās saying. I wish I could talk to her normally just once. Have a bible study with her, or listen to her preach on her own.
Despite all this, I keep going. R and I still support and help each other. Just as Iām helping him move, he is helping me move. Iām young and have more man-power. He has a truck. And then...the month came to an end. My boss called and told me ānevermind. Youāre staying there.ā After weeks of trying to get ready to move, even selling furniture and going all the way down to Yokohama during this pandemic to try and find apartments, it all fell through the cracks, and the BOE decided to renew the contract for next year. I found out 20 minutes after the schoolās farewell ceremony, after saying goodbye to my kids, the BOE, and the school staff.
Itās a relief, but also a slight disappointment. They thought they had found me a position instead all the way down in Yokohama I could work at, which would give me super cheap and easy access to Tokyo to see Alex every weekend. However, in staying, I donāt have to take out a loan from the company, and go 300,000 yen in debt. Alex admitted he was upset, but weāre moving past it, and still making the most of the current situation. Trying to see each other every 2 weeks.
I donāt know what I was supposed to learn from this, or if this is even a good or a bad ending to my second year, but...itās AN ending, and I guess thatās all that matters right now.
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Work told me that there is a chance that I will not be coming back to my school next year after this contract ends, all because of the BOE. They say that Interac is too expensive to continue...even though Interac isnāt even charging them enough to cover my salary. Interac is literally losing money on me being at this school. From a business perspective, I understand, but now they are saying they want to move me all the way up to Sapporo and Iām expected to pay for all the moving expenses with almost no money saved up, and only 6 weeks until the semester ends. No one knows what they are doing in getting a transfer ready for me, and with such a short time until the school ends...Iām scared.
During my birthday, we couldnāt do much since coronavirus has become widespread across Japan. The NiER Automata concert and Download Fest were canceled. Movies are being postponed. So Alex and I ended up crashing in a hotel alone one weekend. And the other weekend was spent in my apartment playing Animal Crossing. It wasnāt bad. In fact, it was very wholesome and cute fun with him. In the end, Iām just glad I got to spend two weekends in a row with him.
In the meantime, Iāve begun to study Spanish so that I can better communicate with him. Alex is fluent in English, and his Japanese is even better than mine, but I want to be fair with him. So, bit by bit, Iām doing a bit of Spanish practice. UwU
This month was a bit busy. It included both Valentineās Day and Alexās birthday in the same weekend. We decided that since My birthday is so close to White Day it would be easy for both of us to celebrate each holiday and the otherās birthday at the same time. So for Valentineās Day I paid for most of the weekend (since it was still his birthday) and heāll be paying me back next month. It was a lovely weekend together, going to the Studio Ghibli Museum (a surprise gift for him), the Pokemon Cafe, and to see Twittering Birds Never Fly -the clouds gather-. However, he still got me chocolate and a small Valentineās Day gift. He surprised meā¦.
While on the phone a few weeks ago, I had mentioned that I collect sleepy Pokemon dolls and somehow...he found one of my favorite Pokemon. Absol! I didnāt even know they made one of Absol. It was about the size of a small beanie-baby, but still, the fact that he remembered the detail and found it, still means a lot to me. I have it sitting beside my pillow on my bed, now. UwU
We crashed at a net-cafe since we had to catch night buses and trains back to our homes. I said goodbye to him in the street and when he hugged me he said the l-word. And I...said it back. In truth, part of me thought it was a bit early to actually say it, but it still felt genuine and honest to say āI love you.ā Weāre a little over a month into our relationship but every moment with him feels so warm, so safe, and kind. I donāt feel constricted or like I need to behave any certain way around him at all. He just...accepts every part of me.
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Alex and I met up in Tokyo after I got back from Europe. For the first day, we decided to just do small things in the city like karaoke and get books from one of the only English-providing stores in the country. Then...we checked into our hotel room and fucked like pigs.
I donāt know if it was from all the stress from the last few months or because of the sex Iād been having for the past 2 years had been mediocre, but it was just so heavenly with him that my eyes rolled into the back of my head. I couldnāt think of anything during the entire time. Just him...only him and how good it felt with him. Yet the best part was the afterglow and cuddling. Heās so much taller than me (6 inches) that he makes the perfect big-spoon. The way our bodies fit perfectly against one another and how he held me made me feel so warm and safe that I fell asleep almost immediately. We woke up around 7pm and went out to get dinner and a few drinks.
The following day we went to Disneyland and had plenty of fun, save a few flashes of jet lag from myself. He had never been to a Disney park before so it was fun, seeing him take it all in. We got to do all the classics from The Haunted Mansion, Peter Pan, Snow Whiteās Scary Adventure, and even Monsterās Inc and Poohās Hunny Hunt. It was a fun time. As the day stretched on we got friendly, and I noticed we were standing closer to one another and...even holding hands. Funny, but I had worried about this whole idea. Standing in line for literally hours didnāt sound like the best idea for a date, but there was hardly a moment where we were bored. We just...talked the whole time.
