calamitied

casper is my oc ( @ contracas ) and he’s fucking stupid i was going thru old prompts and stuff and his quotes are so stupid that i wanted to compile them for a meme. this is vain. this is stupid. i know. & not all of these are dumb.

“you wanna yu-gi-go or something?”

“if there are two things i’m good at, it’s evaluating how shit of a decision is and then fucking up anyway. trust me.”

“i love it when people leave me alone. that’s so endearing.“

“you’d make for a shitty hooker, so it’s a good thing i’m not paying you for your sub par services.”

“unpause it, unpau—- oh, i had the remote.”

“our unborn child will be forever asking how it’s so good looking with you as a parent.”

“oooh, middle school insults. nice one, ____.”

“okay, when you do [talk to your mum], tell her i had a good time the other night. she’s got great stamina despite her age.”

“jesus, where do i even begin? um, a. Colossal Fucking Tragedy.”

“i’m kinda trying to work here and can’t actually talk whilst. but I can listen? go… go ahead.”

“you are the definition of a blonde bitch, ____. fuckin’ hilarious.”

“i’m not fucking yelling.” s/he/they yelled.

“are you gonna cry because i hit you in the face with a dog toy?”

“halloween’s the shit.”

“all i could ever want for you is to hate what i am.”

“get your cold ass hands off my cold ass face.”

“if my pets ever told me to kill someone, i probably would.”

“i’m pretty sure your vast knowledge of squirmy pasta will be the reason I ungirlfriend you.”

“okay. no, but cool, whatever.”

“mental illness is a burden you carry, not a trait that you possess.”

“reality is a relative concept.”

“if i’m about’a get beaten up, don’t stop anyone. it’s all part of my grand design.”

“i find equilibrium boring.”

“no offence but i don’t fucking care.”

“since when did i become obligated to tell the truth?”

“just because I’m declining isn’t, like, open invitation for you to ask someone else.”

“marshmallows are literally disgusting. do you hate yourself?”

“do i look like your fucking IT Guy?”

“you should totally shove a jalapeño up your ass.” 

“i’d be happy to put a bit of slap on you. and by that i mean i want to hit you in the face.”

“weakness, fuck. i’m displaying WEAKNESS.”

"if you loved me, you could’ve asked me to stay.”

“so should i call you the Professor of Embroidery now, or…?”

“does thinking about that make you feel shitty? it makes me feel fucking shitty.”

“i’m fine. my dignity’s a little bruised, but yeah.”

“wow, you’ve cured me of my depression.”

“you’re playing with my heart like in a sad lana del rey song.”

“anyway i’m gonna go listen to evanescence and think about hot women as i jerk off heterosexually.”

i’m coming out now.

what the shit, man?

you little shit!

who else knows about this?

someone’s living here.

i’ve never seen him before.

what’s your name?

you remind me of me.

why don’t you go get your own food?

i’m in a tight spot. i just need a little help.

you spy on me in my own house?

i came by for that book.

you look like a good enough kid.

i’m a goddamn princess!

now, hush. that’s uncalled for.

i don’t want you going out back there by yourself.

have you eaten?

i try to never sleep in the same place twice.

i owe you.

my, what have we here?

what you got that pistol for?

i hate snakes.

get off your ass.

how old are you?

what you hiding for?

feel like running an errand for me? i’ll give you something for it.

you know i love you?

she’s pretty.

you deaf, boy? i asked you a question.

i ain’t no thief.

don’t expect help from me.

i said get out of here!

thanks a lot, asshole!

you’re a man who’s never had the strength to support his own life. 

i don’t think he means to hurt people. but when people get close to him, that’s what happens.

i’m just no good. not for anybody. i bring people down.

look at me, look at me. that’s it. look at ol’ (name). shh.

let me get a look at you.

you said you loved her and you lied.

i trusted you!

everything you ever told me was a lie!

you don’t care about them. you don’t care about me!

you used us.

it’s okay. you’re okay. just sit down.

you had us scared, son.

the doctors grace you some medicine.

get some rest.

i’ll be back in to check on you but try and sleep if you can.

the sun does shine on a dog’s ass some days.

you’re a good man, (name).

you think he’s dead?

you mind your manners and behave, you hear?