O Captain! My Captain!

So my discord peeps and I were talking about Tommy's family the other day and it got me thinking about this lol (in the far far recesses of my brain)

So when Tommy’s was young, his mom mom got cancer. She fought it for years off an on and ended up dying from it the year before Tommy turned 17 and ran off to join the army. (Which you can do at 17 with parental consent).

Things were… not great in the Kinard Household during those years, Kinard sr was verbally abusive (sometimes phsycailly too) and a drunk to deal with the stress of his wife’s illness. Plus he someway or another finds out Tommy’s gay and gets all homophobic on his son? Maybe, added angst is great…

Tommy runs off and in the meanwhile Kinard Sr remarries a younger woman. But then, unbeknownst to Tommy, sobers up and actually becomes a semi-decent person. He has other kids and sends a picture one year on a xmas card to Tommy while he’s overseas and Tommy just… can. Not. Deal. With. That.

Fast forward a few years, The stepmom is begging to have Tommy down for the holidays, like aboslutely adamant. She wants her kids to meet their half brother, not just the phone calls she manages to convince Tommy to have with her and them, she wants Tommy to have a family. she doesn’t care if he’s gay or not, but getting Tommy to agree has been a struggle. (and he’s been saying no for years and years tyvm)

But something gives after the breakup, the step-mom begs and pleads and Tommy says yes. For some reason the words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. Fuck it. He’s lonely. Even Kinard Sr is on the phone and he fucking has the gall to sound excited. And Tommy’s shook, thinks he’s the most shook he’s ever been in his life… right up until Step-mom, let’s call her Carol? Says: “And you can bring your new man with you, the other firefighter you mentioned last time! It will be so nice to finally meet him! Oh I can’t wait to tell the kids.”

Then carol hangs up.

And bam. It hits Tommy all over again that he’s no longer dating Evan. Cue sad sack… but how is Tommy going to do this. Does he need to call Carol up and tell her that he and Evan imploded?

In a fit of idiocy, Tommy tells his woes to Chimney. (Going back to the Kenny saying he and tommy are still in contact) And Chimney just says. “Invite Buck. Please.”

Chimney, being Chimney refuses to elaborate.

Tommy tries to find a way out of it, begging his captain who just laughs at him and tells him to call the crazy man of the 118.

Even Lucy is chomping at the bit.

Tommy makes the second mistake of calling Chimney back. Chimney just tells him the time and date at a local coffee shop and he’ll send Buck.

At the allotted time and date Tommy buys his own coffee and immediately spots Evan at a table.

He looks weirdly small. Big, muscular still in the way their job requires… but there’s something in the shift of his shoulders, in the hunch to his spine that just feels… sadder. More hurt.

Bobby, Tommy reminds himself as he draws near. Spots the second coffee Evan’s set halfway across the small coffee table and Tommy winces.

Winces again when Buck turns, immediately finding him in the crowd. Damn but he looks good, and Tommy’s stomach does the usual flip it does when ever he looks at him.

Buck looks sheepish as he pushes the coffee he got for Tommy away, cheeks red when Tommy just sits and pulls it back towards him.

They make idle chit chat for a while, it’s halting and awkward, but familiar.

Finally Tommy explains his pradicament. That he knows it’s a lot, and kind of weird to ask your ex to Christmas dinner with his awful father, and his new family. But Would Evan be interested in coming with him?

Bucks face lights up.

“I mean it wouldn’t be real,” Tommy shrugs, skin tight around his mouth. “but it would be a real help—“

Buck’s face shudders then. Something bone achingly, indiscribably sad in his eyes. But just as fast as it comes, it’s covered up under a mask Tommy’s never seen on Evan before. And it feels awful. Tommy feels like he just dropped 1500 feet out of the sky.

“Oh… like… fake dating?” Buck is suddenly sitting back in his chair, and Tommy didn’t realize how close they had leaned together.

Tommy feels like he’s just said the exactly wrong thing. Or Evan’s said the wrong thing.

They both have. And they’re back in the kitchen again.

