mianybell

This is Watercolor 101.

I think we both agree that I’m better.

You be the student, and I’ll be the teacher.

Let me paint you the story of how I knew you were the one.

What an introduction—a book-worthy plot

I  was whole when I saw you—then I came undone

A  bit rough around the edges. I kid. A lot. A lot.

Nonetheless, unattached.

A complete blank slate—a sheet of watercolor paper, if you will.

Ready to be painted on: hues of pink, red, and our favorite teal.

An exciting meet-cute foundation, sealed with a kiss.

A glaze of bright neon.

Layer upon layer of bliss,

Every color an experience, every wash a connection.

But watercolor is unforgiving; it doesn’t let you forget.

You don’t want to paint something you’ll always regret.

Cover it up, and you risk ruining the art.

Poke a big, fat hole in my heart.

This is Watercolor 101: you’re the artist, and I’m the white paper.

Behold the piece we’ve made so far.

Do you like it? I think I do, though I’m no curator.

Do you see it?

The green patch of paint in the corner—left by the former?

Never fully lifted, never mine to erase.

Watercolor is unforgiving,

I got engaged last December in Taiwan!

Marriage talks began in late 2024, and to be honest, I was a bit anxious because it would mean uprooting my whole life and moving to the US. I thought about it long and hard—I never wanted to move to the US. However, long-distance proved to be quite challenging; the enormous amount of patience, trust, and courage one has to possess, along with the constant longing, loneliness, and overthinking, was just too much.

And because I love him, ultimately, I agreed.

I can say that I am in a happy relationship right now; however, some things are hard to forget.

Last November 2024, I opened up to A about how I knew he was still following random girls on Instagram and constantly liked thirst traps. It made me feel uncomfortable, disrespected, and it honestly gave me the ick. I just started therapy then, and we were just beginning to forget about the huge fight we had a couple of weeks back. I remembered Soy saying that that kind of thing didn't really bother her, and I wanted to be more like her. I was aware of my insecurities and how I was still starting to learn how to heal from a bunch of things that are wrong with me lol. So, I tried to approach the matter in a way that kind of undermined how disrespected I felt at the time. I tried to be apologetic about it, highlighted that it could be my insecurity talking, that's why it bothered me.

I shouldn't have done that...

He agreed that it was my insecurity. What really triggered me, and what will be forever etched in my brain, is, he felt validated when people liked his photos, so basically, he liked all these pictures because he liked what he saw, and he wanted them to feel validated??? I don't know if I remember it all correctly, but that's what I remember, and, honestly, I stopped listening the second I realized that conversation would be going nowhere. He made me feel like there was indeed something wrong with me for feeling insecure about his IG likes and following. I felt defeated. I cried.

Hours later, he sent a message saying he finally understood where I was coming from, and he would unfollow these girls and stop liking thirst traps. I replied with a thank you... Til this day, I don't know why the change of heart. I never wanted to talk about it again after that.

It's been a year. It's already been a year, but I still think about it. I mean, it's good that he said he'll stop and won't follow random girls anymore, but I know he still has some girls there, in his following. It's not helping that he has more girls in his following than I do hahaha. It's embarrassing. I see mutuals liking girls with big ass boobs dancing with barely any clothes on, and I feel for their girlfriends/wives. I keep hoping other girls won't see my boyfriend's name under those videos/pictures and feel the same towards me.

I learned from therapy that I shouldn't invalidate myself. I kept telling myself na ang OA ko lang, but no. It matters to me, so it should matter to my partner, too. What helps is that I know he loves me and he's trying his best to make me feel loved despite the distance, but this is a wound I'm still trying to heal. Healing is a slow process, and maybe one day I'll get a chance to get past this or open up to him again about this.

I went to Expo last Friday with Sleepy. Soy was not able to make it because she was sick. I nearly got mad at Sleepy because I thought he was going to cancel on me—we had agreed to meet at 6PM, but he said he might get stuck in traffic and arrive at 8PM. Nevertheless, I thought it would be a great opportunity to practice not being self-conscious in public when I'm alone. I used to be so independent and could do anything by myself, but since my previous relationship made me codependent, it's a sickness I'm trying to heal hahaha.

I sat myself at our (me and Aldrich) favorite corner at Fred's—that corner by the Keanu Reeves shower curtain, and ordered a Smirnoff and sausage and mash while reading Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. It was hard not to feel self-conscious and retreat into my own bubble, but I managed to read over 40 pages before Sleepy arrived.

I had on-site work today, hence the fit and the pictures. I kinda regret wearing this to work; I should've worn this on Friday. I'm going to meet Sleepy and Soy at Expo after many months of not hanging out. I miss them. I can't wait to vent out some things and for them to scold me like a child.

I haven't been feeling good lately. I spend way too much time hidden inside the house, alone. I do talk to Aldrich all the time, and I like being at home, but LDR just fucking sucks. Although it strengthens a relationship, it can also feel lonely and sad. I wanna hug my Pan so bad.

Now, I'm overthinking a lot of things about him, me, and our relationship. There are things I'm embarrassed or scared to tell him. I want him to reassure me all the time, but I don't want to seem needy. I should be making progress already with all the therapy sessions I've been doing, but why do I feel like it's taking fucking forever? I actually have a session tomorrow, and I'm not quite sure what to talk about with the psychologist. My feelings and thoughts are all over the place, just a big pile of strings I cannot unravel yet.

My love, do you remember the first time I confessed to you? The place was loud, chaotic, I was anxious if you did too. My world shifted when you replied— A little quicker than I’d expected. I swear I could’ve cried that day, Two souls had never felt more connected.

My love, do you remember the first time you left me? I held back tears, Hollow, empty. You carried my heart as you left with a promise, While I clung to the ghost of our very last kiss.

More than a year, and it never gets easier. If I were a god who wielded power, I’d move mountains, calm oceans, for my lover. This much I know: our love is stronger than time, Greater than distance, unbroken, sublime. Yearning, patience, and persistence— All etched deep into my existence.

We went to BKK last month, and now, we're starting the petition process. Excited and nervous to close the distance.

It was my birthday yesterday. Aldrich gave me flowers and cash. His mom gave me a baby pink Kate Spade bag. I went to Cubao Expo with friends and got tipsy. Despite the terrible lunch I had with my parents, my birthday was a blast.

Ang pretty ko.