This is a story [about a girl]

i found this in my notepad on my comp. wrote it a few years ago. 

pretty much sums up my feelings now. i changed a few things but not much. 

*my grammar and punctuation is horrendous*** lol (too lazy to fix)

::::::::::::::

My Grandma.

how she was always there. she helped me through becomming a woman.

and who better then her. she was and still is, my role model. of what kind of woman to be. independant, doesnt take shit from no man and no one. isnt supported by a man, had her own shit in order, feet firmly planted in the ground and a fist ready to meet some teeth if need be. she was there when i fell in love for the first time with matt. she helped us see each other. drove me to the mall with raven. shed help me thro a few break ups with matt as well. i miss her everyday. she was/is my hero. she was a lil irish lady standing at a meer 4'11", but could cook like she was born in italy thanks to my great grandparents from my grandpas side. she was the glue to our family, and its really sad, really really really sad to realize tht she was. and for her, i am greatful to of had, had a grandmother, so wise, independant and kick ass as her. RIP.<3

My Mom.

My family may rag on her so bad sometimes, but theres atleast one thing tht we all can say mom has done a significant thing for us. she taught me how to be a respectable young woman. she helped mold me into a young woman who can hold her head up high and not her legs apart. teaching me morals, and guidelines like "the bend over test" for going skirt shopping, or just general self respect. my moms morals are strong, and she passed them down to me, along with her freckles, which i guess i can now say is a good thing. my mom i am grateful for, for teaching me self respect, and just everyday morals like respect ur elders, and hold the door open for the next person, and to appologize when uve hurt someone, things we all take for granted, but until u see or meet another person who hadnt had a mother or up bringing like that of ur own then u will see how important it is. im also grateful for her sobriety. im so proud of my mom, we may fight at times and wish to choke the other, but deep down...i hate it. sometimes when we'd fight id run inside my room and cry really hard because i hate fighting with her. i just wish sometimes she'd listen to the words i say and actually try to understand where im coming from. but im sure i should do the same for her as well. maybe then the fighting would be less. i love my mom, with out her...i'd go crazy.  thank you mom, for teaching me what it means to be a respectable, mannered, young lady. and for your smile :)

My Dad.

smartest person i know. my father doesnt even have his GED, high school diploma, no college diploma, nothing....and is smarter then half his team in IBM. my dad is the kind of person tht is understanding, open minded, and listens to both sides. he views things from all sides, not just two. it kills me inside whenever something goes wrong with my jeep because i never end up having enough money to pay for the repairs so my dad normally does it. and i hate it. but at the sametime, i thank him, for having my back, showing me tht its ok to b human, to fuck up at times, expecially now while im young, because these are the years tht we learn. trial and error. lol he never lets me forget tht i look so much like my other grandma(his mom), which im ok with, she was and still is beautiful. i love my dad, and all that he has done for me. and for him, i am grateful to have as a dad. and i am most definatly proud to say is my father.

My Brothers, Anthony & Nicholas.

I think, no i know, they have no idea how much they mean to me.

thinking back at how much we've grown, the memories we have as little kids buggin each other, gettin into fights, playing pretend....i never forget them. and to see them mature into young men, gets me so much. im so proud of them.

Anthony for his courage to take on his title as the smart one, he under estimates himself, even tho he says we all over estimate him, i know hes just as smart as we think, just because hes being lazy now or is failing a few things doesnt mean hes not, it means hes human. and im so proud of everything he has achieved up to now, and i cant wait to see all the other achievements he will bestow on us. you go little brother.

And Nicholas. hes alot like me tht fuckin kid. emotions get the better of him, he thinks with his heart, not his head. very charasmatic, a charmer, and lady killer. he better slow his role before i knock him into next year. =P hes got alot of growing to do, hes only 15, but i can tell he wants to grow up way too fast. i remember when he was a little baby how fuckin cute he was with his light baby blonde hair nd no eyebrows. and now hes mr. macho man takin on the ladies. 

i got anthony in so much trouble when we were little, he was my little side kick, and people thought we were twins when we were little cuz of how much we looked alike, and nicholas is the black sheep of the family, he sticks out and doesnt look as much like me and ant do, but we are siblings. theres been a few times theyve needed me, and ive needed them, and for tht i am grateful, that i have such amazing brothers, who i love more then anything in this world. 

Others in my life.

All have come, and all have gone.

but all had a purpose, and lesson that came with them. some stayed longer than others, but

still just temporary. i am still grateful to of had the priviledge to get to know all of them and share the laughs and smiles and awesome times with them. part of who i am now as a young lady, is thanks to the trial and errors i went through with them all. i learned a great deal of wisdom from my nights out and my days spent sleeping in from recovering the night prior. thank you all, for putting up with my crazy ass. 

Myself.

::::My online log about my surrender:::

life is good. 

my jeep is almost all fixed up. i have money in my pocket for once from staying home and saving. im getting better at understanding who i am as well. which honestly is something ive been trying to achieve for a year now. not to mention...i can now finally walk past forever 21 without having an urge to buy something. 

sure i have no boyfriend, or even any friends anymore. My eating habits could still be better, and i really should cut back more on newports. i dont do anything exciting even in the slightest and im not 100% comfortable in my own skin still like i aspire to be one day. 

But honestly, guys are lame. friends are only temporary anyway. Atleast im not anorexic or on the brink of being, like i was two summers ago. and after all ive achieved with my spending addiction i think cigarettes are ok for now(curbs both the stress and need to spend). All i ever did back when i would go out was risk getting caught by police in abandoned places, sit being bored at a parking lot in a car, or the best, in the driveway of someones house being just as equally bored (maybe high and bored).

Everything back then lacked logical sense financially, entertainment and socially, and physically. I'd wake up tired, and regretful for staying out so damn late for nothing. My job concerning my work enthusiasm and over all performance suffered tremendously. Plus the Constant desire to drive would be the ultimate downfall of my beloved Jeep.

Ever since i finally said "ok fine! you have my unconditional surrender." to life and karma, life just keeps getting better. Again, it may not be exciting, or a huge dramatic difference, and even maybe seen as lame and worst than it was prior to some. but honestly, from my stand point, the liver of this life, i can say it has gotten better. 

i wrote this surprisingly not when i had my depression issue.

it was a good few years back though that i did write this by channeling the emotions and pain i felt back in the day. the ending of the poem i have no idea where it came from. (i just re-found this on my computer) figure i'd share it. 

wake me up,

let me breathe,

let me feel alive again,

need some sleep,

take some Zs,

lets breathe,

just breathe,

feel my blood rush through my viens,

lets all sing along again,

1,

2,

3,

forget your fear,

you are here,

never the less,

take a bite,

out of spite,

bear your teeth,

show your heart,

spinning,

spinning,

fall apart.

breathe,

breathe,

just breath,

happiness is but only temporary,

says the pessimist to the heart,

optimism is but only ignorance to the smart,

feel the blood gush from her gut,

her knife wrote like poetry on her skin,

sirens, lights,

megaphone and men,

so many things dancing in her head,

breathe,

breathe,

just breathe,

take my breath,

make it stop,

one last kiss,

all chocked up,

feeling heavy,

almost there,

feeling light,

lighter then air,

looking down below me,

all i see is you,

looking up at me,