Before the air can be cleared, Buck agrees to Christmas. “You broke the law for me twice Tommy, you saved my entire crew. Twice. Christmas is the very least I can do.”

So they go to Portland two weeks later. As fake boyfriends.

Maybe Tommy’s dad picks them up at the airport, Kinard Sr is a completely different person than the man Tommy knew. Smiles haltingly, awkwardly, like he doesn’t know how to greet his own son at the arrivals’ gate.

“You’ve grown.” Sr says.

“It’s been 23 years… I would hope so.” Tommy says in the bitchy way he has.

Buck snorts but tries to keep it quiet, fails, and draws Kinard Sr’s attention. He greets Buck far too loudly and far too friendly to be completely real. Shakes Buck’s hand and welcomes them to Portland in a way that screams he’s uncomfortable but trying not to show it.

The entire car ride is mostly silent.

It’s less awkward when they get to the house, Carol at least has some tact and is very friendly, and closer to Tommy’s age than his father’s. The kids are very excited to meet Tommy. (Let’s pretend they’re two young boys I dunno) and they provide a great distraction.

They’re staying with the family in the guest bedroom, and Tommy is like, ‘oh no we should have gotten a hotel.’

Buck agrees with a longing in his eyes Tommy can see. But they say nothing else.

They come back downstairs, and Sr has poured the nice whiskey for the four adults, but Buck just blushes and says he’s sober. Tries to apologize but Carol just waves him off and says Tommy didn’t mention that and pours him some of the sparkling apple juice they got for the kids for over the holidays or something fun.

Tommy feels very confused because when did that happen? And Sr is doing his very best impersonation of .__. face with how he’s holding back saying something. Tommy almost wants to dare him too.

Dinner is only not awkward because the boys are very excited and Buck is quite content to tell them wild stories about fire fighting and Tommy’s wild adventures.

Kinard Sr looks shocked and impressed when Buck tells them about the hurricane. Tommy has no idea what to do with that.

Carol just looks sea sick at the very idea.

When they go to bed that night Buck just grabs his pillow and spare blanket, throwing them both on the floor.

Tommy’s almost mad. Arms crossed defensively. “You don’t have to seclude yourself to the floor. We’re both adults… “ Evan winces, and Tommy tries to bite back his annoyance. He’s already stressed and they’ve got an entire week here. “I’ve already seen you naked.”

Evan winces instead of laughs, arms going tight around his torso and covering a random spot on his hip. “I.. uh… I kick a lot… in my sleep now. I don’t want to hurt you.”

‘too late for that.’ Tommy thinks. Then frowns. Sure Evan had been a mobile sleeper before, but it was usually in search of a heat source or something to cuddle. He’d never kicked before. “I can take a few jabs to the ankle. I’m not Diaz.”

He expected that to get a laugh.

But Buck just winces harder. Eyes falling to the floor. Then he’s sinking down and rearranging the blankets with shaking hands and—

Tommy has no idea whats happening. But he knows one thing, “Evan you’re not sleeping on the floor.”

Cue some back and forth and Tommy threatening to pick Buck up and put him to bed, in a tone low enough that no one can hear them through the walls mind you. Before Buck relents.

He keeps to his side of the bed, the furthest to the edge he can get without falling off.

Tommy’s not offended. He is. Falls asleep with a huff. But wakes with a sharp heel to his shin.

Finds Evan clearly having a nightmare, except he’s awake, crying and gasping in that way someone’s learned when they need to keep quiet so as to not wake someone else.

The way Tommy used to when he didn’t want to wake his dad.

Tommy slowly gets Buck calm, and Buck tries to go for the floor again, but Tommy, in a move he may hate himself for later—because he’s a glutton for punishment when that punishment is Evan Buckley—tugs Evan close and feels the way Buck’s breath almost shatters when he lays half on top of him like he used to. ‘The best weighted blanket’ Evan used to say.

This time Buck’s fingers claw into Tommy’s back, clutching desperately, until finally Evan’s breathes even out. Tommy lays awake and wonders What The Fuck.