That evening we got a private hotel room at a bathhouse but didnāt do much. We were both rather tired from everything that after a soak in the hot baths we both fell asleep really easy in our room.
In the morning, we were laying around, cuddling, and laughing. I felt bold and asked him if he wanted to try being boyfriends and he said yes! He said that heād been wanting to ask me himself ever since we were at the park yesterday and just...we both left holding hands, ecstatic. It would seem Iāve entered the new decade with a boyfriend.
Iām not sure how to explain it but at this point, weāve spoken to each other every day for over two months and just...everything was clicking. We like a lot of the same stuff and he had already seen my NSFW Twitter account. Hell, thatās how he found me. So he already knew how much of a freak I am and yet he still gives me every bit of respect as anyone else would. On top of that, heās ambitious, finishing his masterās degree here and already pushing for his PHD. Right now it looks like Alex is everything that I could ask forā¦.
He leaves Japan in September, but we already knew that. Still, we want to see where this goes in the next few months.
Iāve been in Portugal for a few days now, and thankfully Dio is still alive and well. The time here has been relaxing and fun. Iām not sure how to explain it but when I go on vacation in brand new areas it feels like Iāve completely left the entire world. Is it the factor that everything is brand new or is it just the distance of everything? Iām not sure but stepping out of the airport into Europe felt like everything in my life was given a clean slate, the same kind of feeling it was when I first came to Japan for a vacation in 2012.
Dio is alive and healthy for the most part, tho still suffering from depression. Itās a little awkward at times because Iām staying with him and his parents and he has to do 99% of any translating. His parents canāt speak English at all, but they are kind people. He had his therapy appointment one night and it was just myself and Dioās father. Via Google Translate we had a very stimulating conversation about philosophy, mental stability, and psychiatric theory. He really does care about Dio but it would seem he doesnāt make it clear, because Dio had said how his father always acts distant, even annoyed with him most of the time when it comes to his depression. Yet what I saw was the exact opposite.
Saying goodbye at the airport was a bit saddening. After spending a full week with them, Dioās mother even got a little teary. Typical promises were made of returning, of them coming to Japan next time, and Iām sure this wonāt be the last we see of each other. Everything is just a bit complicated between my work and Dioās mental health issues that traveling can be difficult for everyone. Still, I think this is far from the last we have seen of each other.
Between all this, Alex and I have been talking every single day after we had dinner together. It still feels like God is mocking me and Iām making a mistake but every day Alex continues to be kind, uplifting, and ambitious when he tells me about his studies. The more we talk the more clear it is that we have been thinking the same thing. As the days have turned into weeks weāve been slowly flirting a bit more. The ālittle somethingā we planned for New Years has turned into a full weekend plan of going to Disneyland and sharing a hotel room together, and going to one of Tokyoās most famous gay bathhouses together. Between it all we finally admitted that weāre attracted to one another and want to sleep together. So...weāll see what happens.
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I just feel...drained. Between grandfather, M, and Alex reminding me of Will I want to just...sleep.
Diogo tried to kill himself...again. Heās the reason Iām going to Portugal. Originally we planned this back in June or July and it had been because I was looking for absolutely every excuse to avoid going home for Christmas this year. After last year I just didnāt want to return home ever again, and now that grandfather has passed there is even less reason for me there.Ā
Heās depressed, feeling lost in life and not finding joy in anything. Heās been saying how it all feels pointless to him, and that everything heās wanted to do has already happened and so he sees no reason to keep on living.
I love Diogo very much and Iāve been talking to him every day between when dating M and Alex but itās also tiring. Iām drained. Iām hurting. I have no time for myself but the second I shift my focus away from anything I turn around to see someone is either dead or trying to kill themselves. I canāt stand it.
One of the final scenes in Blood+ is where Saya and Diva stab each other with their blood-swords and for unexplained reasons, only Diva ends up petrifying when everything points out that they both should. Saya clings to her sisterās body as she starts to crumble, screaming āplease take me with you.ā I donāt know how to explain but it feels like Iām in that scene, clinging to Dio and my grandfather, trying to hold their bodies together even when I know itās useless. Or am I trying to hold myself together? I donāt know anymoreā¦
All I can do is keep texting him, telling him to hold out, and that Iāll be there to see him, soon. Just a few words every day and heāll message me the next day to tell me heās alive. The cycle repeats and the days are ticking byā¦. His parents know about whatās going on and they are beyond concerned, making him see a therapist and put him on anti-depressants. As drained as I am, I canāt help but feel itās a good thing for his own sake that Iām going to see him. If only for a week, Iāll be able to monitor him and make sure he doesnāt hurt himself.