They don’t talk about it the next morning, a mask Tommy’s never seen Buck wear is back in place, and they go down to breakfast together and pretend like they’re a couple. It’s so easy to fall back into it. The touches and kisses, eyes always meeting across the room and Christmas decorations.

Tommy keeps waiting for his dad to say something. Anything. But it’s like Tommy has no idea who this man is. He wears the same face as his father, but there’s no trace of the rye soaked bitter man who watched his wife and Tommy’s mother wither away in a sea of tumours and radiation and who took it out on his only son. Tommy has no idea what to do with the doting father who helps a son pour OJ into his cup. Has no idea what to do with the man who plays star dew valley with his other son.

The man who couldn’t be bothered to feed and care for Tommy is no where to be found. The one who signed his consent form to leave for the army is somehow the one who Tommy knows would never sign that same paper for either of the boys currently between them.

When it gets to be too much, Tommy goes and finds Buck, who’s helping Carol either in the kitchen or with decorations. Tommy can see the rough night on his features and says maybe they should go for a walk.

Despite the fact that there’s no one on the walk with them, they hold hands as it starts to snow.

That night, Evan just looks at the floor, and Tommy says nothing about the bruise on his shin as he holds up the edge of the blanket.

Buck climbs in, still in his hoodie, and Tommy frowns as he realizes it. He knows Evan runs cold but even he doesn’t normally sleep in a hoodie. “Sorry, you probably didn’t plan to have to share a bed with me. It’s not to late we can still get a hotel.”

Tommy just curls an arm around buck’s shoulders and tells him to be quiet. To his horror, Buck goes quiet and so still it’s unnerving. Buck doesn’t fill the silence and Tommy falls asleep before he figures out what to say.

The next day goes very similar, the snow has accumulated enough that it’s kind of pretty, maybe Carol drags them to a craft fair. It’s as awkward as Tommy thought it would be, but it’s also crowded, and Evan sticks to his side like glue. For a while, Tommy forgets that they’re pretending. He’s still waiting for his dad to say something, but Kinard Sr is playing suspiciously nice with everyone. He buys Evan a jar of honey that’s small enough to fit in their carry-on.

“Honey for his honey.” Carol teases gently, smile fond as she looks at Sr, and Tommy hs no idea how anyone can look at his father that way.

They get food at the fair then Tommy needs air so he build a scrawny snowman with the boys. They’re not bad kids. Just wildly different than Tommy himself. He’s almost jealous… well no almost. He is. But he doesn’t hold it against the kids.

Buck is outside with them, giving them pointers.

“Who made you the boss?” Tommy laughs, moving the scarf around the snowman’s neck as the boys fight to get the rocks to stay in as the buttons.

Buck laughs and it’s the most real sound Tommy’s heard him make. “Sorry I actually grew up where there’s snow you valley boy.”

“Are you two gonna get married?” One of the brothers interrupts.

“I’ve always wanted to be in a wedding.” The other one chimes in, sniffing with a runny nose.

Both Buck and Tommy stammer through a hasty excuse, before looking at each other as they go back inside. Buck wanted that, but he pushed for it too hard and lost Tommy altogether. Tommy thinks maybe that would have been in the cards for them if everything hadn’t of happened the way it did. Carol makes them snacks and suggest a movie so they all change into dry pyjama’s and Tommy has the wild experience of sitting on a couch, surrounded by actual Christmas decorations and an actual tree, with his father in one over sized lazyboy, and Carol in the other. Evan at his side, curled up into a ball next to him. And maybe Tommy only feels it because Evan is so close. But the boys come down in matching cowboy pyjamas and put on Toy Story 5, and crowd onto the couch with them, both clambering for Tommy and buck’s attention.

Except Tommy’s attention is mostly focuses on the way Buck’s fingers are suddenly digging bruises into his thigh. Tommy wants to ask whats wrong, but then the movies going and the kids are taking all of Tommy’s attention, and before he knows it, Evan is excusing himself, claiming a headache and saying he’s going to tuck in early tonight.

Carol goes and gets him some Advil and Tommy spends the rest of the movie with his eyes going towards the staircase. As soon as the credits roll, both the boys are asleep, and Carol and Sr wave Tommy off to go check on Evan. Tommy’s gone before they even finish talking.

He finds Evan curled up in the small space between the bed and the wall, face buried in his pillow, tear tracks on his cheeks… but asleep on the floor.

Tommy crouches down in front of him, watching him. He has half a mind to phone Chimney right the fuck then and ask what the fuck. He doesn’t, and later a part of him will definitely think he should have, but instead he just reaches out to rouse Buck who almost jumps right tup off the floor. “You okay?”

“F-fine.” Buck whispers, eyes darting around like he’s expecting to be attacked. It’s clearly such a lie.

“Do you need me to call Maddie or someone for you?”

Buck snorts inelegantly, fingers tight in the sheets as Tommy leads him to bed. “No. No… I… don’t do that.”

Tommy feels even more wrong footed, but as he cleans up and gets ready for bed, he still offers up his space to Evan. Evan who stares at him with blood shot eyes and something haunted in the lines on his face.

“Really?” Buck whispers, shuffling forwards gently. Stares up at Tommy like he’s worried he’s dreaming. Like he’s still asleep on the floor. “I- I came here to help you out for once… but, this is just you doing more for me. Again.”

Tommy just shakes his head. “This is the easiest thing in the world Evan.”

The next day is Christmas Eve and carol says she’s been asked to visit her mom for a few hours with the boys, so she goes with them, and they try to drag Tommy, but Carol, bless her, says that Tommy needs to stay here and be with Evan, Santa wouldn’t approve of Tommy leaving his boyfriend here all alone. The kids relent when Tommy promises to help them bake some cookies for Santa when they get back.

Buck stares at Tommy after they leave, “You learned how to bake?”

“No... but Howie gave me these amazing snickerdoodle I’ve been meaning to try and replicate.” Tommy says, catching the way Buck’s face does something funny then.

They hear a noise out in the garage, and Tommy knows the sound of someone working on an engine.

“You want to go talk to him?” Buck asks, one of Tommy’s hands in his, the other rubbing up and down Tommy’s back just like it used too. Tommy sinks into the touch and leads his cheek against Evan’s shoulder. Feels Evan press a kiss to the crown of his head. It’s dangerous. And maybe stupid. There’s no one around to see them. No one to pretend for. This is just for them.

“No.” Tommy says honestly. “This is just one fever dream after another. I don’t…. Don’t know what to do. About any of it.”

Tommy goes anyways, finds his dad in the nice two car garage attached to the side of the house. Half the garage is filled with stuff, boxes and storage of a life Tommy can’t touch. Can’t fathom. But in the other part… it’s just like beefing a teen again. His dad’s work bench looks the same, Tommy even recognizes some of the tools. But it’s the 1985 El Camino, fire engine red and rusted that his dad is hunched over that makes Tommy’s entire nervous system feel like it’s on fire.

“Thought you got rid of that when Mom died.” Tommy says apropos of nothing, and gets a bit of glee at watching Sr jump.

They have a heart to heart, Sr tries to apologize. Tommy’s not sure if he’s ready to accept that. Almost gets mad when Sr accepts that. “How come you didn’t try like this when I was a kid? How come you couldn’t be good when I needed you?”

Sr looks sad, like he’s accepted that Tommy may never forgive him. “It’s an excuse, but I was not in a good place then. Your mom was sick, I was working two jobs and we were drowning in medical debt… and then I started drinking. Drank the way my daddy used to when he beat my mom. But I couldn’t stop. And just like him, I took it out on my son. Took it out on the freak I thought they were just like he did. I took it all out on you… I never… signing those papers for you. I thought, ‘this is his best chance to get the hell away from me’” Sr shakes his head. “It wasn’t until Carol pulled my head out of my ass that I realized that signing those damn papers was the worst thing I ever did to you son.”

Tommy agrees, “Maybe,” he says instead. “But it gave me the sky. I learned how to fly there, and I can never regret that.”

Sr smiles, and it’s like that time Tommy saw a wedding picture of his parents, back before he was born. A real smile. “And that led you to your young man in there.”

Tommy can’t fight the blush that rises to his cheeks. Which… feels… oddly hilarious and kind of nice. He never thought he would have this kind of conversation with his dad. Never thought he was capable of this kind of change. Assumed Sr would hate that his son was still gay even after all these years.

“I’m trying to be better.” Sr says. “I don’t get it. I mean, but… Carol says I don’t have to. Get it. There’s a lot I don’t understand… Viv used to say that’s because my world was so small, Carol says the same thing too…but I’m trying to broaden my horizons. For the boys. And for you. I know I can never go back and fix the monster I was to you… but maybe, for Viv, for your mom… maybe even for us. We could have something where I’m something even close to the father you deserved.”

They start working on the car with the kind of laser focus of two men caught in their feelings and no idea what to do with them.

Tommy so distracted that he doesn’t hear Carol and the boys get home, just goes to wash up in the kitchen while Sr washes up upstairs, and over hears Buck and Carol talking.

Carol is offering him some Non-A wine or cider, and Buck says she adapted to that really fast. She just says that she has some friends that don’t drink and they recommended these things. Sr is a drink on special occasions only now, and even then it’s only one or two glasses.

Buck explains that he was in a car accident several months ago, and then got hooked on pain killers afterwards.

Tommy’s jaw almost hits the floor. But then he realizes. Evan’s saying that in the way that leaves out something big. He really should have fucking called Howie. He never should have called him.

Carol makes a sad sound, “You’re worried you’ll relapse?” Buck nods. “And Tommy’s helping you with this?”

Tommy would, Tommy thinks… If Tommy knew anything fucking about it. He cringes at the third person, but then feels an ember of hurt glow inside of him. Evan never said anything.

Why would he though, his brain supplies. This isn’t real. He’s only here to make it up to you. He’s here because he owes you. Not cause he wants to be.

“Tommy always helps me with everything.” Evan laughs helplessly. “Just being around him… I sleep better, I feel like I can breathe… even if he doesn’t know it…”

“Why wouldn’t he know it?”

Tommy’s curse is drowned out by the way Buck drops the metal bowl he had been measuring dry ingredients into.

Buck sputters but Carol just laughs, “It’s okay Evan. You don’t need to panic. Tommy forgot he mentioned to me that you guys ended but… he was very easily swayed into bringing you… and I’ll be honest son, the pining that has been happening in this house since you two arrived is putting all my boughs and tree to shame okay.”

"It's.. not, like that. Tommy doesn't." Buck's voice trails off. 

"You think Tommy doesn't have feelings for you?"

Tommy can see Evan's shoulders shrugs and hunch in on himself. "I… he shouldn't… I said,awful things to him," he mumbles so low Tommy can't hear him but he doesn't need too. he can hear Evans' words from the kitchen as plain as day. 

"Okay…wow. Ouch" Carol huffs. "I think I need actual wine, do you mind?" Buck laughs and says no. Tommy hears a cork open. "Did you ever tell Tommy that you didn't mean what you said?"

"N-No… shortly after that… I uh, lost my captain. At a scene. And um, i wasn't okay, for a long while. I'm, I'm still not. But I had always chased, in all my relationships, always ran after people who didn't want me. It was just before Tommy that I really tried to stop doing that… I though ti was doing okay with it, but I just liked him so much. I saw a future with him and I wanted it to start as soon as it could. But I pushed too much. I always do. I only thought about myself, didn't consider Tommy or anyone else. Just demanded too much and then he left, and he was right to do it. Tommy totally didn't deserve that. The stuff i've said or ,or done. He's… He's so amazing, and strong and he just gives and gives and gives, to everyone that looks like they might need help." Buck's voice cracks and there's the sound of one of the kitchen chairs creaking. "I took advantage of that, time and time again. I never reached out like Chim did. i went to his hearing and didn't tell anyone because i couldn't stand the thought of my team giving me the same looks they do whenever i mention him."

He mentioned me? Tommy;s eyes go wide in shock. Then, Looks?

"I… I always cared too much about what people thought of me. But not in the way Tommy did. And maybe I don't learn, just like Bobby said Because when there was a chance we could try again I—I went and opened my big fat mouth and shoved my whole foot inside and…oh, um… sorry you probably don't want to hear this." 

"Have you ever told anyone this? Tommy for instance?" Carol asks. 

But Buck shakes his head. "No…"

"Any particular reason why?"

"um, it's a lot." 

"you told me." Carol laughs gently. 

"I didn't mean to!" Buck groans. 

"it's okay, i've been told i have one of those faces that make people want to spill their deepest darkest secrets to me." 

Tommy backs up and goes to wash his hands upstairs. His dad asks him if he's okay. 

Tommy has no sweet fucking clue. The boys get a kick out of the swear words lol. Sr steps forward and Tommy's brain absolutely shorts the fuck out when his dad pulls him in for a hug. The boys join in. 

He spends a few minutes staring at himself in front of the bathroom mirror wondering if he stepped into the Twilight Zone. Or Maybe It's a Wonderful Life.

He's not sure, not sure he wants to know either. He cleans up and he and Sr and the boys go downstairs to make cookies with Buck. Tommy tries his damndest to be cool and suave and not just immediately make the boys go to bed so he can hoard Evan and all those confessions to himself. 

The boys eventually get shooed to bed by their parents, and they go chatting and unable to wait for Santa, in a way that Tommy knows means they'll be awake for at least another hour. Sr and Carol watch them go and then end up shooing Buck and Tommy away too as they go out to the garage to get the presents. 

Buck is about to head upstairs to bed, but Tommy takes his hand and asks him to come sit outside with him. 

Cue some cute, winter night cuddling under blankets with the snow falling.

They talk, Tommy asks about the sober thing, and the MVA. Buck admits to the kidnapping that spurred the addiction more than the actual pain. He takes Tommy's hand and slips it up under the hem of his shirt to the spot where Tommy's seen him put his hand over a few times. 

Tommy can feel the raised edges of a burn mark. 

"Taser. I have them… kind of all over. Most are smaller, but this one burned some cloth into my skin." 

Tommy holds Evan's hip and uses it to drag him closer into a hug. Evan explains everything after losing Bobby, feeling like he's lost his team, the 118… that after losing Tommy it was more than he could stomach and he didn't have any proof that he was needed.

Buck tells him how when Tommy reached out, he thought this was his chance. To fix things, to explain and make it up to Tommy. He winces. "Then you said none of it would be real." he laughs hallow. "And it kind of felt like I watched you leave all over again. But then, I told myself. I could do this for you. Keep your family off your back or whatever. I could finally be whatever you needed for once. That it didn't matter what I wanted. It was always going to be too much for you. I was always going to be too much-"

Tommy cuts him off with a kiss.

Cue dramatic love confession just as it starts to snow again.

They're cuddling in bed later, it's after midnight and they can hear Sr and Carol in the living room, the low thrum of some old Christmas carol playing on a speaker. Tommy got to eat the Santa cookies that Buck made. Buck ate the carrot the boys left out for the reindeer and signed the note. 

Outside the snow starts to fall and Buck and Tommy are curled up under the blankets, half asleep.

"Hey, I never got you a fake boyfriend Christmas gift." Buck pouts eyes already falling shut. 

"Yes you did." Tommy laughs, right on his heels, holding Evan close. "It's a future with you, and that's all I ever wanted."

Turns out Christmas is also Carol's birthday, so once the presents are opened, Buck makes her a birthday cake and they eat that instead of any actual Christmas fare. 

The boys are ecstatic and even Sr eats two slices and Buck now knows where Tommy's sweet tooth came from.

Tommy finally calls Chimney who is trying to corral two very excited children of his own and just tells him, "Thanks."